Every year, around President’s Day, I write an article on one of our presidents in which I list off some fun facts about their lives, or at least the ones that are appropriate for a humor article. Like with some presidents, it’s like,
Fun Fact: He had 6 kids, but only 2 of them made it to adulthood.
Whoo! That was fun.
So this year, we’re up to Thomas Jefferson. Last year, I wrote about John Adams, and next year, I’ll write about… the 4th president, whose name I definitely intend to look up before then. Don’t worry.
- Thomas Jefferson is one of the few presidents that the average person can name, possibly because his face is on a mountain, along with Washington, Lincoln, and Whatshisname.
- Thomas was married to a woman named Martha Wayles Skelton Jefferson. Apparently, it was a law back then that to be president, you had to have a wife named Martha. Also your wife had to be your third cousin.
- A man ahead of his time, Thomas Jefferson opposed slavery. And his 600 slaves all agreed with him.
- In addition to being a founding father, Thomas was also a regular father. He and Martha had six children, with two of them surviving to adulthood, which was pretty good back then.
- One of these daughters was named Martha, but she was not named for his wife. She was named in honor of Martha Washington. I did not know this was a loophole for not naming after living relatives.
- The older Martha died in 1782 because of complications from childbirth. Not her own childbirth, obviously. The childbirth of one of her kids.
- Jefferson wrote the pamphlet, “A Summary View of the Rights of British America,” which declared that the British had no right to exercise authority over the colonies. The British did not read it.
- All his friends loved it, though, and they put Jefferson on the famous “Committee of Five,” whose job it was to write the Declaration of Independence. This committee also included John Adams of Massachusetts, Benjamin Franklin of Pennsylvania, Robert Livingston of New York, and Roger Sherman, who you’re pretty sure is the president of your local Young Israel. Jefferson did most of the work.
- In 1786, Jefferson and Adams were in England, touring Shakespeare’s house, and they were, quote, “unimpressed.” It’s not clear what they expected to see. Maybe a gift shop? So they stole a piece of his chair.
- Jefferson believed that the constitution should expire every 19 years, as otherwise “the earth would belong to the dead, not the living generation.” At the very least, this way it wouldn’t contain old-timey phrases that give us unintended pictures in our heads, like “bear arms” and “quarter troops”.
- Jefferson also clashed with the first Secretary of the Treasury, Alexander Hamilton, over how big the government should be. Hamilton felt it should be bigger than it was, mainly because he was in charge of the country’s money, and the country had no money. And every time he asked people for money, they replied, “I thought you guys said no taxation!”
- Hamilton eventually got his revenge by putting Jefferson’s picture on the $2 bill as a prank. And then only printing like six of them.
- Jefferson thought he would definitely be the second president, in 1797, but he came in second. The winner was John Adams, and as was the rule at the time, whoever came in second had to be the vice president, which if you ask us is not a great way to keep the president alive.
- Jefferson spent the next four years seething, and also slowly making off with pieces of Adams’s chair until there was nothing left.
- He then ran against Adams in the election of 1800, which turned into one of the most mud-slinging campaigns in US history, where they shouted at each other during the debates, accused each other of collusion with the French, and then in a particularly heated moment, Adams called Jefferson “Abraham Lincoln”.
- At the end of the election, Jefferson tied – with Aaron Burr. Who he didn’t even realize was running.
- Neither did Aaron Burr. He thought he was running for vice president.
- Adams came in second, which technically would have made him both of their vice presidents. It was at this point that Adams decided to retire.
- As president, Jefferson is best known for keeping the US out of war with France. Which does not seem hard, because of geography. But it was. This was in Napoleon’s days, and that guy was at war with everybody.
- He is also known for the Louisiana Purchase, in which he purchased Louisiana FROM France. More specifically, he bought it from Napoleon. And also Napoleon threw in 14 other states for free, because Jefferson was like a foot and a half taller than he was.
- In 1804, Jefferson ran for re-election, and defeated Federalist candidate Charles Pinckney, with an electoral count of 162-14. It wasn’t even close, in case you’re wondering why you’ve never heard of that guy. It does not help that you had to hesitate before reading his last name. “That’s Pinck-ney,” he would tell people. “Like this.” And then he would show them his knee. This is a large part of why he lost.
- For his second term, Jefferson’s vice president was George Clinton, possible ancestor of President William Jefferson Clinton. We don’t know how Bill Clinton got the maiden name “Jefferson”, but I bet there’s a story there.
- Jefferson was a pretty casual president. In fact, there’s a story in which some man encountered him alone on horseback, and, not recognizing that he was the president, started a casual conversation as they rode along about how horrible he thought the president was, with his purchasing land, and his not getting into wars with Europe, and so on. And then when they got to Jefferson’s house, Jefferson invited the guy in for a drink, and the guy said, “Wait… Who are you?” And he replied, “Thomas Jefferson.” And the guy turned all kinds of colors, and said, “My name is Haines!” and rode off into the night.
- There is no way this guy’s name was actually Haines. That was probably someone he was trying to pin it on.
- For like a hundred years afterward, people who wanted to escape an awkward situation would scurry out of the room, shouting, “My name is Haines!” Look it up.
- The Chofetz Chaim had a similar story. But in the Chofetz Chaim’s story, we don’t know what the guy’s name was, because loshon hara.
- Speaking of casual, Jefferson often greeted people at the White House in his robe and slippers. They would ask, “Did I wake you?” And he’d say, “No.” And then there would be an awkward silence, and the person would yell, “My name is Haines!” and run away.
- He also made formal White House dinners into more casual affairs. He was known to have served macaroni and cheese on more than one occasion, he’s credited with introducing French fries to the United States, and he also popularized the tomato, which a lot of people didn’t eat back then. In one account, he appalled onlookers when he’d consume a tomato in front of witnesses. Probably because of the splash zone.
- Jefferson was introduced to the tomato by Dr. John de Squeira, a Jewish friend of his who lived in Williamsburg. The one in Virginia. Though I’m not so sure that John de Squeira is not just a misspelling of John de Skverer.
- Jefferson was the first president not to have a wife in the White House. In case you’re wondering why his official ceremonies served French fries and mac and cheese and he walked around in slippers with a bird on his shoulder.
- I forgot to mention his bird.
- Officially, the first lady was his daughter – the one with the same name as her mother. Dinner guests were very confused.
- The cool thing about your daughter being the first lady is that if you say you’re having mac and cheese, you’re having mac and cheese.
- In 1801, in his first year of presidency, Jefferson was presented with a 1,235-lb. wheel of cheese from the town of Cheshire, MA. It was made from the milk of 900 cows, and then shlepped down from Massachusetts on a sleigh in middle of the winter, which was the only way it could be schlepped back then and took like two months, if you factor in how many times it got loose and rolled down a hill and took out a small village.
- Jefferson, who had a policy of not accepting gifts, paid $200 for the cheese.
- We suspect that every mac and cheese dinner for the next 8 years came from that wheel.
- There is actually a record of the cheese still being around in March of 1804, at which point it was described as “very far from being good”. There are also accounts of it being served at a reception in 1805, and of the remainder being dumped in the Potomac at some date unknown.
- Adams and Jefferson died on the same day – July 4, 1826. Adams’s last words were “Thomas Jefferson survives!” But it turned out that Jefferson had actually died a few hours earlier, and no one had told him. So Adams died of embarrassment. “My name is Haines!”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.