Do you wake up every day saying to yourself: “Today is not my day”? Things are not the way they should be, are they? Sometimes we can set things right, but at times, we clearly cannot. Do you know how to simply accept some things as they are? Hmm, can you change the forecast today? My weekend forecast: reading, with a chance of chocolate. Then again, at a certain age your knees might give you a better forecast than the guy on TV.
Can you control the traffic for me, please? Tip: If you can’t repair your brakes, just make your horn louder. Well, you know what they say: The weakest part of a car is the nut holding the steering wheel. Of course, not being able to regulate or be in control of things can certainly make us feel angry, anxious, and exasperated.
Trying to change things that inherently can’t be changed will only leave you with more anguish and agony. Accepting things as they are may be the most hard-hitting challenge that we all face. We humans have expectations, and when they are not met, we ask: Why, oh why, is this happening to me?
If you spend all your energy watching out for what’s just ahead of you, you won’t take time to enjoy right where you are. You don’t get the same moment twice in life, sweet friends. Still trying to turn around things that cannot be changed? You may need to gently remind yourself several times a week or a day to engage in life as it unfolds.
Accepting painful realities in your life surely does not mean you relish in them; far from it. You may be going through an emotionally tense and upsetting time in your life. Peace of mind can only come about if you learn to take in, and deal with, the loss or the crisis that is knocking you down. Please do not become a victim of your own painful feelings.
Become aware of your perceived flaws and offer yourself some tolerance and tenderness. They say I have two major flaws: 1– I don’t listen, 2 – Something else. When we accept that we are powerless over some of our addictions, we may realize that we do have the power to avoid some situations that lead us down the wrong path. Heck, in a power outage, the first step is admitting you are powerless.
But sincerely, oftentimes we do not know when the storm will actually pass; so we must sit with the uncertainty. Many of us have run into illness, loss, or setbacks of all sorts. You may have convinced yourself that if you agonize enough, all will turn out well. Please do not. “Don’t worry. Life goes on. Yeah, that’s what’s had me worried.” Uh-oh. The hardest tea to swallow is reality. Sure, we all want predictable lives, but reality is anything but that.
Do not grab hold of that distressing, disturbing thought. Find healthy ways to self-soothe, sweet friends. According to chemistry, alcohol is a solution. But it surely is not one for your problems. Please don’t overindulge. Inhaling your spaghetti like a vacuum cleaner? You finished your 14-day diet in three hours and 12 minutes? No, no. I love pizza so much that even when I eat pizza, I want pizza. Ever weigh yourself and think: This towel must be really heavy? I get it. It may seem like that blueberry muffin can soothe your aching heart, but no, the solution is not in the fridge.
How despondent and downbeat are you these days? Worry keeps you busy doing a whole lot of nothing. There is a difference between bearing discomfort or letting it break you. Let go of that old narrative in your head. Drop all the “shoulds” and stop time-traveling to the past, please. Relax, close your eyes for a few seconds and take some deep cleansing breaths. Breathe deeply and slowly, please.
It’s okay to acknowledge your suffering. Say aloud or to a loved one: “This is so unpleasant or painful for me.” You wish the storm will pass and wonder if it will ever end. So do I. Don’t try to avoid the feeling. Just sit with it. You know what they say: Some people have the calm before the storm. I have the panic before the nothing.
The need for things to be different is human, but ask yourself: Can I change or control this at all? Always act in accordance with your values and beliefs. Know why you are doing whatever you do. Express as much gratitude and love as you possibly can. Think about who and what is of great consequence in your life right now. Have faith in yourself that you can overcome life’s challenges. After all, sweet friends, only you can decide the theme of your life story.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.