I have said from the very beginning that real married life is nothing like dating life. You don’t go out to dinners at expensive restaurants or cute cafés once or twice a week, no long walks in the park or maybe a carriage ride in Central Park, no going miniature golfing, no going to axe-throwing locations (it’s a thing now). Now you have work, errands, and responsibilities. Not that the romance is over, but now real life starts and you have to fit the romance into real life – which can be hard.
I once wrote that there should be a warehouse that is divided into small apartments of kitchen, bathroom, and living room – maybe even rent a baby or toddler (Lol! It could be the new type of babysitting – let someone else pretend to be your child’s parent) – and can be rented out at three-to-six hours at a time. The “apartments” would emulate real life: wife cooking supper, kids needing to be fed, dishes cleaned…because that is real life. And don’t get me started on how you time it perfectly to leave work so you can meet the school bus, but all of a sudden there is construction on the way home and you’re crawling in traffic, watching the clock tick away. You try to call your neighbor, your father – anyone who can meet the bus that will be at your corner in 12 minutes, but no one is picking up the phone! You switch lanes, get off the highway, take the back streets – like everyone else’s Waze is telling them to do, so it’s not really a short cut. Your start stress sweating, running yellow/red lights and pull up and quickly park on your block just as the girls are disembarking from the bus! You made it! Whew! But as you walk up the block to meet your daughter, you see the look on her face and know, “It’s just beginning.” Can you tell it has happened to me a few times? Lol!
I received an email from a young woman a while back. She was dating someone for a period of time when COVID hit. She felt that the flame had slowly diminished, and “boring life” started to set in. But as I say, real life isn’t dating. Sometimes my husband and I are both home and don’t speak to each other for an hour or longer; we’re either busy with the kids, working on the computer, folding laundry, cleaning up from dinner – and this is the same story for so many families/couples. Does that mean the spark has gone out? No, it just means that an extra effort is made to ensure that the spark remains because life responsibilities and errands take priority over date night – and speaking from experience, sometimes date night has to be put on hold for a few weeks (and not because of COVID-related reasons).
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Dear Goldy:
I’ve been dating Moshe and everything was going so well. We were having amazing dates and doing/trying new things. Our personalities meshed together so well. I looked forward to his calls and texts, as well as our dates. Then coronavirus came and we couldn’t see each other in person, so we began FaceTiming each other. And that’s when things started to change for me. Moshe is interesting, but for how long can we talk about our days or what’s going on in our lives when nothing is happening because we were stuck inside? We “saw” each other two or three times a week. Our calls went from an hour down to 15 minutes.
You would think that the excitement is back, now that we can see each other, but not really. We still go out, but we are limited as to where we can go and what we can do. I know that I’m not supposed to be shallow, but I find that Moshe was more interesting and fun in the beginning of when we dated. He’s still okay, but now I’m not so excited anymore. Will the excitement return? Will I get those feelings again? Or maybe this is a sign that Moshe isn’t for me?
Dina
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Thank you for your email, Dina.
I have a few questions myself, Dina: Do you think life will always be exciting? Does your life now not have boring moments in it? Are your friends spunky and bubbly all the time, or do they have moments when they get serious or aren’t in the mood to even talk? Guess what? This is called life. Dina, do your parents go out to the movies or out to dinner or bowling two or three times a week (before COVID)? My guess is no, because life and responsibilities took precedence over going out. I’m not saying that they never went out, but they settled into a routine as all couples do, and that’s what makes date night out once a month or once every two weeks that much more special – because you are carving out time to reconnect with each other.
I’m glad you had the time of your life in the beginning of your relationship with Moshe, but then the world changed! Everyone changed. Are you still expecting things to continue just because some restrictions were lightened? In my opinion, and my opinion only, that’s an immature way of thinking. You are finding Moshe boring because he can’t take you out on fancy dates to exciting venues? What you are seeing is the real Moshe – the Moshe who will probably be around most of the time if you marry him.
Having regular 15-minute conversations isn’t a bad thing – especially if there is nothing to discuss because you have been stuck at home with nothing to do. Are you expecting that every moment of life will be filled with laughter and conversation? Sometimes the quiet is needed just as much as the laughter. You have a chance to see the real Moshe. Is he a good, caring person? Or is he a complainer about the pandemic and constantly complaining about things? Does he still make you feel good when he says nice things to you? Does he still say nice things to you? These are the questions you should be asking.
I am also wondering why you’re waiting for Moshe to bring the excitement. Why can’t you plan something that’s fun? Bring a game, think of a scavenger hunt…Go Google “fun things to do on a date during COVID,” or something similar. It’s not only the responsibility of the fellow to “bring it.” I hope you’re not complaining about the lack of fun or excitement to Moshe, because that would be very telling of what type of person you are, and he may not like that side of you. Show him you can be spontaneous and fun, as well, because, to tell you the truth, you sound like one of my nieces always looking for the fun, and anything not labeled as “fun” is “so boring and takes forever!” Dina, this is just regular life, plain and simple. Get used to it.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..