It is great to have one friend or a small group of close friends with whom you can share good and bad times, who always support you and have your back. Some refer to friends as their “Sister from another mister” or for men, “Brother from another mother.” They are as close as close can be. But sometimes a friend has to know his or her place. They may know you as well as they know themselves, because for 15 years you have shared everything with them. But they are not you and you are not them. Even best of friends need to respect boundaries, no matter how good their intentions are.
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Dear Goldy:
Maybe you can explain something to me. My friend has been dating someone whom she will be getting engaged to shortly. I know they will be getting engaged because her parents have met his parents; they are inseparable.
I ask her all the time when he is going to put a ring on it? Families have met, neighbors know, but she keeps telling me it’ll happen when they both feel right about it. Feel right? Everyone knows how the two of them feel about each other. So, I asked if she was having any doubts or if there was anything preventing him from proposing. My friend got angry at me and said she had no doubts and he’ll propose whenever he feels ready.
What is going on? They are basically engaged. What’s the holdup? It’s just dragging it out? Have you heard of something like this before?
Estie B.
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Thank you for your email, Estie.
I’m happy for your friend. Now, I will tell you what your friend didn’t. But please read this with lots of love and no anger in my voice: “It’s none of your business. Butt out.”
Only your friend and her boyfriend, for lack of a better word, are in this relationship. No one else. It is a huge step making the leap from single life to engagement and marriage, no matter how much you love the other person. The decision needs to be the right one, and all involved have to feel it, as well. I’m sure this is something your friend has discussed with her boyfriend.
But all of that may not be the case at all. Not that you have any right or she has any obligation to explain this to you, but maybe they are waiting for something specific before he pops the question. Maybe he could be trying to arrange for a special type of engagement moment and that alone takes time. Maybe they’re waiting for a Bubby or cousin to return from Israel. Whatever the reason, it does not concern you.
Your friend took you into her confidence and told you about her boyfriend and has kept you up to date on what’s happening, parents met. Please don’t rain on her parade by asking why it’s taking so long or if she has doubts. How many times have we heard of couples who date for a month or less and get engaged and boom, bam, they are married in the blink of an eye. Nothing is wrong with that either. Everyone has to do what is right for them and not what they think is expected of them from others.
You ended your letter with, “It’s just dragging it out.” Estie, do you have anything else in your life to focus on besides this? Not wanting to be rude, but it’s her life and not yours. If she is happy and doesn’t mind this being “dragged out,” then who are you to say anything? Many people may tell you to get a life of your own so you can stop focusing on your friends. But I won’t be that rude (wink, wink). All I will say is that we say “b’sha’ah tovah” – in the right time – for a reason. Everything needs to happen in its right time. I don’t know if you are dating seriously, engaged, or married, but if you are in any of those phases in life, then you know what I’m talking about. My instinct is that you aren’t in any of those stages because of your question and the way you phrased it. But I could be wrong.
If you’re putting your vacation to Tahiti on hold for this, because you don’t want to miss the l’chayim/vort, then I still say the same thing: It’s your friend’s life. Go and live yours. Read the next sentence in a loud whisper: If your friend knows you are planning a trip, she may work around your plans. Yes, it’s true. My own sister pushed her wedding back a month or so because she wanted her best friend to be at her wedding and the friend was due to give birth. My sister waited a month so that Mom, Dad, baby, and babysitter were able to attend.
Hatzlachah to you all
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..