It’s an old bad joke.
The rabbi wakes up early one stunning, sunny Yom Kippur morning and decides to sneak off to the golf course to play a few rounds before davening. The angels in Heaven are appalled. The rabbi is golfing on Yom Kippur? Surely, there must be severe and immediate divine retribution. To their utter shock, however, the rabbi had a perfect day. He got a hole-in-one on all 18 holes. The angels were beside themselves and asked the chief angel how they could allow the rabbi to have a perfect game when he had desecrated the holy day. The chief angel smiled, “Oh, yeah? Who is he going to tell?”
Anyone who has made a simchah is aware that the guests are the ones who really “make” the simchah.
Logically, it would seem that the host would be far happier if people didn’t come. After all, he must pay for the meal of every guest who attends. But the reality is not that way. You can have the liveliest band, the most beautiful flowers, the most delicious food in the most stunning hall. But if no one shows up, it’s not going to be a very festive event.
Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman zt”l (Ayeles HaShachar, Parshas VaYeishev 37:5 & 37:35) notes that every chasan hopes others will participate in his celebration. He is undoubtedly ecstatic with his own celebration and logically shouldn’t need anyone else’s involvement to enhance his simchah. However, the nature of people is that one cannot fully celebrate by himself. He needs others to share his joy with because a person cannot keep his emotions to himself.
Rav Shteinman quotes from the introduction of Meshovev Nesivos: “If a person was able to ascend to the heavens and would see the celestial legions and how they function, he would not enjoy the experience until he returned to this world and described the incredible revelation to a friend.”
Rav Shteinman explains that that is the reason why Yosef recounted his dreams to his brothers. Yosef was so enamored by the dreams that he wanted to share them with others because that is the nature of a person who is excited by something he saw or experienced.
Rav Shteinman concludes that Hashem created people’s nature in this manner so that people will connect to each other.
Someone once asked Rabbi Avigdor Miller zt”l how he should prepare for the judgment of Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. Rabbi Miller replied that he should smile. He then explained, “You think that I’m old and that I’m not speaking coherently, for how does smiling grant someone a good judgment? But actually, this is very good advice. I will explain with an analogy. Someone owns a chain of stores. At the end of each year, he takes inventory and decides what changes have to be made for the upcoming year. Some stores will need more advertising, some employees will be laid off, and so on. The proprietor’s advisor said, ‘Even if you let go of some employees, don’t fire Mr. So-and-so. He always has a smile on his face, which gives the consumers a good feeling. There are people who come to the store just to meet with him…’
“Similarly, at the end of the year, Hashem takes inventory to see how the world is running… If there is someone who always has a smile on his face, bringing joy to others, he is an asset to the world, and Hashem will therefore grant him life and a good year so he can continue bringing joy to others.”
On a similar note, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter zt”l taught that doing chesed with others is tremendously beneficial. Even if the one who does chesed does not deserve a positive judgment based on his own merits, he may be granted a better verdict because of the recipients of his largesse who benefit from him.
Someone once asked Rabbi Nosson Tzvi Finkel what one thing he should daven for on Rosh HaShanah. Rabbi Nosson Tzvi replied, “Daven for someone else.”
One of the local Jewish newspapers periodically posts a question posed to a collection of individuals, often including some famous personalities. The responses are posted in the paper.
On one occasion, they were asked if they had a chance to invite any three people from anywhere in the world and from any generation in history, whom would they invite to their Shabbos seudah?
Many of the responses included invitations to the Avos or other notable personalities mentioned in Tanach or in the Gemara. The response of Rabbi Dovid Feinstein zt”l, however, was legendary. He replied that he would choose to invite three poor and needy people.
Someone once asked Rabbi Yisrael Salanter what he should focus on during Hakafos on Simchas Torah. Rabbi Yisrael replied that he should focus on not stepping on anyone else’s foot while dancing excitedly.
A student from the Philadelphia Yeshiva was going to be chazan for N’ilah on Yom Kippur for the first time. He asked his rosh yeshivah, Rabbi Shmuel Kamenetsky, what he should be particular about and focus on while davening before the amud during the exalted, waning moments of the holy day. (I was told that the new chazan was Rabbi Shmuel’s son, Rabbi Shalom Kamenetsky, the current rosh yeshivah. Rabbi Shalom was davening before the amud in the yeshivah for the first time.) Rabbi Shmuel replied that he should be mindful to finish on time because people are weak from the fast.
The common denominator between all these anecdotes is the emphasis on being sensitive to the feelings and well-being of others. We underestimate the value and importance of interpersonal relationships. This is especially true in times of joy and times of challenge. In times of loss, we are comforted by others who sit with us in our pain. In times of joy, our celebration is magnified by friends and family who take the time to celebrate with us.
One who has not (yet) made a simchah cannot comprehend how meaningful and touching it is when others join. It’s normal for people to groan about a simchah they will be traveling to. It’s not easy to give up a few hours of travel time and then attend the actual simchah. But when attending a simchah, it’s worth remembering and focusing on the great chesed that he is performing.
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This Shabbos, our family celebrates the bar mitzvah of our dear son Shimshon Dovid. We daven and extend our humble brachah to him that he not only continues to grow in Torah u’mitzvos, but that he continues to develop the beautiful midos he already displays.
We are so grateful to all those who will be attending Dovid’s bar mitzvah and to those who attended the wedding of our children, Shalom and Aliza, a couple of weeks ago. Even those who only came for a few minutes meant so much to us.
May we always share simchos in good health and be b’simchah that we have the good fortune to enhance someone else’s simchah!
Rabbi Dani Staum is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbi in Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, New Jersey, principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, New York, and a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. His writings can be found at www.strivinghigher.com. Looking for an inspirational speaker or scholar-in-residence? Contact Rabbi Staum at 845-641-5094 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..