I’ve always enjoyed holidays. The change of pace, the family time, the great food, and, obviously, no school or work. I always assumed most people felt the same. When I first started seeing patients, I expected the holidays to feel lighter, as I thought people would be in better spirits. It didn’t take long to realize that the opposite was often true. The holidays often brought worsening symptoms, increased anxiety and depression, and, for some, a significant decline in their mental health. I began to see this time of year through a different lens: that of someone struggling with the many emotions other than happiness and joy that the holidays can bring.
And then comes Sukkos, the holiday we call zman simchaseinu.
“V’samachta b’chagecha.” You shall rejoice on your holiday. We are actually being commanded to be happy. But what if you’re not?
We can be commanded to sit in a sukkah and shake a lulav and esrog. Those are actions.
But can we really be commanded to feel something? If it were that easy, my job would be pretty simple. Feeling anxious? Stop worrying. Feeling depressed? Cheer up. Having a hard time? Just be happy. Unfortunately, emotions don’t work that way.
Yom Tov is not a happy time for everyone. Holidays have a way of magnifying whatever is already happening in our lives. When life is good, the family, traditions, and time together can be wonderful. But when life is painful, all that celebration can make what is missing or difficult feel even more obvious. The empty seat after a loss, another meal surrounded by couples when you desperately want to be married, or a holiday centered around family when you are struggling with infertility can make Yom Tov particularly painful.
And not everyone is coming home to a warm table surrounded by people they feel safe with. Families can be complicated, relationships can be strained, and returning to certain people, places, or family dynamics can bring up painful memories and emotions. For someone already struggling with depression or anxiety, the loss of routine, increased socializing, and decreased privacy can make symptoms even harder to manage.
Then we tell them, V’samachta b’chagecha. Be happy. It’s like telling someone who is struggling to swim that they should also enjoy the water. When all your energy is going toward staying afloat, enjoying the experience can feel impossible. So how do we make sense of a commandment to feel simchah?
The Sefer HaChinuch teaches, “Acharei hamaasim nimshachim halevavos” — our hearts follow our actions. Mental health treatment uses a similar principle. In treating depression, we sometimes use an approach known as behavioral activation, which encourages starting with action rather than waiting for motivation to come first. Get dressed. Go outside. Call a friend. Take a walk. These actions won’t make depression disappear, but they can begin to shift the emotional experience.
There is something similar happening with v’samachta b’chagecha. Yom Tov gives us opportunities to engage in things that support positive emotions: stepping away from our routines, spending time with others, enjoying good food, singing, celebrating, and, on Sukkos, simply changing our environment. None of this guarantees happiness or erases grief or pain. But our actions can create space for moments of joy even when the harder feelings are still there.
Our actions can also affect the emotional experience of those around us. V’samachta b’chagecha itself includes the people in our lives (“your son, your daughter, your servants, the Levi, the convert, the orphan, and the widow…”), particularly those who might otherwise be vulnerable or left out. That is an important reminder to pay attention to how others may be experiencing Yom Tov. Invite the person who might otherwise be alone. Give someone space when a family gathering becomes overwhelming. Skip the intrusive question. The person who leaves the table early may not be rude, and the person who seems withdrawn probably doesn’t need to be told to smile. Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is recognize that someone else may be experiencing Yom Tov very differently than we are.
And if you are the person struggling, give yourself that same understanding. We don’t need to pathologize every difficult feeling, but we also don’t need to pretend it isn’t there. You don’t have to just push through it year after year. If the holidays consistently leave you overwhelmed, depressed, highly anxious, or unable to function the way you normally do, reach out for support. A mental health professional can help you understand what makes this time particularly difficult, identify patterns or triggers, and develop tools to navigate it differently.
V’samachta b’chagecha doesn’t require us to pretend that difficult emotions aren’t there. There is room to acknowledge what we are actually feeling, to support one another, and to get support when we need it. Sometimes, making room for what we are actually feeling is the first step toward making room for simchah to follow.
Levana Feldstein, PMHNP-BC, is a board-certified Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner and founder of Moonlight Wellness, a private psychiatric practice serving children, adolescents, and adults in New York and New Jersey. With over a decade of experience in mental health, she is passionate about educating the community, reducing stigma, and providing compassionate, individualized care. She can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..