The following is satirical.
PERSIA – In a shocking turn of events, it was reported just moments ago that Haman posted the following tweet on his Twitter feed, “We will annihilate the entire Jewish nation on one day – men, women and children. No exceptions. #MAGA (Make Amalek Great Again).”
When President Trump saw Haman’s tweet on his phone, it was reported that he was seething with rage at his audacity to steal his signature campaign slogan and Haman’s genocidal plans, but it’s unclear at this time if he plans on taking Haman to court.
After Haman’s tweet went viral, almost everybody with a human and moral conscience except Democrats and the U.N. strongly condemned his genocidal intentions.
The White House put out the following statement in response: “We condemn the theft of the president’s campaign slogan in the strongest of terms, as well Haman’s plans to annihilate the entire Jewish People. When we’re done suing Haman out of existence over his clear copyright infringements, we will then deal with defeating his genocidal agenda.” Sarah Huckabee Sanders added to the W.H.’s statement, saying, “Should the president’s law suit go up all the way to the Supreme Court, we are convinced that with a strong conservative majority, we will ultimately win the case. My only advice for Haman would be not to hire Michael Avenatti as a lawyer.”
Many Democrats, however, were not as quick to condemn Haman. Former President Obama, who became notorious for telling Iran “If you like your nuclear weapons, you can keep your nuclear weapons”, appeared on CNN – a former news network – with long-time Trump-hater and alleged Amalek sympathizer Jim Acosta, saying, “Let me lie again to the American people for the 28th time on national television: if you like your genocidal plan, you can keep your genocidal plan, period.”
Many other democrats chimed in as well. Their statements are listed below:
Nancy Pelosi: “We’ll have to pass Haman’s plan so you can see what’s in it.”
Bernie Sanders: “I think Haman should wait off with his genocidal plans… socialism will do that for him.”
Alexandria-Trotsky Cortex: “An attack on the Jewish People is an attack on our country and government, which has three chambers: the presidency, the house and the senate.”
Hillary Clinton: “Hopefully Haman will delete his plans from his private email server before anyone gets a chance to see them and before Republicans subpoena them and then grill him in Congress. If he needs any assistance, let him call my former campaign chairman John Podesta, who oversaw the deletion of almost all of my emails.”
Adam Schiff: “Clearly Haman is colluding with the Russians to execute his nefarious and evil plan. We need Robert Mueller to investigate this as soon as possible.”
Richard Blumenthal: “Just like with gun control and gun-free zones that obviously only allow criminals to be armed, and where almost every mass shooting in America has occurred, the solution here is obvious: they should designate Persia as a ‘Genocide-Free Zone’.”
As the news of Haman’s plans spread throughout the globe, pandemonium struck Jewish communities worldwide. The fear and uncertainty of the future placed Jewish communities on high alert, and leading Orthodox Rabbis and Roshei Yeshiva including Jared Kushner held urgent meetings to discuss the ramifications of Haman’s evil decree, and what measures could be taken to repeal it, or at least mitigate its effects.
One of the leading politically conservative figures in America, Mark Levin, offered a possible solution to annul the decree: every Jew should accept upon themselves something to improve upon in their lives. Levin, for instance, accepted upon himself to only eat kosher on Yom Kippur. Bernie Sanders accepted upon himself to wear a yarmulke, but only if it had an image of a hammer and sickle on it. Michael Savage accepted upon himself to stop talking incessantly on his radio show about things nobody wants to listen to him about, like dieting, vegetarianism and veganism and promised to talk more about politics and economics. George Soros – formerly György Schwartz – who admitted in an interview with 60 Minutes that he was more than happy to steal Jewish wealth and hand it over the Nazis, accepted upon himself not to be a self-hating Jew and a jerk for at least once a week.
President Trump, according to Brian Stelter’s unreliable Reliable Sources, tweeted after Levin’s show: “Low-IQ, low-energy, crazy, lyin’ and crooked Haman thinks he can destroy the Jews. Wrong! We’re having a HUGE rally tonight in Shoshan at 9PM in support of our Jewish brothers and sisters. Haman couldn’t even get half the amount of people I do at my rallies! SAD! #MAGA.”
As soon as President Trump took to the podium at this very much anticipated rally, there was a deafening silence; one could hear the sound of a pin drop. Here’s a partial transcript of his speech, provided by AmalekTV:
“B’rishus the Rabbonim, Roshei Yeshiva and my fellow MAGA-supporters. We all know why we’re here tonight. I’ve brought with me two very important guests tonight as you may know, Mordechei and Esther. Let me tell you something about Mordechei and Esther. They were my earliest supporters, at the very beginning of my campaign. Mordechei was so dedicated to my campaign, that instead of wearing his traditional black hat to synagogue, he wore his red MAGA hat every single day. And Esther – she’s also an amazing person; very dedicated to making America great again. I want to acknowledge their presence here tonight, so everyone please give them a HUGE round of applause!”
And the president went on and on about how great he is, how many times he’s made fun of Achashverosh on Twitter, bragging about forcing Achashverosh to change his trade policy and engage in FAIR trade, and how Amalek and the Democrats have so much in common like being ok with murdering innocent babies even after they’re born. About an hour later, he finally concluded his speech and the rally ended.
But President Trump was a bit skeptical about Mordechei’s supposed solution to annul the decree. So, he summoned Mordechei to the Oval Office and explained his frustration with what’s going on, and about his skepticism of his plans coming to fruition. And according to reports by NBC and ABC, he told Mordechei that he was in the process of creating a plan to kidnap Haman from Persia and bring him to the United States, after which they would put him on trial for attempted genocide, and then execute him on live TV. At first Mordechei was a bit doubtful himself about the president’s plans, but after giving it some thought, he finally gave the go-ahead.
Immediately after this meeting, President Trump contacted the Secretary of the Department of Defense and assembled together an elite team of 5 Navy Seals – all Jewish, of course – who were charged with kidnapping Haman and taking him back to the U.S., alive. They were given aliases to keep their identities secret, such as Meres, Marsena and Memuchan. After consulting with Mordechei about the name of the operation, the president decided to call it ‘Operation: Michiyas Amalek’.
It took a few days and a bit of blood shedding, but the operation turned out to be a complete success, and all 5 Navy Seals made it back alive, with Haman – also alive. The president, of course, was elated about the news. So, the following day he called for an urgent press conference, but made sure to ban Jim Acosta because he instated a new policy of not having any cheerleaders for Amalek at his press conferences. He touted the success of the operation, stating to the enemy of the people, “Our elite Navy Seal team – the best in the world – successfully brought Haman alive to the U.S. for trial and execution. I’ve decided that the most appropriate method to execute Haman is by hanging and as such, I have prepared a HUGE and BEAUTIFUL gallows for him, about 50 feet high!”
One of the reporters at the press conference asked the president, “Mr. President, I have questions regarding the gallows. One, we haven’t executed anyone by hanging since the Nuremberg Trials; and two, how do you plan on paying for the gallows?” The president didn’t even hesitate for a moment and answered him, “Let me tell you something – the gallows just got 10 feet higher, and you know what? We’re gonna build the gallows and we’re gonna make Amalek pay for it!” Just in case that option didn’t work though, Sen. Ted Cruz introduced legislation that would require the government to use El Chapo’s assets to pay for the gallows instead.
There was much public attention being paid to Haman’s long-awaited and much anticipated trial. All the major news networks and newspapers covered the trial except for the New York Times, a former newspaper, which kept to its long-held tradition since the Holocaust of not covering genocidal maniacs like the Nazis who want to annihilate the entire Jewish People.
Presiding over Haman’s trial was the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Initially, Haman requested that his trial take place in New York because the state doesn’t have the death penalty, and he knew the Democrats would come to his defense and spare him execution. So, President Trump made sure the trial took place in Texas instead, which made him especially fearful of the Republicans, especially Ted Cruz, whose father not only murdered JFK but killed Haman’s father as well.
The trial was packed to capacity – there were over 500 people in attendance plus those standing outside the courthouse; there was literally standing room only. Haman was put in a bullet-proof glass booth, on top of which it said “Timcheh es zecher Amalek”, and sitting right next to him were his lawyers Bigson and Seresh. Justice Roberts became a bit annoyed and feisty when he started laying into Haman about his inexcusable plan of genocide against the Jewish People, but Haman still had a smirk on his face and didn’t seem to care all that much about what was going on. His rant lasted for about 10 minutes. As the trial came to a close, Roberts asked Haman if he had any last words that he’d like to share in court. Haman sat there totally silent for about 5 seconds, then said, “I just wanted to say that I endorse my fellow Jew-hater Bernie Sanders for president in 2020 under the banner of ‘Genocide for All’. Thank you.”
After the trial officially concluded, Haman was escorted by heavily armed guards into the execution room. But there was a slight miscommunication, because the guards thought that Haman was supposed to be executed by lethal injection, and they started leading him into the wrong room. So, a member of the prosecution team by the name of Charvonuh spoke up and reminded everybody about the gallows that President Trump had prepared, and Haman was then led into the correct chamber.
In front of the entire world, Haman was led up to the gallows, which were an impressive 60 feet high, and which President Trump requested they be made in the USA. (According to the Wall Street Journal, the domestic production of the gallows added an astonishing 10 jobs to the economy.) Right before Haman was to be hanged, the guards asked him, in front of the entire world, if he had any last words before his execution. At this point Haman was almost entirely stone-faced, and he looked like he was at a loss for words. Then he suddenly yelled out for everyone to hear, “Long live the Democrats!” – after which he was immediately executed.
The news of Haman’s ultimate demise brought such jubilance and excitement to Jews all over, that they started to literally dance in the streets. President Trump gave a short address from the Oval Office, in which he said, in part: “I could not be more happy today that a despicable, repulsive and sad excuse for a human being finally met his end today, and my only wish would’ve been that his mother supported abortion as much as the Democrats do. Either way, I’m even more happy for my fellow Jewish brothers and sisters who were miraculously spared total annihilation, and my relationship with them is stronger than ever before. Ultimately, their salvation came through because God made the right choice of siding with MAGA over Amalek. And in celebration of this momentous occasion, I’m officially closing down the government on both the 14th and 15th of Adar, and everyone except the Democrats will get back-pay once it reopens. Let’s come together and make Purim great again! Thank you and have a freilichin Purim! #MAGA.”
Wishing everyone a freilichin Purim!
By Rafi Metz