The historic Belgian city of Aalst is rebuilding its historic downtown after suffering damage caused by the chasidic-themed Vismooil’n carnival floats coming to life in the form of demonic golems. “Nobody intended to defame the Jewish people. Chasidim are an important part of the country’s multicultural mosaic,” said Mayor Christoph D’Haese.
Designed for the March 3 pre-Lent carnival, the float sculptures feature hook-nosed Jews clad in pink bekeshes and shtreimels standing atop bags of money and gold coins, accompanied by pet rats. “While American Jews are concerned about anti-Semitic tropes coming from their lawmakers, we are confronted with holiday floats unseen since 1939. Put into context with BDS and the ban on shechting, we’ve filed a formal complaint with authorities,” said Dutch Chief Rabbi Binyomin Jacobs.
On the week preceding Purim, the floats awakened in the Vismooil’n warehouse, flashing horn-shaped lights from their heads and shouting oy, oy, oy with enough intensity to smash every window in Aalst. The golems then sang Havah Nagilah, a non-chasidic song that has been stereotyped with all Jews regardless of observance level. As they sang, the native trance music of Belgium followed their steps.
They barged into City Hall demanding blood from Christian children in preparation for the upcoming Passover holiday. “I tried to negotiate with them, pointing out that they already have the blood of Christ on their hands,” said D’Haese. “Considering how they betrayed our lord and savior, it’s pure chutzpah that they still want more blood from us.”
The mayor was able to avoid human bloodshed by canceling the sh’chitah ban across the Flanders region. Satisfied with the compromise, the two demonic golems spent the rest of the night slaughtering cattle in the Belgian countryside. “The most famous and rare breed in this region is the Flemish Red Cattle, with fewer than 100 remaining. “The Jews pray for the parah adumah to appear, but we fear the extinction of our prized bovines,” said Belgium Agriculture Minister Rene Collin. “Please, just leave us alone. We’re truly sorry about the carnival float and you can have your Israel.”
Rabbi Ishmael Dovid Weiss, chairman of the Antwerp Neturei Karta, expressed surprise at the demonic golems. “I’ve spent my entire life demonstrating that chasidim are not Zionists, but when you look at anti-Israel caricatures in newspapers, the Israelis are always shown wearing black hats and pei’os. This is how the world sees the Jews.”
After slaughtering hundreds of prized cattle, the golems headed north towards the Ostend pier on the North Sea. “I observed them walking straight into the North Sea. The water parted for them as they marched towards the horizon,” said Ostend Mayor Bart Tommelein. “Based on my reading of Mary Shelley’s novel, these Frankensteins should expire upon reaching the North Pole.”
But European Union Foreign Secretary Federica Mogherini fears that the chasidic golems are not finished settling scores. “Europe has a lot of reckoning to do. Between Belgium and the North Pole is Iceland, where pop musicians refuse to attend Eurovision because of BDS. In Ireland, the parliament passed a ban on settlement-made wine, and don’t get me started on Sweden and Norway. Our partners in NATO are on high alert to deploy Santa Claus against these monsters.”
By Sergey Kadinsky