SHUSHAN – The Persian Empire was rocked this week by the vicious hanging of the King’s Prime Minister, Haman, and his ten sons. Haman, who has served King Ahasuerus faithfully for years, was mere days away from retirement when he was accused of attempted genocide of the realm’s Jewish population, including the Queen herself. However, as CNN can exclusively report, the true story is one of deception, lies, and a takeover of the monarchy by the Queen’s own uncle, Mordecai.
Mordecai is a descendant of the former King of Israel, Saul of Tribe Benjamin, who was ousted from his position by the usurper David of Tribe Judah. Since that time, Saul’s descendants have yearned to get back into power, but none more so than Mordecai. This power-hungry man from a fallen family has yearned to get back in the good graces of the public for decades. Back in the days of King Cyrus, after the Jews rejected the Samaritans from an annexation request, Mordecai’s thirst for power had its first quenching. He was designated as the Jewish representative to King Cyrus to argue that the Samarians were not “Jewish” because they didn’t follow the “Torah” (and ancient book that Jews believe has laws and lessons for how to live life). The Samarians chose future Prime Minister Haman as their representative for the annexation request.
Little is known about Haman and Mordecai’s journey to Persia, but what is known is this. When Haman ran out of food, through no fault of his own due to a thyroid condition he had since childhood, he asked Mordecai for some bread. Mordecai, the power coursing through his veins, only conceded after Haman promised to be indebted to him! There is no confirmation whether or not Mordecai enforced this debt, but the idea that one would have to pay for food just shows what kind of man Mordecai was.
Fast-forward to years later, which was a time of prosperity in the Persian Empire. After an incredible 180-day feast provided by the King’s personal fortune, Haman showed his allegiance to the King by recommending the execution of the King’s wife, Vashti. It is well known in the Persian Empire that any wife who does not obey her husband should be executed, as Haman bravely reminded the King (A statement to the public re-enforcing this policy was distributed shorty after). This bold move elevated Haman to the role of Prime Minister, which led to a Golden Age in Shushan.
The nefarious nature of Mordecai’s plot appears during this Golden Age, as CNN can exclusively report. As is Persian custom, King Ahasuerus was the main contestant in that season of The Bachelor. While The Bachelor normally has approximately 30 young women vying for the love and affection of that year’s contestant, a Royal Bachelor season opens up the contest to every woman in the country. Mordecai convinced his niece, then named Hadassah, to change her name and enter the contest. Now, while this was a legal requirement, it still does not excuse Mordecai’s desire to be the uncle of the Queen.
Well, a mere four years later (which is still considered the best Bachelor season since Ben Higgins), Mordecai’s plot was achieved. The admittingly plain-looking Esther was chosen as Queen. Varying accounts from Democratic Congresswoman Ilhan Omar attributes this selection to Israel hypnosis or AIPAC money, but CNN will neither confirm nor deny that is how Esther became the Queen. Needless to say, Mordecai was now just a stone’s throw away from the most powerful monarch in the world, and there was only one man who could stop him.
Prime Minister Haman saw the threat that Mordecai posed. After all, as the Samarian representative all those years before, he knew that Jews rebuilding their Temple was merely an excuse for open rebellion against the Persian Empire, and eventual world domination. After convincing Ahasuerus to halt the rebuilding, Haman thought the threat of the Jews was over. However, once he saw Mordecai lurking about, his well-tuned radar for threats to the monarchy started to beep. After seeing first-hand the power and outsized influence of the Jewish lobby with King Cyrus, Haman knew the danger of a Jew lurking around the palace gates. When attempting to appeal to Mordecai directly, Mordecai didn’t even do him the service of bowing, which is customary to a man of his position. So he did the only logical thing he could. He appealed directly to the king.
Haman may have overplayed his hand here, but he had no choice, for Mordecai’s recalcitrance was indicative of a far larger “Jewish Problem.” Haman had to make the hard choices that Ahasuerus couldn’t, like a genocide of all Jews. Much like when Emperor Palpatine ordered all the Jedi to be eradicated, only a sacrifice of this magnitude could ensure the prosperity of the Empire!
Upon learning of Haman’s noble sacrifice, Mordecai saw an opportunity to usurp Haman’s position. According to sources (who will remain anonymous so they cannot be questioned) at Metro Shushan News and Broadcasting Company (MSNBC), Mordecai was finally able to put the final phase of his plan in motion. These anonymous, unimpeachable sources say that Mordecai was an unindicted co-conspirator in a regicide hoax so devious it would astound even Jussie Smollet. Allegedly, he paid two government employees to talk about killing the King in a language only he would know, just so he could rat them out and curry favor with said King! (Editorial note from CNN legal: since the word “allegedly” is in that sentence, we cannot be sued for defamation). Years later, for seemingly no reason other than “he couldn’t sleep,” the King ordered Haman to call out praises and lead Mordecai down the street for all the people of the city to see.
Ever the faithful public servant, Haman agreed to perform this task even though it was beneath his station. However, his resolve was undeterred. He would lead the cleansing of the Jews himself to continue the Golden Age of Prosperity. However, it was too late. The deviousness of Mordecai’s full plan to place his niece in the palace was discovered, and Haman’s heroic sacrifice for the sake of the Persian Empire was realized. In their blood lust, Mordecai and Queen Esther had Ahasuerus give the death penalty to Haman’s ten sons for the small crime of also wanting to commit mass genocide.
It is uncharacteristic for CNN to take sides in a news report such as this, but some evils must be called out. Journalistic integrity dictates that we point out the wrongdoings of the power-hungry and corrupt Jewish Leader, Mordecai, and remember all the sacrifices that Haman made to protect the Persian People. History will prove that Haman’s actions were, in the end, righteous.
Mike Hilson is an objective news reporter, often referred to as “your typical CNN writer.” He is a graduate of the Unbiased and Totally Objective School of Journalism. In addition to Crown News Network, he is the Editor-at-Large for The New Yazd Times, and covers Jewish stories for both outlets. You can follow him on Twitter @HamanWasRightAndI’mTotallyObjective.