In an ironic display of reality, the race for Queens District Attorney has become crowded enough to merit its own cable channel with an ongoing debate between candidates streaming between now and the June 25 primary date. “Tune in to learn about my plan for bail reform as we seek to bring real change to the office,” said Councilman Rory Lancman, one of 235 candidates vying to succeed Richard Brown as the borough’s top law enforcement official. “My 75-point plan outlines the reforms that are needed.”
“Queens is all about diversity, and I cannot wait to hire qualified staff that reflect every race, ethnicity, orientation, gender, food allergy class, and fashion taste in our great borough,” said Mina Malik, who most Queens residents haven’t heard of prior to this contest.
“But I’ve been a lawyer, judge, and prosecutor all these years and I’ve proposed all the ideas that the other candidates are running on,” said Gregory Lasak, who is neither an elected official nor a young activist. “In any other year, the county party would make its pick and the race would be a shoo-in.”
But with the meteoric rise of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as a national political figure, public defender Tiffany Caban is hoping that her social media magic and Democratic Socialism will rub off on her. “AOC worked long night shifts as a waitress and now she’s on Capitol Hill. I’ve worked long shifts in night court. Shouldn’t that count for something?”
By Sergey Kadinsky