If you’re thinking of moving out of New York right now for whatever reason, here’s a thought: Why not New Jersey?
Okay, I can tell you why not New Jersey.
As someone who grew up in New York but moved out to New Jersey twenty-one years ago (I’m always ahead of the trends), I feel like I’m in a unique position to help guide you with your move. I’m not doing a whole Nefesh B’Nefesh thing here, helping people move to New Jersey, but I mean at least as far as telling you what to expect that might be different in New Jersey.
There aren’t as many differences as you’d think, because almost everyone in New Jersey is originally from New York.
First of all, you should know up front that it costs nothing to cross a bridge into New Jersey, but you have to pay to leave. That’s why a lot of us are still here.
And not everything is different. For example, we have buses, some of which go straight to New York! Though you never know when or if the bus will come. We also have off-brand buses that go to exactly the same places for 50 cents less, and they can afford to charge less because they don’t have shocks.
We also have trees! Not as many trees as some other states, but I mean, ease yourselves in.
And speaking of easing yourselves in, New Jersey is said to be the most densely-populated state. Sure, New York City is also pretty densely populated. But as a state, it averages out. If you drive through New York State end to end, you’ll find that the six hours it takes you to drive through the rest of the state is significantly less dense than the six hours it takes you to drive through the city. Point is, New Jersey is a nice stepping-stone for people who would like to leave New York but still enjoy crowds.
If you live in New Jersey, you like that the city is right there, in case you ever need it, but you don’t want to go into the city for anything. In fact, once you move, you find that you don’t want to go anywhere that you know there’s going to be traffic. You’ll wait until sometime that there’s no traffic. So you spend a lot of time at home. Whereas in New York City, you spend a lot of time out of the home, waiting in lines. In New York, you can sit in traffic just circling the block to look for parking. And half the traffic is people backing into parking spaces. In New Jersey, you learn which highways are crowded in which direction at what times. I live pretty close to MetLife Stadium, and while we have a siyum there every seven years, the non-Jews apparently have them way more often. Or maybe they’re just playing games there; I don’t know. So you have to keep on top of when there’s going to be stuff going on in the stadium, just so you can anticipate traffic. Of angry people sitting in line to be able to stand in line to sit in a crowd with all of those same people, and then angrily sit in line with those same people again on the way out. But we like that we can see the city, so we can keep an eye on it in case anything happens.
We have cities too! We have Newark, which is something most New Yorkers don’t know about. They think we’re just mispronouncing New York. No one really goes there, though, because that’s where we keep the traffic. And the airport. And most of the people who sell food at red lights.
New Jersey has more property crime than New York, but less violent crime. So it depends what you’re into. And it depends what the crime is, probably, because some of the laws are different from state to state. Especially the weird laws.
For example, it’s officially illegal to honk your horn in New York City unless someone’s life is in danger. (The reason people do it anyway is that if you’re slowing them down, your life is in danger.)
Also, according to some sources, it might be illegal in New York to walk around with ice cream in your pocket on Sundays. I actually think that’s a typo, and they meant to write “sunny days”. But if you wanted to do that, you would have had to move by this point anyway. The only situation that I can see myself doing that is if I take ice cream and I don’t want my kids to know, so I’m eating it in some corner of the house, and the kids suddenly walk in. And then I have to take them somewhere and don’t have a chance to remove it.
Point is, if you move out of New York, you won’t have to deal with these laws anymore. But New Jersey has its own stuff.
For example, double parking is illegal in New Jersey.
Also, in New Jersey, it’s illegal for car dealerships to be open on Sundays. Not even for test drives. I think this might have something to do with the lack of a law prohibiting having ice cream in your pocket.
And actually, in Bergen County, it’s illegal to sell any “non-essential goods” on Sundays, such as furniture, major electronics, and clothing. So if nothing else, you might want to live somewhere that clothing is considered essential.
Also, in New Jersey, it is forbidden to pump your own gas. You need a professional who didn’t do well in grade school and who is also never in a rush. To be honest, I don’t even like pumping my own gas. I’m not going to go to New York so I can do it myself, and also pay more to do so, by the way. This is not like apple picking. (“Hey, kids! Guess what we’re doing for Chol Hamoed!”) This law has been on the books since 1949, when I guess letting random Joes pump their own gas was considered dangerous, because back then, it wasn’t just like you push some squares on a screen. Pumping gas probably involved like a bike pump or something. My shaylah is that if you’re a gas station attendant and you go to another gas station, are you allowed to do it then? Is it a din in the gas station or the attendant? What about at your own gas station? Is it okay then, or do you still have to get someone else to do it, like dental work?
On many roadways in New Jersey, you’re not allowed to turn left. You have to use a jughandle. Jughandles are how you turn left without turning left, by turning right and going around a loop while leaning, and then waiting for the light going the other way. And it only takes like four minutes!
The driving tests are considerably easier in New Jersey, where they take place on a closed course, usually on DMV property, and with no other cars around. The hardest part of the test is where you have to parallel park between two traffic cones, which I guess is essential because traffic cones are everywhere in New Jersey. This is unlike New York, where the tests take place on the busiest, narrowest, curviest road that the DMV can find, during a marathon, and then you have to parallel park on the left side of the road between two food trucks in a space that is smaller than your car, and the instructor refuses to get out and help. Also, New Jersey driving-test proctors tend to live longer.
There are also no Regents exams in New Jersey, which means that every student’s education is entirely dependent on how much each teacher cares about his job and how long he is willing to argue with students about why they need to know each and every lesson individually when he can’t just shrug and say, “Regents.”
New Jersey is about the size of Eretz Yisroel. What other state is ever mentioned regularly in the same sentence as Eretz Yisroel? We even have our own Ir Hakodesh!
People who don’t live in Jersey will say, “Oh, you live in Joisey?” and then look at you like they think that you must think they are really clever. FUN FACT: I’ve been living in Jersey for 21 years and have never heard anyone who lives here say, “Joisey.” If anything, Joisey is how you would say it in an old-timey Brooklyn accent. They’re making fun of Brooklyn! They have some noive.
Okay, so some of the things in this list are not specific to New Jersey. But if you want to live in a place with basically the same weather as New York and decent bagels and where everyone is just as rude rushed, New Jersey is the place for you. See, the problem with living somewhere where everyone is nice is that you have to be nice too. Only you can know if you’re ready for that. So if you’re not looking to change, I would suggest not moving that far.
EXCEPTION: In New Jersey, if someone says, “Good Shabbos,” etiquette dictates that you say Good Shabbos back. EVEN IF YOU DON’T KNOW THEM. It doesn’t mean that you agree with all their shitos or that you’d be meshadech with them. You just do it anyway. It’s annoying, especially when you’re in middle of whatever deep thoughts you’re thinking on the way to shul.
(If you don’t respond, I always assume you’re catching up on davening.)
But don’t like shmooze or anything. It’s not Baltimore.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.