NOTE: This article is about a serious health procedure that saves lives but that people are afraid of undergoing. I understand that a lot of readers are not in the parshah, and they can feel free to sleep through it, but the truth is that awareness of certain things helps people make peace with them over time. That said, I’m going to try to talk about it in as sensitive a manner as possible. I’ve even gone through the entire article to scrub out any puns that people might consider inappropriate, in order to make sure this article is on the up and up. Because this is a procedure everyone should go through, in the end.
Most people will go along with whatever random tests their doctor springs on them. But if there’s one test that about 30% of the population draws the line at, it’s colonoscopies.
For those who don’t know, a colonoscopy is a procedure the doctors use of checking to see how your insides are doing by sticking a camera through your large intestine. And before you say, “Oh, no! I don’t want a tube going down my throat!” the good news is they don’t put it down your throat.
The other good news is that they put you to sleep beforehand.
Basically, the doctors are looking for anything out of the ordinary that could be a problem. Like you could wake up and they’ll be like, “Okay, we found a wedding ring.”
“It WAS in the cake!”
Mostly, though, they’re looking for something worse.
Basically, they have this hose with GoPro at the end that goes to this app on their phone, and it has a light and a pinchy thing and lasers, and it kind of reminds me of the people at NASA sending spaceships to strange lands and playing with remote control cars back on the safety of terra firma.
A lot of people are scared to get this procedure, though, because it’s invasive. But the alternative is to have you swallow a pill with a tiny camera, except that the procedure would take longer and they wouldn’t be able to control which way the camera is pointing. Unless they put a remote on it too, and little helicopter blades.
“Ow!”
“Sorry.”
“I thought he was supposed to be asleep.”
“He wanted a turn with the helicopter.”
Doctors are very into doing this test. When you hit a certain age, your main goal when you go to the doctor is that there should not be a lull in the conversation, because if there is, he’s absolutely going to bring this up. My doctor already fills the silence by suggesting random blood tests, so I have to go in with a whole notepad of medical things to talk about. But what happened was that one of the questions I asked got me sent to a gastroenterologist, who was this older, tired gentleman who, said, in short, “I’m not going to fix the problem you actually came to me for, but have you considered getting a colonoscopy? Just to make sure there’s not a worse problem?” And I said, “Uch, fine,” because I am nothing if not a people pleaser.
And he said, “Okay, see you then... Unless you also want me to also prescribe a cream for the first thing...”
And I said, “Yeah, that’s why I’m here!”
It’s actually not that bad. They say the worst part is the prep. No other medical procedure has prep like this beforehand. Basically, you have to clean out your system so the camera can take clear pictures, so step one, the day before, is that they want you to exclusively eat things that will not block their view. Everything you eat has to be clear. So besides drinks, you can for example have clear chicken broth, which is soup without the vegetables or the chicken. So in other words, salt water. You can also have ices, because that melts into a clear liquid, and you can have Jello, even though most people doing this are grown adults.
Step two is they want to give you stomach problems. They want to get rid of everything you have ever eaten in your entire life, as well as everything your ancestors have ever eaten.
“Is that kutach?”
To that end, they found some drink that no one’s stomach can tolerate, and they said, “Can we also make it taste horrible and cost 50 bucks?” Because they don’t want people using it for pranks.
Like if you didn’t know that this is what the drink was supposed to do, you’d be very concerned. You’d say, “I think this thing went bad. What’s the expiration?”
The weird thing was it did have an expiration date. I don’t know how they can tell when it expires. Does it suddenly not cause stomach problems?
The drink I was given was called “cranberry flavor.” It kind of tastes like they were going for cherry, but they missed, so they said, “What do we call it?”
They can literally write whatever flavor they want. The FDA doesn’t check.
But you know, there are good tasting things that can do the same thing to your stomach. Like I could have just had a big tray of eggplant parmesan.
They scheduled the procedure for 6 in the morning. I think they only do colonoscopies at 6 in the morning. Otherwise they’re burning daylight.
Also, it’s the same doctor that does this as has the regular office hours. I think this is why he was tired.
And if you’re thinking, “Well, if I have to wake up by 6, I go to bed early!” you can guess again, because they want you to drink half of your “cranberry” stuff at 1:30 in the morning, followed by 4 cups of water. And if you think you’re going to go to sleep immediately after that, you have another thing coming.
The cranberry stuff comes with two sets of instructions, just in case. The first dose is to be taken over supper with 6 cups of water, and also the entire supper conversation with your family has to be about your situation. They don’t say how much time you have to gulp all this down. But you do want to do it before the stomach problems kick in, and you don’t know when that’s going to happen.
That said, you want to arrange to have this test at whichever colonoscopy place is closest to your home. In fact, I think that’s why they make it at six in the morning -- so you don’t hit traffic. Also, you want it to be somewhere where you don’t have to circle the block looking for parking. Or maybe that’s why they tell you to have someone drive you.
The truth, I found out, is that your stomach doesn’t actually take you by surprise. Your stomach gives you ample warning, in the form of gradually increasing rumbling noises. Not just you – your whole family hears the rumbling noises. It sounded like someone was rearranging furniture in there.
When I got to the place, a nurse led me to a curtained area and told me to remove all my personal items and put on a giant painting smock and a pair of socks from the trampoline park.
Wait, what are we doing, again? Why do I need grippy socks? Won’t I be in a bed the whole time?
Yeah. They just don’t want to look at your feet.
They also gave me a paper with instructions for the rest of the day, which said, near the top, “Don’t drive, operate machinery, or make critical decisions.”
I don’t know what “critical decisions” are. My wife said it was like, “Don’t get married. Don’t buy a house. Don’t buy a car.” But I mean, she says that every day.
Not out loud, but it’s implied.
So okay, here’s what no one tells you about colonoscopies, but this might be the drugs talking:
It’s a scam. They don’t really do anything. They tell you to count backwards from 10, and you say, “10, 9, 8,” and they say, “We’re done!” And you ask, “When?” And they say, “Just now. You were asleep.”
Oh, really. I don’t remember falling asleep. How come I’m still on my left side?
They say it’s a required test, and they definitely charge for it, but we have no way of knowing if they actually do anything.
“Oh, everything looks good in there!”
It’s the inside of a person’s body. Nothing looks good in there.
The only mystery my theory leaves is when did I stop counting backwards from 10?
So here’s what I say: I think everyone should get a colonoscopy, because if I had to do it, so should you.
So I would encourage getting it. Unless you’re at an age where your doctor hasn’t started suggesting it, in which case you would look weird asking for one.
Best-case scenario, you’ll find out that you’re totally okay and they didn’t need to do all that.
Oh well. Live and learn.
And if there is something there that might be a serious problem down the road, they can nip it in the bud.
I said bud.
It’s a little bit of discomfort, mostly in the privacy of your own home, so that you can IY”H be around for a nice long time to be there for whoever is willing to wake up at 6 in the morning to drive you to this thing.
I brought my wife the grippy socks as a thank you. She put them right in the laundry.
Anyway, wake up! The article’s done.
Or maybe there was no article.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.