This may seem like a frivolous topic, but to me it is not. It may not be up there with the weighty and pivotal issues facing the United States and Israel today, but it is very reflective of our character as a community.
When I became bar mitzvah in 1965, the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills was at its peak in membership. The celebration was held in the Promenade Hotel in Long Beach, New York, with some 600 men and women attending. Joe King a”h was the orchestra, and I was in heaven celebrating with family and classmates. With that attendance, I also received many gifts of s’farim and checks.
After a week or so, my father pressed me on the need to send a thank-you note to each gift-giver. I couldn’t believe it. How could I send hundreds of notes? And don’t they know I appreciate each gift? “Never mind that,” said my father. “People need to hear from you directly.”
My father promised to order preprinted thank-you notes in my handwriting, but I must sign each one individually. And so it was.
My wedding had about 900 in attendance in 1975. The same scenario followed, except this time we had to individualize each thank-you note. Naturally, it took us a few weeks to get to it, and several people asked my father if we received their gifts, as they were surprised not to hear from me. At the time, I thought these people were nuisances, but later I fully appreciated where they came from. In fact, when I began marrying off my children, I became the insistent father and made sure my children sent their thank-you notes.
This may not be the experience of all of you – perhaps very few of you – but I have noticed that the trend is developing to receive fewer and fewer thank-you notes, whether it’s for a wedding or bar/bas mitzvah gift. I find this trend very disturbing. It’s called a lack of basic mentchlichkeit. Do I need a formal thank you when I’m sure the recipients appreciated my gift? Perhaps not – but I am human, and I would just like to be shown a bit of acknowledgement.
The Gemara (Bava M’tzia 75b) discusses how far-reaching the prohibition of repaying a loan with interest is – that even unusual praise from the borrower to the lender is prohibited. The Torah Temimah, in his epic commentary on the Chumash, writes (D’varim 23:20) that this prohibition does not include saying thank you to the lender. This is part of “normal civil discourse” and not considered extraneous flattery in any way.
A good number of months ago, I gave the children of a friend of mine a generous wedding gift. (At least I considered it generous.) I never heard back from the couple. Being that it is a good friend, I leveled with him and told him I was surprised not to hear from them. He tried brushing it off by saying that as newlyweds they were very consumed with establishing their new home. I knew that it was an excuse.
Weeks and even months went by, and I still have not heard from them. Again, I let him know I was disappointed. He told me it is not up to him. I told him that if I was disappointed, then I’m sure many of his friends and associates are disappointed but will not be honest enough to say so.
But he’s wrong. It is up to the parents to thrust the weight of their years upon their children, when called for.
To me, this is indicative of two issues with the generation of today – one with the children and one with the parents. The children are too self-absorbed to understand the need to express their thanks, and the parents are too fearful to exert pressure on their kids, lest they harm their relationship.
On more than one occasion, my father had been passed up as m’sadeir kiddushin in favor of the chasan’s rosh ha’yeshivah, who just stepped into the groom’s life months or even weeks before. In two cases, my father was with the young man and his family since birth and was very instrumental in seeing that they navigated very challenging issues until they developed into the fine young men they became.
My father was too much of a gentleman to say anything. But on both occasions, the father of the chasan came to my father, understanding this was not the right thing. They meekly approached my father to apologize in advance by explaining, “Rabbi, trust me: If it were up to me, we would have you be the m’sadeir kiddushin. But what can I do? This is what my son wants.”
What do you mean, “If it were up to me”? It is up to you! You’re the father. Teach your son what a bit of gratitude is all about, I fumed to myself. Besides, who’s paying the bills?
That is why, to me, the lack of thank-you cards is a serious issue. Now, truth be told, my kids tell me they do receive thank-you notes. And most of my nieces and nephews are good about it. But my experience is that in the last ten simchos we have given gifts to, maybe four sent such notes. What’s your experience?
Rabbi Yoel Schonfeld is the Rabbi Emeritus of the Young Israel of Kew Gardens Hills, President of the Coalition for Jewish Values, former President of the Vaad Harabonim of Queens, and the Rabbinic Consultant for the Queens Jewish Link.