Do you ever get so upset that you speak in a high-pitched voice and kind of feel like you’ve perhaps gone mad? Then your friend or partner actually speaks in an unusually calm manner, and oftentimes shuts the entire conversation down. That response really drives you into a frenzy.

Of course, once you lose your temper, you lose all credibility. Or so she claims. Since you are clearly in a bit of an uproar, he invalidates all the feelings you have and all the points you just made. You know what they say: “Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools, because they have to say something.”

Indeed, you may have been immature or erratic at the time, but now she has shifted the entire focus to your behavior instead of the issue at hand. This lack of communication benefits neither one of you. If you aggressively point out his chaotic state, it further weakens his ability to become calmer and more agreeable.

We all lose our self-possession at times, sweet friends. You may not be able to stop crying or temporarily lose your skills on how to remain totally temperate or unflappable. Difficult situations can challenge those of us without a naturally serene nature. He can be derisive and dismissive even though he appears outwardly chilled and collected.

Of course, we should always try to be reasonable and poised. However, when we feel ignored or dismissed, our method of delivery may be less than perfect. Sometimes your “nice button” is just out of order. Try not to get too worked up, my friends. If your friend falls into a less than cool-headed state, remember that you, too, are oftentimes unable to make yourself understood.

The more invested you are in someone, the more likely you are to lose control or start to cry. Be compassionate, please, as we all end up in a mess at one time or another. How are you at your worst moment? Words can cut as deeply as any blade.

I know. You’re not crying. You’re just having an allergic reaction to feelings. Don’t hold that crying spell against her, as she may depend on you deeply, which explains how frightening it is when you do not seem to care. Learn to confront your stress. Do not accept verbal or emotional abuse ever, but do not ignore or avoid your problems, please. Try to tackle the source of what overwhelms you.

Forgive him, and do forgive yourself when you fail. Outrageous expectations may make it hard not to criticize yourself or engage in self-punishment. Trick your brain by smiling. Trust me, even if is not genuine, you will trick yourself into mildly cheering up. It’s been said: “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

Keep yourself mellower by doing the following: Clean the clutter in your life and in your environment. How many choices of breakfast cereal can you name? Making choices is a common source of stress, my friends. Frosted Flakes or 17 choices of healthy oat bran? Sheesh. Oh, and let’s settle the age-old debate: Is cereal just a breakfast food or an anytime snack? What’s better than breakfast cereal? Lunch cereal and dinner cereal.

Give yourself clear directives and decisions. Do not buy more than you need. Even at Target. Because it’s Shop o’clock somewhere? I know. What happens at Target is between you and your credit card company. I’ve been shopping my whole life and still have nothing to wear. But seriously, make a comprehensive list and only buy what is on that list.

Do you have a goal each day? If not, set one from now on. Perhaps you wish to add an act of kindness to brighten the world around you. Go ahead and give that compliment. Embody one of your core values and take a stand for what you believe in today. Do a kind gesture for no reason at all.

If you assume the best, you won’t sit around waiting to be disappointed. It’s challenging to see the good in everyone. Try to believe in your loved ones the way you should believe in yourself. Do not cling to a toxic grudge against her. Let it go, please.

Work on inspiring rituals and habits, sweet friends. Routines will steady you when you do fall. Instead of scrolling on Insta, express your thoughts to your friend. Most people don’t know this, but you can actually do something without telling everyone on TikTok about it. But truly, it will free your mind from the burden of carrying your thoughts or worries all by yourself. Your loved ones play a crucial role in your ultimate happiness and can satisfy your deep emotional needs.

Above all: Before you say something, think how you would feel if someone said it to you.

Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.