Question: Do you have a sense of self? What do you truly want in this life, and who do you ultimately trust? Are you doing what you wish to do or what you believe you are supposed to do? Do you agree with ideas because others do and are told it is good to do so?
Are you afraid to even express your political opinions? Speaking of politics, you know what they say: We learn from history that we do not learn from history. Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
But seriously, when you were a child, did you face an environment where your uniqueness or individuality wasn’t even noticed by your parents? Perhaps your father was self-absorbed or your mother was obsessed with her career. Were your parents able to push their needs aside for you at times?
If no one in your past was in harmony with you, it’s hard to be attuned to yourself. You can only know what you really think about things if someone in your past facilitated your journey to self-discovery.
When you ventured forth an opinion, did someone tend to shout over you or tell you how absurd your point of view was? Was their way the only way? We’ve all witnessed how easily people followed an agenda predetermined by the government and medical establishment with no room for questioning.
Perhaps your dad always dreamed of you excelling in sports, academics, or learning. Then again, it’s been said: No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although, if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes.
But honestly, you may have heard “Just do this” most of your life, where others assumed they knew how that made you feel.
Sometimes our very survival depends on complying with the powers that be. But did you have to sacrifice your real identity to do so? You may have learned to be too selfless, going along with what she wants or needs without giving it a thought of your own.
You might seek out his worldview and somehow lose yourself in it. But know this, sweet friends: No one sacrifices their sense of self without a degree of discomfort, disappointment, or even dislike.
Sadly, you may not express those feelings, as you were trained not to. But your loved ones may first discover them when things become unmanageable or uncontrollable. When you first met him, you were made to feel fabulous, but weren’t suspicious enough to wonder why.
Then the wind changes, and your best friend begins to hang out with other friends instead of you. Your taste in music seemed especially interesting to him at first, and he always reflected it back to you. She used to seek out your worldview. Now there is more than a gentle disinterest.
She says, “You always expect me to be perfect.” He holds you responsible for stifling him. What is the line between being loved and being controlled?
At some point, he states that he feels trapped. He has pieces of anger in his system. She feels you suffocated her. You were once amazing and astonishing, and he now views you as disagreeable and displeasing. What happened?
She may have borrowed an identity to please you, and she is now trapped in it. Do you still even know the books or foods he likes? Then again, I’m so thankful for Instagram; otherwise, I’d have thousands of people to call each afternoon to let them know what I ate for breakfast. Then again, anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense. But truly, perhaps you don’t even honestly know your loved ones at all.
If you feel prevented from becoming who you really are, ask yourself why. Don’t let him foist his views and opinions on you. Don’t demand that she echo you. And above all, do not surrender your sense of self to anyone, please. Your speed does not matter. Forward is forward.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.