What’s the difference between a fragile and solid relationship? Do you know? Believe it or not, people who are naive and overly hopeful about love think that their friendships or relationships will be conflict-free.
Inevitably, when problems arise, as they always will, they believe that their relationship is damaged and deficient. What many of us fail to realize is that, like our cars, our relationships need routine maintenance. As mechanics say: Trust me, duct tape fixes almost everything… almost.
But truthfully, insecure and easily threatened people oftentimes are not aware of their own pain. Are you unhappy but truly do not know the true cause of your dissatisfaction? You know something is wrong but cannot zero in on specific behaviors that caused it.
You may lash out in anger or, quite the opposite, you may not even fundamentally believe in your right to have your needs met. You may have been made to feel as though you truly don’t matter very much.
Perhaps your feelings were ignored in the past. Maybe she never made your happiness a priority. You must learn to turn your hurt into something she can understand. Perhaps she pouts and sulks or he grumbles and gripes rather than sharing how they truly feel.
Please remember that your relationship is not at stake in every single misunderstanding you have. Speaking of relationships, this morning I accidentally changed the GPS voice to “Male.” Now it just says: It’s around here somewhere. Keep driving.
But seriously, try to share your emotions calmly. He might think your complaints are trivial or insignificant. But it’s perfectly okay that you became upset because he didn’t make eye contact when he came home or that she forgot to make your favorite dessert this holiday.
Do not be embarrassed about your desire for reassurance or soothing. It takes strength to share your vulnerabilities, sweet friends. Do not say “nothing is wrong” when you deeply wish to be comforted.
It may be that you simply wish to be understood. When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation that actually worked out? Disagreements are meant to evolve into mutual understanding, after all. And you know what they say: Marriage is one person throwing away food because the expiration date says yesterday… while the other is standing there eating it, saying, “It’s fine.”
But truly, ongoing emotional disconnection can surely break friendships and relationships apart. Many of us need to be released from the grip of self-condemnation. You need not ruin every happy moment with a feeling of foreboding or guilt.
Do you have a worried mind? How often do you regret things in your life? If you take no pleasure in simply being yourself, how can others possibly be joyful in your presence? Make efforts to start being kind and charitable to your own mind.
What is in the theatre of your consciousness right now? Do not allow negative thoughts in so easily, and do not permit destructive beliefs to rule over you. Ask yourself if you truly feel self-love at all.
Do not habitually show yourself or others contempt or disapproval. Salvation, sweet friends, always comes from self-awareness. Rediscover the virtues of mercy and forgiveness. Never question your lovability. And you know it’s been said: Never laugh at your wife’s choices… you’re one of them.
But truly, master the art of self-compassion and compassion for others. Remember, it’s been observed: Do what you did in the beginning of the relationship, and there won’t be an end.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.