Sometimes the answer is easy. Sometimes it isn’t. I don’t think there is anything wrong in admitting that sometimes you don’t have the answer. It keeps us human and grounded and also gives us the opportunity to learn from others who may know the answers we seek. I didn’t know how to respond to this email, but I didn’t avoid or ignore it. I did my best.
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Dear Goldy:
It doesn’t matter if I’m a male or female, young or old; my issue can relate to anyone and I’m sure others feel like I do. My issue: I’m not enjoying dating.
Some of my friends are married – not all. I have a social life. I’m not here telling you I’m home crying. It’s more like every time I have to get ready for a date, I dread it, or better wording: I’m not excited. I’m not thinking, “This could be the one.” Here we go again, another date, is more like it. There have been times when I’ve enjoyed myself and had sort of a relationship with someone, but it didn’t last. My not being excited to date isn’t because of that relationship.
In the beginning, I was somewhat excited about dating, but the newness of it wore off. I look at it the same as washing the laundry. It has to get done. I must have clean clothes, but it’s kind of a boring process. I haven’t had any horrible dating stories. I get set up with people who are close to what I’m looking for, so it’s not like I’m tired of going out with the opposite of what I’m looking for. I took some time away from dating, thinking maybe it wasn’t the right time for me to date; maybe I was stressing out about work and family. But I never had the emotional pull back to dating. Even when friends got engaged, I was happy for them, and I want to get married, too, but I just roll my eyes at the idea of dating. But I need to date someone in order to get married. The whole thing of going through shadchanim, meeting them, giving them my “resume,” hoping that they “get me.” It’s tiresome before it even begins.
If I’m on a date, I try hard to have a good time, but why should I try so hard to be excited? It’s not like I’m not excited, I’m just...neutral about it.
Single and Waiting
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Thank you for your email, S&W.
You’re very much correct; many people do not enjoy the dating process. Dating is mentally, physically, emotionally hard. It can take a toll on anyone. Shidduch dating is not a natural way of dating. It’s not like “Man meets woman, they date, they fall in love. They marry and live happily ever after.” Shidduch dating isn’t even like laws of nature or how animals find a mate. Usually, in shidduch dating, two strangers are thrown into a situation where they are forced to get to know each other, make small talk, laugh at each other’s jokes, begin to care about the person or what the person is saying. All is set up through a third party because there aren’t any real places for a frum man and woman to meet other than college or through a friend! Our whole lives we are told to stay separated from the opposite sex. We can’t sit next to each other in shul, at a wedding, at some concerts – and now we are forcing the ones who have been dutifully listening and paying attention to their teachers to stay away to begin to mix and mingle to now get to know them well enough to decide to marry them. Do you know how asinine it sounds? I don’t want letters from people explaining why boys/men and girls/women must be separated, but if we are told through 12th grade to stay away, it’s kind of jarring and odd to now know you must interact with each other.
Other than that, yes, dating can be sooo much fun (sarcasm). And let’s not forget that you are not in charge when you date someone. Sure, you’re an adult, and make decisions every day that affect your life, but with dating two people have equal say with what happens. You may be having a great time, and he/she may not, and so you find yourself at the receiving end of a breakup. Yes, it depends on how long the couple has been dating, but even if “it’s a no” after two dates, you put yourself out there for two dates, you began to open up to the other person, you may have even felt a connection to the other person right away. But they “aren’t feeling it.” And for a reason that may be true or not (depending on what the shadchan tells you), you have to start all over again with someone else, another stranger. It’s as if you’re practicing for a competition. You put in all the time and effort, but your time never comes to shine and show off what you have or what you know. It’s exhausting, physically and mentally. This isn’t what you’re referring to in your letter, but I did want to point out how ridiculous it all is.
I was one of those that enjoyed dating. Yes, at times I got burned out, but generally, I enjoyed it. But that’s part of my personality. I like meeting people, talking, going to new places, and having new experiences. That’s just me. Not everyone enjoys social situations or meeting new people. But I get it. You just don’t enjoy dating or anything who has to do with it. At least you know and admit this. Now maybe you can act on it. Maybe take another vacation from dating. Just live life. Whatever happens, happens. Sometimes when you are least expecting it, you find who you’re looking for. Or not. You may just live your life and that’s that. The important thing is that you don’t force yourself to go out if you don’t want to. I know you said you feel “neutral” about dating. But let’s try to get on the positive side. Yes, people say if you have no expectations, you can’t be disappointed, but the opposite is true as well. If you expect nothing, when something happens, then what? Everyone should go on a date with a positive attitude and outlook. If you can’t, then you’re wasting your time and the time of the person you’re dating.
I think you’re right; I think many feel like you do. There isn’t any excitement in dating for you. But maybe you have to find the fun or make it fun for you – and then maybe the fun will come naturally – or not. One thing is for certain: Your feelings are yours and you are not wrong in having them. You may want to figure out why you are having them, and if you want to change how you feel, you can go ahead and do what you can to try to. But don’t force yourself into any situation. Mom is always right: “Trust in your gut.” Do you want me to advise you to: “Just go out. If you’re not having a bad time or depressed, then why stop?” You know I won’t do that. This is something you (and others) have to work through. And you’re right in that in order to get married, you need to date. The positive side of this is that you don’t have any negative feelings towards dating. You just don’t feel excited.
Do what you need to do in order to be happy. I will add that maybe when you meet the right person, you will get excited and want to date, but I can’t promise anything. Feelings are fickle. They are what they are, and they may not make any sense. We like easy feelings, like when your stomach drops on a roller coaster or how the sight of spiders makes you jump ten feet. But life isn’t all about being easy. If you want to seek out a dating coach or speak with someone with experience with dating and human behavior, then do it. I wish you luck.
Hatzlachah to you all, as well.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..