Many non-pet owners can’t understand the love a person has for their pet. They dress and groom them, cook special food for them, buy expensive toys... They refer to their pet as their “fur-child.”
I don’t have a pet, but my cousins and aunt do (apparently, I have a four-legged first cousin). Seeing all this pet love up close has given me a little insight into the love between a person and their pet. I can somewhat understand how pets are as much a part of the family as any other member. And it can be devastating when a pet dies. The owner/parent does mourn in their own way. But to a non-pet owner, this can be a very weird and awkward situation because they can’t understand what the other person is feeling. And he/she doesn’t feel the same “about some dog/cat.” It was their four-legged best friend that shared so much of their life together.
Recently I received an email from someone who couldn’t understand why a person couldn’t just get over the loss of their longtime pet and family member.
Dear Goldy,
I’ve been out with Moshe. He lives on his own but goes home to his parents once every few weeks, and he’s spoken about George, his family’s dog. The family adopted the dog when Moshe was about twelve. Last week Moshe canceled a date because George died suddenly, and he couldn’t bring himself to go out that night. We rescheduled. He called a few hours before the rescheduled date, apologizing but said he still wasn’t up to dating and wanted to reschedule again.
I want to know if this is normal behavior. It’s not like his grandmother died. I get it; his dog died. He spoke about the dog on dates. He’d say that the dog was his best friend, that they “grew up together.” He didn’t go into detail, but I got it. He loved his dog George - but he also moved out of the house and only saw the dog every now and then. It wasn’t like a human that he called every day or every other day. I’ve never had a pet, so I can’t relate. Is it normal for him to cancel, reschedule, and cancel again over the death of a pet?
Thank you,
Shira
Thank you for your letter, Shira.
There’s the short answer and the long one. I’ll provide both.
Short answer: Yes, it is normal for someone to grieve the death of a pet they’ve had for many years and loved very much. Would you rather go out with Moshe and have him not invest his whole self because he’s thinking about his dog? I don’t think so. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
Now for the long answer. I will begin by letting you know that I am not a pet owner either. The closest I came was owning a goldfish that was given to me in sixth grade. I kept Coco alive for nearly a year. The water was changed every week; he/she/it was fed daily... No matter that I kept him in the empty cut-open Coke bottle since the day I brought him home with me on the school bus, I cared for that fish. And then one Friday afternoon, when I knew my father was changing the water in “the tank,” I heard him scream, and that’s when I knew Coco was gone. I was sorry about it. But I quickly recovered and moved on. In no way am I saying owning a fish is like owning an animal that you can interact with and share emotions with, but I was sad for a few minutes. So now compound that by having a dog (or cat, or turtle, or guinea pig...) that you’ve had for years, probably even grew up with, suddenly die. He/she isn’t there to greet you at the door when you get home anymore, can’t cuddle with you when you feel down, and isn’t there now when you want to play or go on a run. Maybe you can understand it as if a friend moved away - except this friend will never call or write.
I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating Moshe, because you never wrote if it was weeks, months, or just two dates. But it doesn’t matter if Moshe didn’t speak about his dog at length on each date. If he did, would you be asking me if it’s normal for someone to talk non-stop about their dog? You could have also written, “He casually mentioned that the dog he had from childhood just died and he didn’t seem to care. Is that normal?” It’s a no-win situation. Are the canceled dates a deal-breaker for you? Do you think he was too attached to his dog and is overexaggerating his feelings? Are you thinking that this makes him soft and emotional whereas you think men should be strong and never show emotion?
Moshe is grieving for George, who he “grew up” with and loved. Whether it’s a person or animal, everyone processes death differently. To ask if Moshe’s reaction is “normal” is asking about someone’s emotions. One can ask if it is normal for a girl who dated someone a few times to judge how he’s reacting to something he finds devastating, but she doesn’t. Not to be rude, but yes, Moshe’s reaction is normal for losing his dog/best friend, and I think (my opinion only) you sound a little full of yourself to even ask this question. I’m sorry if someone’s sorrow is getting in the way of your dating life. I also want to mention you only wrote George’s name a few times, while you used the word “dog” several more times. I’m not faulting you, but George was so much more than just a dog to Moshe. Sometimes we can only understand what we’re exposed to in life. If you’ve never experienced the love of a pet, then you aren’t wired to understand the depths of Moshe’s emotions over George’s death. Again, I’m not berating you; it’s an observation and fact. How can you (the general you, not specifically you, Shira) mourn and miss what you never had? How can you feel the emptiness that Moshe is feeling right now?
I suggest giving Moshe a little more time. Obviously, he thought he would be able to date and not feel as emotional when he rescheduled the date with you. I’m sure he asked himself if he should reschedule again or go. No one likes to cancel or reschedule a date. Don’t judge Moshe based on this. If he has feelings for you, I’m sure he’s doing his best to get to a place where he can date again (and it will be soon—if it isn’t, then we can talk). Once you resume dating, leave all the negative thoughts about canceled dates and go with a fresh mind. But if I were you, I wouldn’t bring up the topic of grieving or mourning for “the dog,” unless Moshe does. And if he does, let him lead the conversation. He may want to reminisce and needs an ear to listen. Or he may not mention anything at all. Play it by ear.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..