Again, I must break into my usual order of articles because of something that has caught my attention in the last week. It’s a good thing I don’t write a chapter of a novel each week, because then many of you would be annoyed that I broke into our regularly scheduled chapter “for this?” Yes, “for this” — because I think it’s important.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote an article titled “Words.” Its basic message was that we should all watch what we say to everyone because we don’t know what kind of day someone is having and how your words will be interpreted. Even if unintended, words and the tone in which they are said can be misconstrued. You could make or break someone’s day with what you say to another.
I provided examples of what was said to three singles that hurt their feelings. Two of the examples provided, in my opinion, were meant to hurt or “be felt” by the single; the third could have gone either way. I didn’t think the article would cause such an uproar. It was taking, “If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all,” to the next level. I was trying to be nice and considerate, but even here, I found myself reading emails from Karens and even Kevins.
What do I mean by Karens and Kevins? People with negative energy who think others need to hear their thoughts and opinions when no one asked for them — and they never have anything nice to say. They used to be referred to as a “Negative Nelly,” but to be modern, I’ll call them Karens and Kevins.
I am not “woke,” except when I am awake, but I don’t understand these people who are constantly triggered by society and expect everyone else to bend over backward for them, while no one cares how I feel if they offend me.
I grew up in the ’80s. I rode in the backseat without a seatbelt, sometimes climbing into the front seat while the car was moving. I drank from a garden hose, rode a bike without a helmet — down hills. I even rolled down a grassy hill, getting grass stains on my clothes. I don’t get this new type of person we have to be so careful around.
But I still received emails from people complaining that they don’t think they have to mind their p’s and q’s when speaking with people, especially singles. I also received emails from those in support — people who applauded that I was bringing attention to an issue that affects so many. But some of the “many” remain quiet because they don’t want to be thought of as rude or ungrateful and then have someone refuse to redt a shidduch for them — all because they advocated for themselves.
What is wrong with those of you who are against trying to empower and help others, not only singles? Are you jealous that people are doing this for others and no one did it for you when you needed it? Did you have to put up with insults and jabs, figuring it was part of life, and now that people are actually getting hurt, you laugh and tell them to “toughen up,” like you were forced to?
Excerpts From Such Letters:
“I have to worry about using the right pronouns when speaking and now, on top of that, I can’t offend anyone if they take a joke wrong? The singles need to stop being so sensitive. They can’t cry at the drop of a hat. Soon they’ll run out of shuls to go to if they get offended when someone offers advice…”
“I hope it wasn’t singles in their early 20s who wrote to you. They still have a chance — they’re young. They think if they’ve dated two or three people and aren’t engaged yet, it’s time for a challah bake. Chill out. Calm down. If it was a single in their 50s or 60s who you were referring to, that’s a different story, but they should be used to comments by now and just continue with their day…”
“You’re now telling us how to speak and what tone to use. I’m sorry, but I graduated middle school and I don’t need to be told how to speak or what to say. This is life. If people can’t take a comment or two, then they have to toughen up. The world won’t coddle them. Neither should you.”
“I usually like your columns, but I didn’t think last week’s was one of your Top 10. True, people say rude things, but sometimes people turn what is said into an insult when it was never meant as one. It’s the way they turn things around, always saying, ‘It’s because I’m not married that he said that to me.’ People just say things. Half the time, no one remembers half the things they say 10 minutes later. You all need to calm down.”
One last one:
“Maybe you can preach to the singles not to be overly sensitive and just be normal. I don’t think anything is done on purpose, but maybe because they feel stunted in their growth in life, not being married, they link every action and comment back to that. They probably have a lot going for them and they just happen to be not married. They need to focus on the positives. If they get stuck on the fact that they’re single, life will pass them by…”
As I already wrote, I received many supportive emails from singles, marrieds, parents of singles — all agreeing with what I wrote: how you speak and what you say matters so much. I’m not telling anyone to go out of their way to compliment someone; just don’t add the barb at the end of a statement because you think it’s a clever one-liner. A one-liner at the expense of someone’s feelings isn’t funny.
I’m not going into detail about how some of the gedolim were so careful and watched every word that came out of their mouths. They were so careful not to make someone — single or not — feel bad for any reason. We all know the stories. Is it so bad to ask others, if they are able, to help build someone up and offer words of encouragement?
Turn a frown into a smile. I still remember specific things that were told to me when I was single by people who probably didn’t think they were helping me or inspiring me — but they did. And I thank them. I also remember those who said something and didn’t use their sechel before their mouth opened.
Like the saleswoman who approached my parents and me in a store:
“Buying a couch for your daughter the kallah? So nice.”
And I answered, “It would be nice if I was a kallah, but I’m stuck at home. I want to be more comfortable while I wait for my bashert.”
What a horrible saleswoman. Right away, I could tell that I upset her with my retort, but what was she trying to do? We were there for a couch. Period. Now half the people in the store heard what we said because the saleswoman was very loud. It was no one’s business! She probably thought she was helping or being cute or trying to build a rapport with potential customers — but it fell flat. Just say, “Hi, how can I help you?”
If you don’t want to watch what you say and want free rein to say anything — go ahead. I won’t stop you. But someone else might if you end up saying something that someone else finds hurtful.
It’s not a matter of singles being overly sensitive. Every group of people has a sensitive button — couples with fertility issues, people in unhappy marriages, someone who feels isolated and wants friends… I write about singles, so I wrote this about singles.
And it’s because of Karens, Kevins, and how I feel in my heart that I offer private dating sessions. I want to build someone up, help them with an issue that may be getting in the way of them getting or giving the diamond ring.
I responded to all the emails I received, trying very hard not to be rude, but after a while, I ended up cutting and pasting to the naysayers that they didn’t “get” my point and so maybe this article wasn’t for them — but I appreciated the feedback. Even though I wanted to write so much more, it’s not for me to teach people. I’m not a preacher. I can only control what comes out of my mouth.
And to everyone, I say: Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and the children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..