Dear Goldy,
I want to know what your opinion is.
Last week, I went out with a guy who was perfect for me on paper, but far from perfect in person. He chose where to go on the date and picked an expensive restaurant. Who was I to disagree? I tried to give him a chance, but he was boring right from the start. I remember thinking that I was going to have a serious conversation with my friend (and her husband) who set me up. Obviously, she didn’t know me as well as I thought she did. He had no “umph” when he spoke. He was very monotone—almost like a robot. No matter what topic we spoke about, he was very vanilla. I’m more of a mixed-flavor type of person.
I was impressed by the restaurant. I had only been there a handful of times because of its pricey menu. But my friend told me my date worked “in hedge funds,” so I guess he was able to afford it without it taking too much of a bite out of his wallet. Maybe that was the reason my friend set us up—we both earn a very good salary. But that’s not why you set someone up, am I right?
It took the waiter forever to come and take our order, so we had ample time to look at the menu, plus try to find common ground to discuss. But by this point, I knew I was making lemonade out of lemons. While we were waiting and discussing the menu, he kept saying, “Get whatever you want...” Well, of course I would; he chose the restaurant. I wasn’t going to look for a hamburger on the menu—even though they had one for $39.
Once the waiter came, he ordered a few appetizers that we discussed sharing, and then his entrée, which was a steak. I ordered a steak as well—a 16 oz steak. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish it, but I also knew I’d have dinner for the next night when I was planning on binge-watching my favorite show that I’d missed for the last few weeks.
I’ll fast-forward through dinner, which was boring. He’s a nice guy, but not what I’m looking for or what I want. No matter what he said, he bored me. My nephew had voice therapy when he was younger; maybe that’s what he needs. When we were done with the appetizers, there was a ton left. I asked if I could have them wrapped up to take home. He said yes.
We spent a long time over the entrées. I guess he was waiting for me to finish, but there was no way I was going to finish such a huge steak after the appetizers and drinks. I don’t think I’d be able to finish that steak even if I hadn’t had appetizers. But I made a whole project of cutting the meat, moving it around on my plate... I ate a portion of it, but I was full. What was I supposed to do?
After the busboy came around to refill our water for the umpteenth time, I asked for the steak to be wrapped up to take home. Yes, the guy seemed surprised and mentioned that I hadn’t eaten half of it, and we didn’t have to rush out. I guess he meant I could take my time and eat. But no. I was done with the date. When the waiter came with a dessert menu, I was about to accept it when he said we were done and just needed the check.
There’s always room for dessert! But he refused. He thought he was funny and said (in his monotone voice) that it was too bad I was full because the desserts there were excellent. So now I was stuck. I asked if he wanted to share anything, but he said no because I would probably ask for my half to be wrapped up to take home. OMG! He actually said that! I didn’t think he was so brazen. I hadn’t seen that side of him all night (maybe if I did, the date would have gone better).
But I wasn’t going to get caught in my plan. I told him I didn’t know what he was talking about and, if he was referring to the steak, I didn’t plan on eating so many appetizers that you ordered, so it wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t able to finish the steak. He agreed with me that the appetizers were his idea but argued that the way I jumped at having them wrapped up didn’t bother him as much as it did when I asked for the steak I hardly touched to get wrapped up. He said he wasn’t a “takeout machine.” I almost fell out of my chair. I told him I didn’t have to take home the appetizers; he could have them. He insisted that I take them home and enjoy them.
Now it was awkward. I told him if he was annoyed with me, I could take an Uber home. He said he was a gentleman and a mentsch and would drive me home. I thanked him, and although it shouldn’t have felt like it, I walked the walk of shame out of the restaurant holding the bag of food. He didn’t even offer to hold it!
Needless to say, the drive home was awkward. He said he wouldn’t have minded if I wanted leftovers; all I had to do was ask, not sneak it. Now I felt embarrassed—but how was I supposed to know he would’ve let me take home what we didn’t eat? We both stayed quiet for most of the ride.
When I got home, I unpacked the food into the fridge and changed into pajamas, and that’s when my friend called. She told me that he had called her husband and said he felt like I was using him for a free meal and it was one of the rudest dates he had ever been on. I started to defend my actions but then asked her why she set me up with him if she could see how different we were. She told me to stop changing the topic and justifying my actions. I apologized because that was the only way to end the conversation on a good note with my friend.
I even offered to date him again and we could go on a free date so he doesn’t think I’m a “user.” But she said he didn’t want to go out again.
I know people do what I did. I have done it a few times myself - though not at such an expensive restaurant – and no date has ever had an issue. I’ve even gone out with some a second time after I’ve done it.
Between my friend and what the guy said, I feel bad, but I don’t think I really did anything bad. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t lie about anything I told him.
Cheryl
I’m going to thank you for your email, Cheryl—but not for reasons you may think. I’m going to make this a learning moment for you and all who do what you did.
You asked for my opinion, and I’m going to give it. Take it or leave it.
What I think you did—and what others who have done similarly—was wrong. You ended your email with, “I don’t think I really did anything bad. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t lie about anything I told him.” You didn’t lie, but you stole. You stole the time of this man you were not interested in, and you stole his money by purposefully ordering something you knew you would never be able to finish so you could take it home and use it for dinner the next night.
Did you think you deserved the food because your friend mismatched you with this fellow (that I will refer to as Max) on purpose? Was this a good way to get even? Because Max was set up with you as well. He went into this date as blind as you did. What if he wanted to get something out of the date to make restitution for what he may have thought of as a horrible date? I’m not thinking of him doing anything physical, but what if he wanted to get something out of this date just like you?
Let me ask: Did you really give Max a fair chance? The fact that you mostly referred to your date as “he” or “him,” and not once gave him a name—even a fake one—makes me wonder if you really saw him as a person. Right away, you mentioned his monotone voice and how vanilla he seemed, which seems to have cemented the issue of Max not being the one for you. (I think your ice cream flavor would be Rocky Road.)
Voices aren’t everything. Did you listen to what he was saying with his monotone voice? You alluded to speaking about several topics in the beginning, but were any of them exciting—like, “What was the craziest thing you’ve ever been dared to do?” or “Did you do anything that got you in deep trouble at school or with your parents while growing up?” Those topics can be fun to speak about, and maybe Max’s tone would have changed—literally.
When someone is speaking about something exciting or what they’re passionate about, it’ll come across. If you had regular discussions about your jobs, vacation plans, hobbies... then maybe Max wasn’t enthusiastic about those topics. Both parties on a date are equally responsible for carrying the conversation. From what you wrote, you seemed to be turned off early into the date. But why do you keep focusing on his voice?
Of course, Max will say, “Order whatever you want.” Any fellow on a date would say that to the woman they take out to dinner. But I think he meant, “Order whatever you want that you will eat and finish here in the restaurant with me.”
I believe that Max didn’t think he needed to finish the sentence. And the fact that you tried to justify not being able to finish a piece of meat that some men may have difficulty finishing off by the fact that he ordered too many appetizers? No, no. If I were Max, I would’ve asked, “Who told you to eat so many if you knew your entrée was big enough to feed a T-rex?” You can’t deflect that.
You have no right to refer to him as brazen after what you did—plus, you don’t know Max well enough, never gave him a chance, so you don’t know what his personality is really like to begin with. But you gave him an eye-opening look at what type of person you’re like—even if it’s the wrong impression. Your actions dictated what Max thought of you. If you don’t want to be seen as a rude user, then don’t act like one.
I read your email a few times, and each time I tried to do so with one question in my mind: “Does Cheryl have any remorse? Does she feel bad?” Well, you wrote about your walk of shame—which I don’t think it was—unless you felt shameful after Max told you he was onto your scheming.
I read all the emotions you felt—awkward, annoyed, angry, embarrassed—and then you wrote that you apologized to your friend because it was the only way to end the conversation staying in your friend’s good graces. That is shameful!
Your friend was right to be annoyed with you. And you tried to justify your actions by asking why she set you up with Max? Not cool. You’re a grown woman. Act like it. Take some blame and responsibility.
I didn’t sense any real remorse or apology in the words you chose. You went about your business when you were dropped off (if it were me, I’d have let you order the Uber, not to feel judged and shameful on the way home, because that’s how I would’ve felt if I had done what you did) and seemed shocked by your friend’s call. Why?
Just the fact that you sat down and sent me the email shows you’re rethinking your actions. If you’re rethinking them, ask yourself why. Maybe because you know it was wrong.
It just blew me away when you offered to go out with him again on a “free date.” What? Like a walk in the park? Like you’re a prize to be won and he should thank his lucky stars you were willing to date him again?
I’m not even going to address how you asked the busboy to wrap up your food. Did you hint or allude to Max in any way that you were full before you took it upon yourself to tell the busboy you were taking the food to go? If not, then maybe you made it very obvious what your intentions were in the first place.
I don’t care if thousands of others do what you did. It’s wrong. It’s stealing. You also robbed Max of a decent evening. We’ve all been mismatched. I’ve been mismatched more times than I can count, and not once did I try to get something out of the evening. Just because I’m mismatched with someone doesn’t mean I get to take advantage of them or the situation. “I know people do what I did” is not a good defense or justification.
Do I have to be your mother and ask, “If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?” Again, I ask, what if Max wanted to get something out of the date because of how you acted?
Cheryl, you asked, so I’m saying: Don’t do it again.
If it were me, I would call your friend and offer a sincere apology to her and to Max. Max may not want to speak with you, and that’s fine. She can relay the message. Did you think of how your actions may have affected the friendship of Max and your friend’s husband? Max may be furious with your friend (and by association her husband) that she set him up with someone who mooched dinner off him for two evenings and didn’t even try to get to know him—and when confronted, never apologized.
Time to grow up and act like the mature adult you think you are. Learn from Max, who acted like a mentsch the entire evening, even insisting on driving you home. It’s not “poor Cheryl.” Thousands of singles are set up on bad dates. They call a friend at the end of the night or early the next day, laugh or cry over it, and put it in the rearview mirror. Move forward to find Mr. Right—but not before you mature and learn the difference between right and wrong.
Like I said, you asked for my opinion. Now that it’s given, take it or leave it.
(By the way, I consulted a few people about your email before I published my response—and they thought I was being too easy on you.)
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..