We all know the feeling of being involved in an argument and having the greatest one-liner, a real zinger. But instead of having your mic-drop moment where you can leave knowing you had indeed won the argument or proven your point, you say nothing. The comment would be 100% truthful, but would hit below the belt. You would be the victor, but at what price? Making someone feel bad or embarrassing them? Is it worth the pain that the other person may feel so you can have your mic-drop moment? Think about it. Life goes on, and this moment will be a blip—or less than a blip—on your radar in a year or two. But the other party may feel the aftershocks of what is now a distant memory for you in the years to come.
What to do?
The writer of the email has a similar problem. But should he say something? It may end up hurting someone else later on, but yet, he’d be helped by it now. Like Ursula the Sea Witch in The Little Mermaid said, “Life’s full of tough decisions, isn’t it?”
Dear Goldy,
I broke my engagement a few weeks ago. All I’ll say is that I realized she wasn’t the girl for me. She was not my bashert. It was such a relief once I broke things off. Before that, I was smiling and saying all the right things because that was what was expected of me. I feel so much better now.
I’m not giving any details of who I am or who my former kallah is and who our families are; I will provide a small detail here. Once we were engaged, I saw the girl’s true nature. I know you’ll correct me, tell me to call her a “young woman” or “lady,” but in this case I will argue that she is a girl. I saw a quick temper, along with tantrums that followed when she didn’t get her way. I didn’t like the way she communicated and acted around her family—from what I was able to see. But she was the “perfect kallah-to-be” when she was in public and around my family. I didn’t fully understand at the l’chaim when the girl’s brother said something to me to the effect of, “You don’t know what you’re getting” or “Be prepared for what you’re getting.” I forgot the exact words, but it wasn’t said in a joking, loving way like a brother would normally say.
Long story short, once I saw that this was typical behavior of the girl, I knew what had to be done. I spoke with my parents and rav. The engagement was broken a couple of days later. Yes, there were tears—hers, not mine. I did it as respectfully and kind as I was able to make it. I knew I could not be persuaded to change my mind, although she tried. I don’t want to be saddled with a spoiled brat who’ll get angry and throw a tantrum every time she doesn’t get what she wants or is faced with an obstacle in life. I’m prepared for children to act like that, but if I don’t have a partner who is a mature adult and able to reason things out and resorts to this behavior every time, then I’ll just be the “mean parent.” I can’t and won’t do that to myself. I deserve more—anyone deserves more than that.
Here I am, getting back into the shidduch scene slowly, and of course the broken engagement comes up often with shadchanim—even with nosy people in shul and in my neighborhood. I’m open with everyone about the engagement, but people are pushing me to give them details. They want it for lashon hara reasons, not in order to help me. One shadchan even went so far as to say, “It’ll help me redd you better if I knew and was able to tell girls and their mothers that the broken engagement was 100% not any fault of yours.” I don’t even know what that means—even to say that “I was madly in love and she broke the engagement and I have no idea why,” would make me look like an idiot, and that’s not the truth. All I say is what I wrote at the beginning of my letter: “We weren’t bashert and it’s better this way. IYH we will both find our basherts.” I’m taking the high road. But people still try to find out the real reason; they speak with my parents, siblings… but we’re not saying the real reason because eventually I do want the girl to date someone who will love her as is (if she doesn’t mature) and marry her.
I heard from a friend that the girl is telling anyone that’ll listen that I wanted her to change her behavior and wanted to “mold her” into the perfect wife, and I couldn’t accept someone who behaved in a way that I didn’t approve of. I couldn’t believe this. When I broke things off, I thought she deserved to know why and told her that I could not put up with her tantrums and childish behavior, although she did not act like that with me yet, I was sure it was going to come after the wedding from what I witnessed when we were around her family. I never told her to change. I just said I couldn’t marry her for the way she is now. I wanted to cut ties with her and I did. I would love to provide people with the real reason I called off the engagement and even give an example or two; but in the long run it can only hurt the girl, plus it won’t make me look good. People may think I’m lying to save my own reputation as the one who broke off the engagement. But I’d like everyone to keep their mouths shut. I know I’m doing the right thing, but in the meantime, she’s exaggerating the truth and making herself look good in the process of ruining my reputation. I want to hear what you have to say about this. I won’t start bad-mouthing her—but I want to say the truth!
Got Out Before It Was Too Late
Thank you for your email, Got Out (I’ll refer to you as GO).
You asked for my honest opinion: No good deed goes unpunished. Like you said, you took the high road and your statement is true enough, but here you’re finding out she’s basically telling people that you tried to “mold her,” to force her to change her personality and behavior… not cool at all.
If you did tell people the truth and provided an example or two like, “and then she threw a glass of soda at her mother,” or “held her breath until she literally turned blue,” what would you really be accomplishing? Yes, you’d be telling the truth, but now we are getting into a “She Said, He Said” issue, and no one comes out smelling like a rose in those.
Your letter made me think of the country song, “Truth About You,” by Mitchell Tenpenny. The chorus: “Yeah, there’s two sides to every breakup / One’s a lie and one’s the truth / One of ‘em went down and one was made up / But in
Your letter made me think of the country song, “Truth About You,” by Mitchell Tenpenny. The chorus: “Yeah, there’s two sides to every breakup / One’s a lie and one’s the truth / One of ’em went down and one was made up / But in the end we both lose / Why can’t we meet in the middle / Call it even, call a truce / If you quit telling lies about me / I won’t tell the truth about you (truth about you).”
For those that you feel are being nosy and really just want the gossip of what happened, ask them for a deep, private, embarrassing secret from their life that no one, not even their spouse, knows, and once they tell you theirs, you’ll tell them yours. I can almost guarantee that no one will take you up on that offer. I don’t have any problem telling people, “It’s really none of your business and just pure loshon hora.” I find that a statement like that usually turns the inquiring minds off because you called them what they were to their face—gossipers.
Now, what to do with this “girl.” I’ll allow you to call her a girl, if you insist that is what she is and how she acted. I once had a co-worker who had a broken engagement. I too asked, “What happened?” But at least I added, “I just want to know because I’m nosy,” which she laughed at. I didn’t fake sympathy or anything else. She told me that she and her ex-choson signed a document like an NDA. Neither was allowed to speak about the breakup, ever. She can’t say anything good or bad about him or their time together or what caused the engagement to break. She said the document was drawn up so both can go forward and find their basherts because the document included the same clause for him speaking about her. She said it was legal and for the benefit of her and the fellow.
For whatever reason, relationships end whether between choson and kallah, husband and wife, or between roommates. Everyone knows that there is Side A and Side B in an argument and the truth lies somewhere in between; there is a definitive wronged one in the situation. For argument’s sake, I will say that if this girl pretended to be mature while dating and only showed her true personality after you were engaged, I’ll call you the wronged one, the victim. She may view herself as the wronged one because you broke the engagement (once she revealed her true personality). Maybe having such a document as my co-worker isn’t such a bad idea. Maybe you should look into a document with such an agreement. But at this point, with the time that has passed, there is no reason for her to sign such a document. My co-worker was asked to sign on the day they broke up.
GO, you can walk with your head held high knowing you are doing the right thing. People may not think that’s something to be proud of, but I do. You have to look at yourself at the end of each day and ask yourself if you acted in a decent and kind way to all you encountered. As long as you can answer “yes,” you should know in your heart that’s enough. The world we live in thrives on gossip, the juicier the better. I can’t tell you that what she is saying won’t cost you a date or two, or worse, but knowing you’re doing the right thing will help you in the long run. And when you do meet your bashert and if she has heard the rumor, she will see for herself how untrue it is.
Hope this helped and this is what you wanted to hear/see.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..