Dear Goldy,
I’m dating someone that I hope, by the time this letter is published (if you publish it), will be my chasan. The only thing I’m worried about is that people, namely my friends, are telling me that once I’m married, I won’t be calling them so often or getting together like we usually do. I’ll be too busy being a newlywed, and it’s normal to get swept up in things during the first few months, or six months. They say they’ll be lucky if I remember their names, and what usually happens is that I’ll get to know and grow close with my chasan’s friends’ wives. Nothing is wrong with that. I can add to my friend group or have two separate friend groups. I have friends from school, from work, some I met within the last couple of years…
My friends make it sound like I’m living in a dreamland and there won’t be enough time for my new life and my “old friends.” I know what they’re talking about. So many friends have gotten married, and for a time, I lost touch with them. Eventually, we reconnected. Was everything the same? It depends on the person and how the relationship was before. I’m not equal friends with everyone. I can’t say that everything went back to what it was because their lives drastically changed. Some friendships stayed the same, and some are more strained or not as strong as they were before. I’ve met only a couple of my boyfriend’s friends and their wives. Everyone seems nice and fun. I look forward to spending time with them, but not at the cost of losing my own friends. Why can’t my husband and I get together with my friends and their husbands? Why is it one-sided and assumed that the wife has to lose touch with her friends?
Shayna
Thank you for your letter, Shayna.
Maybe I should be wishing you mazal tov. I don’t know what happened since I sent you my initial response and a few weeks have passed, since I am always a few weeks ahead of schedule with publishing letters and responses.
I understand what your friends are saying, and you can understand it as well. We’ve all been the single friend who loses touch with a married friend during shana rishonah. Depending on how much one or both want the friendship to continue will be the deciding factor as to whether a few weeks or months of separation will make a difference in the friendship. I too have heard that “the wife has to become friends with the wives of her husband’s friends.” But like you said, no one said you need to give up your friends or your life.
The first few months of married life are very busy. Merging two lives into one household. Adjusting from taking care of one to two. Becoming a “we” instead of a “me.” Added to that are work or school, errands, responsibilities—and what about just wanting to spend time one-on-one with your new spouse? So yes, friendships can get lost in the fray. You don’t have to speak with your friends every day or every few days to keep in touch. You can send texts, voice notes, and messages. How often are you able to see your friends now while you’ve been single? Are your friends married or single? A lot of factors come into play here. But it’s up to you if you want friendships to continue. In the beginning, I’m sure you’ll want to spend all of your available time with your husband, but when you have a few minutes—when you’re in the car or shopping—call a friend.
I remember when a friend of mine became a kallah over two decades ago. I thought we were good friends. After her wedding, I didn’t call or text for about six weeks. I wanted to give her time to settle into her new life. But then I started to call and leave a voicemail or send a text. It took some time, but I soon realized that it had been months since I had spoken with this friend, and I missed her friendship—but she didn’t respond to one text or call. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and once every couple of weeks I’d call or text that I was “checking in.”
We ran into each other at other simchos, but she was always huddled with some other girl at a wedding or vort, and the conversations always looked “serious.” I’m not saying we didn’t speak at those simchos. We did. The conversations were shorter than I wanted, and we didn’t really discuss anything of real substance, but at least we were talking. It finally got to the point where I stopped calling and texting her because none of my efforts were being reciprocated. I wasn’t even getting a response like, “Sorry, I’m busy. I’ll call you later.” It was sad, but I knew if this friend still wanted to be friends with me, she would make some time for me—five minutes here or there. I took her very loud hint and didn’t contact her again.
Funny thing is, about four years ago, we were both at the wedding of a classmate’s child. We were seated at the same table. It was mixed seating, so our husbands were with us. Our husbands started talking and had a great night together. My “friend” and I exchanged pleasantries, asked about each other’s children, and then sat not talking to each other. I was not about to start talking to her now after she made it clear years earlier that she didn’t want to talk to me. I also knew we wouldn’t continue our conversation from that night in the future and pick up our friendship. We weren’t clicking anymore. Time passed, we both changed.
I don’t like pretending. We were never going to speak again, so why pretend to be curious about each other’s lives now? And yes, I can be that petty. I didn’t ignore her, but it did hurt seeing her sitting there, knowing she was fine not communicating with me for over fifteen years. I’m not saying she cut me out of her life; I think it just happened. She got married, got busy, and here we are fifteen years later.
Shayna, if you want to keep your friends, you can. You can have different groups of friends. You may not have as much free time, but stay in touch with them however you feel is the right way. Get to know your husband’s friends and their wives, but it doesn’t have to replace your friendships. Yes, your husband can get to know your friends and their husbands. Husbands get along with everyone. They can talk about anything and make it work.
When I got married, I made it a point to keep in touch with my friends—lots of group chats in the first few months. To this day, we are all married women on the same group chat. We try to get together once every six months—not a joke—but we’re all busy. We put the effort in. If you want it badly enough, your friendships will remain. Just put in the effort.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..