Dear Goldy,
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want you to think I’m a monster, or not kind or not understanding... or any of those things. And because of that, I haven’t discussed this with anyone. Maybe you can help.
I’m going to be very honest because I need to be (and this letter is anonymous, so no one will know it’s me). I’ve been going out with a girl. I like her. I could see this relationship going somewhere if given the chance. But here is where I get lost. She has an older brother who has cognitive delays. He is on the Autism Spectrum, but I think he’s high functioning. He does whatever his thing/routine is at home, he speaks, can dress and feed himself, and even holds a little job out of the house. Looking at him, you’d never think he was on the Spectrum; he doesn’t have “that” look, if you know what I mean.
I met him accidentally when I was picking up his sister for a date. As we were leaving her house, he walked out of the kitchen and said, “Hi.” My date, I’ll call her Malky, introduced me to her brother, explained that we were going out for a few hours, and wished him a good night. He smiled, said hi, shook my hand, hugged Malky, and wished us a good time.
When the shidduch was redt, I was told Malky had a brother who is Autistic, but “talks, dresses himself, and has a job.” Nothing was hidden by the shadchan. On one of the dates, Malky spoke about her brother, saying how much she loved him and how lucky she and her family were that he was always happy, not behavioral and moody like others can be. It’s very different from knowing about her brother and now meeting him. Not that he wasn’t real before, but meeting him makes him very real and not just some person I’ve heard about...
I never worked at HASC or volunteered to work with children or adults with terminal illnesses, cognitive and behavioral disabilities—or should I say Special Needs. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but I just wanted to go to camp or hang with friends. I’ve had friends that have volunteered for HASC and other organizations (HASC is the only one that comes to mind now because it’s very popular). I’ve heard it takes a special person to work in HASC and that it’s not uncommon for people who have worked at HASC to marry each other. I’m not special or unspecial. I don’t have experience spending time around people with special needs. No one in my family or extended family is Special Needs. I didn’t even like visiting my grandfather when he was in the nursing home because I felt very uncomfortable there with the other residents. I remember walking into my grandfather’s room and closing the door so I didn’t have to see or hear anyone else. I spent time with my grandfather who I never considered to be “one of them.” I know it sounds horrible to even put it like that, but I’m being honest.
Malky’s brother was nice and normal. I was surprised that he shook my hand, but why should I be surprised? I was told he’s high functioning and able to be around others... I was also surprised when he hugged Malky, but that was more surprising because in the frum community you don’t usually see siblings, or adults of the opposite sex, hugging. He looked sweet and innocent and yes, normal. But I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t know how to act or what to do or what not to say when placed in this type of situation.
It’s not even a situation! I know I’m making too much out of it. It was a ten-second interaction. Everything went fine. Malky even mentioned that Dovid, her brother, doesn’t usually speak around people he doesn’t know, so the fact that he wished us a good night was amazing and probably due to the fact that he was in his own home and she was there. I guess so. I just don’t know what to make of the situation.
I have questions and doubts. None about Malky, but about her brother. I know that more children have autism today than twenty or thirty years ago. I listen to the news. I also know that if a child has any type of special needs, the gene is in the family so there is a chance that if we marry, my child may have Autism. I know I won’t be spending a lot of time around her brother, but if we continue dating, or maybe get married—Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, simchas, family events, maybe trips. I am ashamed to say that being around a person with special needs makes me uncomfortable. But I like Malky. Up until meeting her brother, everything was great. I’m not saying that her brother may make me stop seeing Malky, but it certainly weighs into the situation. Meeting him makes it real.
That’s it. Don’t think badly of me because I am writing the truth and need help sorting this all out. I need to be truthful if I am going to figure this out.
Anonymous
Goldy’s Response
Thank you for your very honest letter. Usually, I name the writer Annie if the letter is written by a female, but in your case, I’ll call you Ari.
You are not a monster for thinking these thoughts and writing the letter. You are honest and looking for help dealing with confusing feelings. What you are feeling—all the mixed emotions—can’t be taught in school. You don’t know how you will act or react to being with or meeting a person with special needs until you are with them.
I’ll try to address all you wrote about, but I’m limited in space. Firstly, Malky’s brother’s name is Dovid. Say it. You only used his name a few times in your letter; you mostly wrote “her brother.” Using his name will help you see him as a real person. The fact that you were told about Dovid right from the start is great. The family isn’t trying to hide him or think he’ll be a liability when Malky (and other siblings) are trying to find a shidduch. That tells me a lot about the family to begin with because I’ve heard of families that don’t hide, but don’t advertise the fact if there is a special needs family member. It may even be said, “He/she doesn’t live at home, so isn’t even in the picture...” I can’t begin to tell you how many ways that is wrong.
Secondly, I want to ask you: What did you expect when you heard about Dovid from the start? Just like people who are redt to those that live “out of town” and know there’s a possibility of having to move away from home and family if the shidduch works out, did you give any thought to what would happen if you end up marrying Malky? You would have to see and spend time around Dovid. Okay, maybe that wasn’t high on your thought list at the beginning, but now it is. And it’s ok not to know how to feel if you’ve never had the experience of meeting and spending time with someone who was diagnosed with a Spectrum Disorder or any cognitive or physical impairment. You may be apprehensive for a number of reasons, including trying not to say the wrong thing, but relax. The more tense you are the more likely you are to overcompensate and then make a faux pas that may embarrass you or someone else unintentionally. But one thing I will warn you not to say: “He looks normal.” What is someone on the Spectrum supposed to look like? Don’t you think the family has thought that over the years too? It’s hurtful and insulting to hear.
I never worked for HASC or Camp Simcha or any other organization because I felt uncomfortable doing so. I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle it all emotionally or mentally. I too hear when people say those who work with special needs people are very special themselves. Then life forced me to look at everything I was afraid of when I was assigned to my second-year internship: Geriatric Oncology. As one nurse told me, “Our patients get discharged to hospice or to G-d.” I walked in one day and was told that three of the patients that I was working with had died overnight. I couldn’t find a way out of that internship, but I think it ended up helping me learn how to deal with situations that happened to me later in life.
I had my shidduch list and half of what my life is now was not included on my list or even a blip in my mind decades ago. For those that know me, they know exactly what I’m referring to. But life isn’t as we expect it. Sometimes horrible, unexpected things happen to us or those we love and we must adjust ourselves to live and continue with the change included in our lives. You may not be related or have encountered anyone with a disability, but now you’ve met someone. It would be unrealistic to think you’d go your whole life without meeting someone touched by a disability or illness.
Talk with Malky about how you feel—not that you think those with Special Needs are scary in any way—but that you haven’t had any in your life. Ask her what it was like to grow up with Dovid as an older brother. I’m sure there were times when she wished her brother didn’t have the Spectrum Diagnosis and could be “normal,” but that wasn’t the life she was given. Just like those that worked in HASC or Camp Simcha or any other organization, you will find these families to be very special. They are very patient, very sensitive to others, go over and beyond to include all and to help everyone, always look at the bright side and thank Hashem for what they have because even if you think “OMG it’s horrible.” Unfortunately, it can always be worse. Malky said Dovid is happy and is able to accomplish daily tasks and is able to work at a job (not a “little job.” It’s a job he and his family are proud of.) Look at how amazed Malky was that Dovid spoke with you, a new person present. While your upbringing may be very different from the way Malky grew up, it’s not for the worse for either of you. If anything, it shaped Malky into the person she is today. I don’t envy Malky’s parents for all they have experienced with Dovid, advocating for him in school and life, teaching him and being patient with him, maybe not even being able to take a rest or vacation for lack of help (there was a letter from a parent of a Special Needs child in the QJL weeks ago. They go through a lot). It has shaped these people into the type of parents they are. Being a parent is the hardest job around, can you imagine how much harder it is for a parent of a Special Needs person?
Ari, I hate to say this, but even if you’ve been “lucky” not to be related to anyone with a disability, you can still have a child born with one. Yes, studies are showing that more children today have a Spectrum diagnosis than decades ago and for some reason it’s more prevalent in boys than girls, but illness or disability can affect everyone. Don’t think you can escape it. “There but for the grace of G-d go I.”
Look at me. I feel like I’m on a soap box. I’ll step down now. Let me sum up by saying: Your feelings are normal and the only way you will know if you are able to handle being around Dovid or others like him is by spending time with him (or others). You may just see them and not their diagnosis. Some ignorant people just see a diagnosis and don’t bother to get to know the person, which would be their loss.
I’m sure Malky is used to questions about Dovid. Think about Malky, just your feelings for her. Yes, Dovid is part of the package, but it’s how you view the whole package that will come into play. You haven’t formed an opinion yet one way or the other from what I gleaned from your letter. Maybe this is a good time to learn more to form an opinion. But always keep in mind, you can’t blame or hold someone at fault for being related to someone with Special Needs and if it counts against them then you are the person that needs to go, not them.
Malky’s family has probably been through it all and are that much stronger and have more bitachon in Hashem than others that weren’t tested.
Hope this helps you (and others).
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..