Dear Goldy,
I’m a big fan of yours. I love reading your articles, and sometimes we discuss them around the Shabbos table. My family laughs or they are shocked at what people write in about their dating lives. I (and others) like how you answer the questions as a friend would answer a friend. You say it straight. You’re never harsh, but you are blunt—and I think that’s what makes you different from others who are preaching and teaching about the shidduch parshah, what’s happening in and to this generation, and why “there are so many more older singles now than there were decades ago.” When speaking about shidduchim, I like real advice and real experiences—not “It says in Mesechta Tet Vav...” or “When Avraham was trying to marry off Yitzchok...”
So what’s the point of my letter? I’m not here just to compliment you, but to ask if anything has changed in the last decade or more. There are still older singles. People refuse shidduchim or don’t continue seeing someone for the most ridiculous reasons. Some shadchanim are still so hard to deal with or get in touch with... Basically, everything that you have argued against has stayed the same. No change. I see it with my single friends who are trying to find their zivug, with my one single sibling, with friends’ children in the parshah... Every week you publish a letter—someone asking for advice and your response—or you’ll publish your thoughts about a specific topic that you find silly and how you feel it relates (or doesn’t relate) to shidduchim and the big picture of marriage, partnership, and love. But no matter what you write, I don’t see our frum society changing.
In no way am I saying you should stop writing. Quite the opposite—I think more papers should pick up your column. What I’m saying is: Don’t you get frustrated trying to fight against a machine that’s too big, knowing that in the end, you aren’t changing the way the majority of people feel, act, or do in terms of shidduchim? Again, my family, friends, and I love your column. But we haven’t seen any difference in how shidduchim in general are dealt with.
Chaya Friedberg
Thank you for your letter and kind words, Chaya.
Your letter isn’t wrong, and you aren’t the first to say or write this to me. As I always write, I’m not here to preach and tell people how wrong they are. I’m here to give my opinion on the topic of shidduchim and answer people’s questions as best I can—from my past dating experiences, my education, background, and sechel. Yes, there are some parts of the shidduch parshah and those in it that I don’t like. And yes, I write about it. And yes, I’m just one person. But I’m not alone.
Chaya, I don’t know how old you are, how technologically savvy you are, or if you use social media... I know nothing about you except that you enjoy reading my column and you feel as though nothing has changed in shidduchim in the last decade or so—basically that I’m fighting a winless fight, so to speak. But there are so many “influencers” (I hate that word; I’ll just say “people”). There are many people on social media who feel the same and are trying to help singles. Just one example: I follow Tzipora Grodko on Instagram. She’s a psychotherapist and LMSW. She also hosts a podcast, and she is trying to help singles in so many ways. She’s doing what she can. Many times, she’ll post or record on her podcast stories of how shidduchim have happened that seemed totally out of left field, but everyone found each other. We should all give each other a chance, have bitachon in Hashem... She herself is single, but doesn’t let that define her. She has over 34,000 followers. She does so much, and she too knows what’s out there, how the frum world is, and she is trying to help those who feel they need help, that they are alone... There are so many of us trying to help those in need and change the status quo about shidduchim.
If you look a little, you’ll find others like Tzipora and myself, but it is an uphill battle. It’s so hard to make change happen. Even if our next generation depends on changing how we are doing things—because the “old way” does not work for many living in today’s world. There are podcasters, people on Instagram, webinars, seminars... that speak and try to accomplish what we all want: get singles married and change the norm. But like everything worthwhile, it takes time.
Every movement or rebellion starts with just one person. (And in no way am I referring to BLM or current events or movements you would see on the news today. I am not comparing anything about the shidduch world to what is happening politically in our country in recent months.) The psychology behind mob mentality, as my friend Google defines it, is: how people can be influenced by a larger group, leading them to adopt behaviors or beliefs they might not typically endorse individually. Here, the “mob” is frum society in general. Many go about shidduchim and dating the same way. When I “threw out my shidduch list” and married someone who did not check one box on my list, I was written about in papers and emailed by many praising me. Why were they praising me? Because I looked at the man, not my list. To me, that was ridiculous. I didn’t discover the atom. But it seemed that this was revolutionary—that no one had thought of it before. If I am the only person speaking about how wrong I feel some things are and how things should change, maybe others will hear and voice their opinions that they have been too fearful to voice in the past. “What do you mean you didn’t check into the boy your daughter/son was redt to? How else can you know if it’s a right shidduch? Speak with their high school principal, their rabbi, the manager of the pizza store they eat at...” People thought it was crazy that I (and my parents) never did a deep dive or “went down the rabbit hole,” researching who I was redt to. And I know that’s why I went out with so many men who weren’t shidduch for me and why I have all these crazy experiences. I have friends whose parents took weeks investigating someone she was redt to. Most of the time the shidduch was nixed by her parents because of something they found out from one of the many sources they spoke with. Am I saying her parents were wrong or right? No. But what I am trying to say is: Would it be so bad to go out once, even for a couple of hours, to see if the two actually like each other and can get along—without having someone speak lashon harah about them that may or may not be true? And that is what it boils down to: lashon harah.
I don’t feel like a failure at all. I know I’m not alone. We all do what we can do. I’m proud to say that I am trying to do something. How many people do we know who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk? They will agree and argue about an issue, but when it comes time to acting and doing something, “I’m busy that night.” I have always spoken my mind, even when it wasn’t the popular opinion. And I know firsthand what it’s like being in the parshah for a decade! Many emails I read are from parents and singles who thank me for bringing a topic into the light that they have felt taboo to speak about or that they are going through and thought they were alone. I don’t give answers, but with my opinion, I like to think that I give a voice and shine a light on what people don’t want to talk about or are embarrassed to. Again, it could be mob mentality and no one wants to be the first to stand up and say how crazy things are and that change is needed, or it could be that people have to see and hear from those going through it how they feel. It could be a number of things. But I’ve been encouraged by many to continue writing and speaking. If I have helped one person in the last decade, then I am not a failure. And I will never feel like one. I don’t let others dictate my feelings.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..