Dear Goldy,
I don’t want to come off sounding conceited or snobby, but I will no matter how I word my letter. B”H I come from a well-off family. Yes, I have a PhD.
When my sister got married, I heard one or two people say that it was more like a business merger than a shidduch marriage. Which isn’t true. My sister and brother-in-law knew each other from when they were teens and went to the same sleepaway camp together. They started dating on their own. I can see how people would think that it was a “merger,” because my brother-in-law’s family is as successful or more successful than my own. I hate the term, because it makes it sound like it was arranged and love wasn’t involved... At the end of the day, I can understand why people thought what they did. But my family business has nothing to do with my brother-in-law’s family business. No business ties at all. Our families deal with business on different ends of the business spectrum.
I have never met anyone at camp. I’m relying on shadchanim and friends to help me find a shidduch. Yes, I have visited one of those ritzy-titzy shadchanim you’ve written about, but I have also visited regular shadchanim who work with singles in any financial bracket. The issue I’m having with both is that I always feel like they emphasize my parents’ financial status—it’s theirs, but I’m lucky enough to benefit from it. I’m not someone that sits around spending money. I’m working and in June will have my MBA. I’m looking for a guy who works. And no, my father isn’t going to take his new son-in-law and give him an executive suite and a six-figure salary. Yes, as I mentioned, I have benefitted from my father’s business—but my family doesn’t believe in giving someone a free ride.
I’m 27 and the last several guys I went out with were more impressed with my financial yichus than me. I was always told it’s tacky to speak about money, so I don’t. But somehow, someway, finances always pop up in conversation. No one has said outright how rich of a family I come from or that I don’t have to work if I don’t want to... but little side comments about cars, vacations... It makes me uncomfortable. Once money becomes the topic, I always say, “My father can go bankrupt tomorrow, but you’ll be stuck with me. Will I look as good with different kinds of zeros in my bank account?” I say it straight. One guy started nonchalantly talking about my brother-in-law and his family business. I got the feeling he wanted information on my brother-in-law, or to find out how to get in touch with him, or if I can mention his name to him...
I don’t go out dressed to the nines when I go out. But I don’t wear shmatas. I don’t wear a lot of jewelry. Can I help it if the guy notices the fabrics and style of things? It sounds crazy to even say, but I try to dress down, but still look good on dates, so that guys don’t think I’m living off my parents. Me having a job and getting my Master’s degree should be proof enough. The “references” I have on my resume are a married friend, a frum co-worker, and a Rebbetzin I’m close with, and none of these people would ever bring up finances. Why can’t guys just see me and not what could be in their future?
Not a JAP
Thank you for your letter, NJ.
I published your letter for two reasons. The first is to try and help you. The second is so others can see that “even the rich have (shidduch) issues.” How many times have I heard, “If I only had money, my life would be easier...” or something like that? Plenty. Yes, your life would be different, but you’d have other issues, and NJ is having the issue of thinking that men are only interested in her because of her family. Rich, middle-class, and poor people have issues. No one’s life is a bed of roses. Problems are different, but we all deal with them, and here we see that a “one percenter” has the same problems that “the other 99%” have.
I have a friend and B”H her family is rich in mitzvos and in dollars. You would never know this if you looked at her house or the cars her parents and she drive or anything else about their everyday life. Their house hasn’t been remodeled/redecorated in thirty years. The outside of the house is very plain looking. It happens to be that neighbors on both sides of her family home are built up, one nicer than the next. You can almost say that her house is an eyesore. But the outside of her house, or inside for that matter, are not priorities for them. What is priority? I can’t tell you how much tzedakah they give, to institutions as well as individual families. They do so much good with the money they have. But how did I meet my friend? I met her at work. She was working in a job unrelated to the family business. At times people/clients would hear her last name and ask if she was related to her own family. She would brush it off and get to the root of what the clients were in need of. She too told me that she is finding it very hard for a shidduch because people outright say to her and her mother, “So you’re looking for a learning boy because you’ll support them...” She has to vet who she dates very carefully because even shadchanim see dollar signs in their eyes for the shadchanus. At one point a shadchan threatened her mother if she didn’t “pay up.” My friend’s mother called the shadchan’s bluff (I love her mother) because if she went through with what she was threatening to do, it would only make the shadchan look bad. Yes, there would be a bit of flurry about my friend’s family, but the flurry would die down.
Unfortunately, people are attracted to money, which isn’t always a bad thing. But to think marrying you (or my friend) is a path to Easy Street is wrong. The people that know you the best are the ones that may know someone who isn’t looking for a free ride. They would redt you to someone because of similarities in personalities... They would also know if someone was interested in you for your family name. They would not set you up with the type of “guys” you have been set up with. I don’t even think they would even mention your family business or delve into it when redting the shidduch. They would focus on you. Your family may come up in conversation for a minute, but again, you would be the focus of the conversation, telling him all about you.
Even if you get set up with someone who is more interested in your last name than your first, after a while they may slip and say or do something that’ll reveal their true motive for dating you. You’re working, studying for an MBA; I hope that means you have sechel besides brains. People think that because someone is book smart, they are street and people smart. Not true. There is a whole separate type of smarts that are needed to get by in life. Getting A’s and making the Dean’s List can’t help you when someone is trying to scam you.
I remember a “friend” of mine had gotten married. Her sister lives around the corner from my sister. One Shabbos (when I was single) my sister’s family and I were invited to her sister’s house for Shabbos lunch. My friend and her husband were there. The way the seating arrangement turned out had my brother-in-law sitting directly across from my friend’s husband. About halfway through the meal, the husband started talking to my brother-in-law about “business.” Before the conversation went anywhere, my brother-in-law told him that he wasn’t looking to hire anyone new. I thought that was blunt. A little hiccup in the meal. Afterwards my brother-in-law said that he “gets it all the time and you have to shut it down before the guy starts his shpiel.” He was right. And so are you when you shut down the conversation before it gets too far.
I don’t want people emailing me after Shabbos, but there is a day in the Hebrew calendar—I forgot which one—where single women traded dresses and went dancing in the field for the purpose of being chosen as a wife. The dresses were traded so the women who wore the better-quality dresses wouldn’t be picked first or instead of other girls wearing lesser-quality clothes and therefore not from such an affluent family. By trading dresses, men weren’t choosing a wife based on wealth. It seems to be based on looks, which can also be seen as wrong—but I am not here to discuss that. The Torah understands your plight, NJ.
I don’t have any words of wisdom except to stick with those that are close to you to vet the men and to use your sechel when on a date. Don’t rush into things, take it slow, really get to know the man... I’m sorry that you feel you aren’t being seen for yourself, just what someone can gain from marrying you (besides a wonderful Aishes Chayil).
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..