Dear Goldy,
I’m in my thirties and have been a guest at many friends’ weddings. Like you wrote, as friends got married, some moved on to married life and a few stayed in touch. But as time went on, I went on and made new friends who were single. It is what it is. I have three good friends: one is married and we’ve been best friends since high school, and the other two women I met in the last few years through mutual friends and at dating events. I’m friendly with a lot of people. I stay in touch with many girls from my past; it’s easy when you can copy and resend a text or post. But I can count on one hand the people I’d call if I were in trouble and needed help.
I don’t think anything is wrong with having just a few close friends and many “friends” or “acquaintances,” as you’ve referred to them a couple of times. I don’t need to be the center of attention or a macher. It would exhaust me to go everywhere, feel the need to talk to everyone, or talk to everyone in order to find out “what’s going on.” I go with my friends. If I don’t go someplace and miss out on a great time because “everyone was there,” I’m okay with it because my “everyone” are my close friends (who weren’t “there”).
This is the second time it was mentioned to me by someone I was dating. The first time was a couple of years ago when I really thought I would become his kallah and we were discussing friends and who we’d invite to the wedding... but that wasn’t meant to be. And now the current man I’m dating mentioned something that made me feel weird afterwards. We aren’t close to proposing, but when we were out on dates, we met a couple of his friends, who were also on dates. I guess we went to the typical dating places. We started talking about friends. He told me about the great bunch of guys he’s buddies with, how they’re mostly from yeshiva, but a few he’s picked up along the way. It sounded nice. He has friends he can rely on and have a good time with. But I asked him who he would call if he needed someone to bail him out of jail. I thought it was a fun conversation starter. He couldn’t decide on one. He kept going through all his friends: “I’d call Moishe because he’d have the bail money. No, I’ll call Yanky because he can keep a secret. No, Shloimy has known me the longest…”
It was nice listening to him rattle off the friends and the reasons he would call. Then he turned the question on me. I had no issue answering and told him it would be the friend I’ve had since high school. A nice and simple answer. He asked if she wasn’t home, who else would I call. I named both of my other friends. Then he asked who else—how many people does it take to bail one person out of jail? He made a face and then said, “That’s it? Those are all your friends?” Of course those weren’t all my friends, but they were my close circle of friends. I wouldn’t call an acquaintance to bail me out, so I joked that I’d probably end up calling one of my siblings and then beg them not to rat me out.
It may be all in my head, but I feel like he judged me because I didn’t have 12 different names to give him as good friends. I told him quality friendships counted more than quantity. I’d rather have these three friends who I can talk to about anything and not be embarrassed in front of rather than a bunch of girls who all know me, but no one who really knows me and gets me. Then he asked what I do with my friends, are we on a group chat, how often we see each other. Guys are different than girls. No, I don’t see my friends every Thursday night when we meet to play basketball and have chulent! Girls don’t do that. But then he asked how friends at my wedding would work. If I have a few good friends and then those I just know and am friendly with and some are there only because I must reciprocate an invitation, then will I have lots of “girls” at my wedding?
What type of question is that? We’re not even dating for four weeks and he’s asking about how many friends I’ll have at my wedding? Crazy. I told him it was a crazy thing to say. I will have friends: good friends, not-so-good friends, people I’m friendly with, and yes, those that received an invitation only because I needed to reciprocate the invite. They may not all know each other and be friends with one another, but everyone will get along. It’ll be leibedik. Right? I don’t know, but this whole conversation rubbed me the wrong way.
What do you think?
Hindy
Thank you for your letter, Hindy.
I agree—weird question to ask. But the answer lies within. You wrote that you want quality friendships over quantity of friendships. You can have one or two very close friends—those that know everything about you and you of them—and have normal friends who you get together with, have a good time with, and enjoy their company, but they wouldn’t be on your list of people to bail you out of jail (love that question!). Maybe men and women think of friendship differently. Maybe for a man, the more friends they have (or consider having) makes them feel more important, popular, needed... and for a woman, we’d rather have that special person to confide in rather than having to tell 10 different women the same story of what just happened because, “you won’t believe it!!” Or you could just group chat—whatever.
I’m like you. I have three really good friends. Two of them are good friends with each other and the other friend knows of these other girls, met them a time or two, but isn’t friends with them. And then I have a lot of acquaintances. I kept moving on as friends were getting hitched, as you mentioned you’ve been doing. I was worried about my own wedding and it was for years in advance because I was thinking of the friend problem. Yes, I’d have a lot of girls/women at my wedding, but only three would be pushing me into the center, or getting me a drink or trying to fan me... I imagined the other women dancing daintily in the outer circles or just standing back and watching the dancing pass them by. This was a real worry for me. I also worried about my wedding shower—I had three good friends. They didn’t necessarily know the others that I invited to my wedding. Yes, they had a list of girls, but it would be strangers milling about with strangers. This was something I’d cringe about. But both issues were easily solved for me and the issue is easily solvable for you—not even easily solvable because there is no issue to solve.
In a nutshell: My sister threw me my wedding shower and invited her friends in Baltimore. I had grown very close with her friends when my sister was sick, so it didn’t even feel like “my sister’s friends threw me a shower.” Plus, one of my good friends showed up! And three nights before my wedding my three good friends took me out for a bachelorette dinner. It was just the four of us and I had a great time. Looking back at my wedding video—there were many women there to celebrate me becoming a kallah. Old friends, acquaintances, good friends... they all blend in. Everyone gets excited at a wedding.
Let guys be part of a crowd. Let them feel like the party doesn’t start before they show up. Let them be swept up by others. They can think of a dozen close friends they have, but when it comes down to it, there’s that one friend who will come to mind right away when they need to be bailed out of jail. You and I may call people we don’t know so well “acquaintances,” while guys call them “friends.”
Hindy, you are perfectly normal and many others are just like you—as I was. All the girls held up arches as my husband and I ran under them. Many girls took part in the “schtick.” I was lifted on a table and I was surprised to see on the video who was doing the heavy lifting—girls I considered acquaintances. But it’s a simchah. Everyone makes the kallah (and chasan) feel special. I have no worries for you, Hindy. Your wedding will be jam-packed with all types of friends.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..