I’m in a tizzy—a little bit outraged, a little bit inclined to put my head in my hands and just rub my head. What’s the issue? I read something somewhere about shidduch dating, or dating in general, and it boggles my mind. It boggles my mind how such a question or statement can be asked or said out loud to another person and a real answer is expected. And I respect the response that was given. I definitely wouldn’t have answered that way, but the answer validated the question and didn’t make the person asking feel like an idiot, so all was saved at the end of the day.
It’s like the story of the woman who comes to the town Rav and asks the simplest of sh’alos. But the Rav doesn’t provide the answer in two seconds. He looks into sefer after sefer and then provides the woman with the answer. After the woman leaves, the Rav’s talmidim ask why he did that—why not answer and be done with it? The Rav answered—and this is where I think teachers get it from—that if he provided the answer in two seconds and didn’t have to think about it, the woman would have thought her question was silly or foolish and then might think twice about coming to the Rav again to ask another sha’lah—and that sha’lah might be a very important and complex one that needs to be answered. So, in order to spare her feelings and avoid any missteps in the future, the Rav took some time and made the woman feel good. I like that story. I do. But in this case, regarding what I’m talking about, it bothers me. It just does.
I’m not into shaming anyone or making anyone feel bad. Remember, there’s no such thing as a stupid question—or at least that was what I was taught. But sometimes, questions and statements shouldn’t leave your mouth. That’s when your internal filter asks your brain hundreds of questions in a nanosecond in order to judge if what you are about to say or ask will make you seem intelligent, dumb, silly, unaware, ignorant…and depending on the answers your brain provides, you’ll see if that question or statement is asked or said.
I’ve tried to leave this alone for almost two weeks. But I think about it every day. I just can’t believe this was asked. But then I said to myself, “For this person, this must be an important issue.” This issue matters. Why? I don’t know. It amounts to asking, “How can we be certain that the person I marry will or won’t ______?” Fill in the blank however you will, but with a question that you’d never think of while dating or even just living. It’s a very specific issue. This person not only asked the question but responded with what he or she would do in such a scenario and why. For me, it was too much.
My answer for this person, and any other person with such a question or even a real question that matters—not an “If aliens land and ask me to live among them, would I, and why?”—is, “have bitachon.” That’s all anyone can do in any type of situation. Have bitachon, be it in a friendship, job choice, or any decision that needs to be made. When my daughter was ready for daycare, I had to have bitachon that my husband and I chose the best daycare for her. We’re talking about something as important as who will be caring for our daughter eight hours a day and teaching her basic lessons. It’s not a decision to be made lightly. But for all questions regarding decisions to be made, all we can do is hope that we made the right one and have the bitachon that we did.
We may joke about dating at times, but when we date, we must make many decisions. These decisions affect our future. We must have bitachon that whatever we decide is the right thing to do, whether it’s continuing with a relationship or breaking up for whatever reason you think is important enough to make you call it quits. That’s not to say that just because you have bitachon, your decision is the right one and it’ll all work out. We hope it will. But it may not.
Date someone. Get to know them. Find out what’s important to you and what would make you think this person might be the right one for you. Spending time with someone, seeing them in different situations and places, and having meaningful conversations with them are excellent ways of getting to know someone and helping you make that decision. But the question or statement I am referring to here is something so out of left field that it would never come up in any type of conversation. And if you think about it, you’re asking a “what if” and then you’re answering the “what if.” You can’t do that if you’re not in the situation right now.
I’ll give you an example. Many times, singles have said they can’t imagine moving to a different state or country when they get married, so they don’t date people from certain states or other countries. But I know plenty of people who felt that way and are now living hundreds of miles from where they grew up because they met someone they loved enough to move for. If you’re not in it, how can you judge it? They hadn’t met that person yet, and once they did, they willingly moved.
Again, I’m not saying what was said that has annoyed me to this extent because I’m not badmouthing the person for asking or anything like that. But you’re asking a hypothetical and then answering what you would do. That’s great, but chas v’shalom, if this mistake, error, or misdeed does happen, you can’t judge how you’ll react and what you’ll do because you’re not in the situation yet. You haven’t spent years loving this person and sharing your life with them. But the person answered his own question. Kol hakavod to the actual individual who attempted to answer and help this person.
We can only do what is in our control: ask the right questions, be open and honest, speak what’s in your heart, and then have bitachon that you made the right choice in whom you choose as a spouse. It’s as if you’re asking, “If my wife or husband cheats on our taxes and ends up going to jail, what would I do? Divorce her? Stand by her?” There are just some questions we don’t know the answers to and, thankfully, will never have to find out.
As I say, dating is hard enough. Why make it harder? Don’t go looking for all the “what-ifs.” There is an infinite number of “what-ifs.” I’m not saying never think of a “what if,” but think of realistic “what-ifs,” such as, “What if I get fired? Will he or she stick by my side if I lose my job or get sick? Will he or she be supportive and encouraging to me, or will he or she say it’s too bad, but it’s my issue and I have to deal with it while he or she continues on with life as if nothing has happened? Will he or she be there for me when it counts?” That’s a realistic “what if,” not an out-of-very-far-left-field “what if.”
Yes, you can try to problem-solve by thinking up different scenarios—but at some point, someone won’t give an answer you’ll agree with. Now, is that answer to the made-up “what if” scenario worth breaking up with someone over because that “what if” hasn’t happened yet and most likely will never happen? Ugh! I’m getting a headache just typing this up.
My advice: Always use your seichel and have bitachon that the decisions you make are the right ones. And know that Hashem is with you along the way. Even if you choose the wrong path, He’ll help you come back, and you’ll use that as a learning experience for the next time you’re in that situation.
I hope I made my point clear and that you’re all not scratching your heads, thinking that I’ve lost my marbles. But yes, I feel a little better now and can let the matter go—for now.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..