Dear Goldy,
I’m an animal lover. I always wanted a pet as a child, but my parents didn’t allow it. They tried over and over to explain why I couldn’t. They’re very frum, and so I think they were just going along with, “You can’t own a pet. They’re muktzah on Shabbos, and you can’t feed them…” This is what I was always told. I know there are some halachos involving owning pets, but my parents always kept going back to the same line, “It’s not allowed.” But they did let me have a bird and goldfish. That’s as far as I got. I tried telling them that caring for a pet would teach me responsibility and all that stuff, but nothing worked.
I would end up down the block at a neighbor’s house visiting with their dogs. The owners didn’t mind, and I loved them. I thought I’d be a vet when I grew up, but my brain wasn’t exactly cut out to be a vet. So, I’m not. I moved out of my parents’ house three years ago and soon adopted two cats. I wanted a dog, but I work long hours, and cats can basically take care of themselves and don’t mind being alone for periods of time. I’d feel awful leaving a dog/puppy home, waiting at the door all day for me to get home.
I love my cats, “Rechtz” and “Lynks.” I named them “Right” and “Left” in Yiddish. My cats keep me company when I’m home on a long night or a long Shabbos. I enjoy playing with them. Yes, I talk to them and snuggle with them, but I’m not a crazy cat lady. I don’t take pictures of my cats to show people or talk about them all day… They are my roommates.
Well, I started dating someone, and I like him. I never mentioned my cats during our first few dates because there was no reason to. But during our last date, I mentioned them. I didn’t talk about them like people talk about children. I just said I have two cats. Apparently, this guy - I’ll call Mark - isn’t an animal person. He said he doesn’t like animals. He never had a pet and didn’t enjoy going to the zoo or farm. He didn’t come right out and say it, but I think he would make me choose between him and my cats if it came down to it.
What do I do? I love my cats! I waited for pets my entire life, and now I have them. But I’ve also waited for my husband for years. I’m not saying that Mark is my future husband, but what if he is? What will happen? Will he make me choose? Will I have to give them away? I’m avoiding the topic with him because I don’t actually want him to say the words I think he’ll say because then I’ll be in a real situation.
What do I do?
Bracha
Thank you for your letter, Bracha.
I hear you and sort of understand what you’re saying. You finally have the pets you’ve wanted all your life, but what if the husband you’ve also been waiting for makes you choose? It’s either him or the cats; you can’t have both.
Firstly, I say, don’t jump the gun. You said you don’t know if Mark is your future husband. See how your feelings develop for him and vice versa. But this will still always be nudging you in the back of your mind. I get that.
Think of the people who own pets and, for some reason, have to give them away, either because someone becomes allergic to them, the pet may bite or act out, or the pet becomes too much of a responsibility and they can’t handle it anymore… There are many reasons why someone may have to give up a loved pet. But they do it because, in the long run, the reason why they are giving up the pet matters more than having the pet does – like, say, the safety and health of your family.
I know there are people who give pets to neighbors or family members who can better care for them. This way, the pet is not out of the person’s life. They get to visit from time to time, but I’ve also heard that that type of situation can be hard on both human and pet. Some say it’s better to give a final goodbye than to keep seeing the pet and saying goodbye over and over.
Mark may not like pets, but then again, people do things out of love that they don’t normally find themselves doing. Unless it’s a health or halacha issue for Mark, do you think he’d consider living in harmony with the cats if you end up married? If it means so much to the woman he loves, he may consider it. He may ask for some ground rules, like not ever having to clean the litter box, but he may consider it. He wants to keep the woman he loves happy, and if that means living and cohabitating with cats, then maybe he can do it.
But if the relationship develops and you think Mark is “the one,” he may ask you to choose. Not in those exact words, but you’ll have to choose. Are you prepared to do that? Now you’ll have to figure out what means more to you – having your pets or getting married. There’s no right answer because it’s what you feel. But you must be prepared for whatever comes after you decide. Do you want to gain a husband but lose your beloved pets, or keep your beloved pets and find another man to marry – which may not be as easy as you think? I’m not trying to sound blasé about it. It’s a tough choice.
But in the meantime, see how things go with Mark if the relationship continues. If it doesn’t, then you have no decision. If it continues, he may agree to keep the cats. But at the moment, enjoy the time you have with Mark, “Rechtz,” and “Lynks.” (Cute names.)
There’s a cute chapter in my book, Been There, Dated That (available on Amazon), where a young woman doesn’t know what to do because the fellow she’s going out with is mourning the loss of his childhood dog. She doesn’t know if it’s normal to “mourn” a dog or not. I answered her in a very real way.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..