Dear Goldy,
I started dating someone a month ago and have been having a very nice time, but now I’m not so sure. In your Instagram videos, you always say to speak up, and if something doesn’t feel right, say something—so I’m writing to you.
Avi and I have gone out more than a few times and have already dropped the shadchan. We’re at the stage where we call each other to schedule dates and even send each other short texts or emojis during the day. It’s nice. I’ve never been this far into a relationship with anyone. I’ve dropped the shadchan before, but usually a date or so later, things go south in some way, and so things end. But so far, things are going well with Avi. I look forward to seeing and speaking with him. We have a good time together. And here’s the “but.”
I’m now realizing that when we speak about our friends or the good times we’ve had with them and describe those times to one another, lately Avi hasn’t been laughing or seeing the fun in the stories. In the beginning, he did, and we’d laugh. But now he’s pointing out the most unimportant, trivial part of the story and then says that it wasn’t nice of my friends to do that, or for me to say something, or that my friends should’ve told me the truth, and it was funny. Just little things like that. It happened once and then again. But now it seems that he finds fault whenever I try to relate a story about my workmates or friends to him. The moment passes in a minute, and then it’s over, but now that I’m looking back, it seems to be happening more often. And during our last date, he brought up something from a story I had told him about weeks ago and said, “See? I was right about that. It wasn’t such a good thing.” I was shocked. I mean, it almost seemed like he was using what I had told him as a weapon to point out that he was right, when all I was doing was trying to tell him a fun story about what my friends and I did once. When I told him he was making too big a deal of it and I was even surprised he remembered such a minor detail, Avi said that he’s a good listener and was just trying to help. It’s what he would want me to do for him if something he said sounded off to me. The moment just shook me.
Other than that, I can’t find a fault with him worth ending the relationship over. Yes, everything isn’t perfect, but like you say, there’s much more good than bad here. He’s kind, funny, has good midos, treats me well, speaks nicely… It’s just this thing he has about pointing out that my friends weren’t so nice in certain situations or that I shouldn’t have done or said something that is making me pause here. If we continue, will this happen forever? He doesn’t seem like a critical person. But now, I think twice about telling him a funny friend story—will he find fault with me or my friend?
What do you think?
Shelly
Thank you for your email, Shelly.
Your email concerns me. Yes, I’m happy that you have found someone you like who seems to reciprocate your feelings, but look at the words that you used in your own letter to describe what is bothering you. You are having a good time with him, but when you’re trying to relate a cute or funny story to him about your friends, he seems to be pointing out all the negative parts (which weren’t even important parts of the story, almost like he missed the point of everything). You feel like he’s saying you’re in the wrong or your friends were treating you badly… You said it didn’t happen right away, but slowly. He would criticize one story and then soon another, and now you are second-guessing yourself about sharing what you think are fun memories with him. I don’t have a good feeling here.
You didn’t write many more details about your relationship other than that these moments last a minute or two and then things get better. Why should you second-guess telling someone you’re dating and like anything that you feel is funny or want to share? Is he saying things that make you rethink the way your friends acted or what they said to you in the moment? Is he hinting that maybe these people aren’t good or real friends?
I’m not saying that Avi sounds like he may be trying to distance you from your friends or trying to control you by making you rethink what your friends did/said that he found fault with, which you didn’t find fault with. Maybe he’ll try to isolate you from your friends by doing this. Maybe you will doubt how good a friend your friend is if she “keeps doing this to you.” I don’t like the sound of this.
This may be the first attempt at trying to control you. I can be wrong, but I may not be. Has he made you rethink situations involving how friends treated you or what was done and the intentions behind it? Has he slowly given you suggestions that you normally would not think of, but because he gave them, you rethink the situation—and it’s only because he suggested something else rather than what you did? He may have “given up” and said, “Okay, I’m wrong,” a time or two, but you said it’s happening more and more often.
Why should you rethink anything that you want to tell your best friend/boyfriend? If you’re happy, excited, sad, or upset and you want to call them to share the news and have them either celebrate with you or commiserate with you, that’s fine. But now you’re worried he’ll weaponize it in the future against you—Shelly, that’s a huge red flag.
I’m telling you that if my friend came to me with the same issue, I’d say, tread carefully and speak with someone who has experience dealing with relationships. This could be nothing or maybe the start of something. Abusers don’t begin with a yell or slap. It slowly starts until the person doesn’t even realize what has been done to them. Go into every situation with your eyes wide open. I’m glad you wrote in. You may not think this is a big “but,” but it is. If he is making you rethink situations you’ve had with your friends where you enjoyed yourself—ask why. Why would he want you to question your friends or their intent? What does he get out of making you doubt your friends? He may just be there to pick up the pieces—in his own way.
If you want, you can call Shalom Task Force. It doesn’t matter that you’re not married to him. You don’t want to get further involved if his intentions aren’t good. You, and everyone, deserve the best. Sure, we all joke about our friends, but it isn’t up to someone else to find fault with them and to always point it out to you. I hope I’m wrong, but please speak with someone who is able to help, and that may not be your local rabbi or rebbetzin. Call someone who is trained to deal with this.
I wish you and everyone else hatzlachah.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..