Dear Goldy,
Am I reading too much into something that’s really nothing? Am I sabotaging myself? I’m dating someone that I’m really developing feelings for. But am I being too picky? Let me set it up for you.
Yehuda is kind, nice, fun, from a good family, has great midos, and has a good personality. I enjoy spending time with him. I haven’t found “fault” with him. Nothing concrete, which makes me think that I’m doing this to myself. I’ve never been dating someone for this long. But I kinda like it - and Yehuda. He’s about 5’7 or 5’8 and dresses nicely. But sometimes it annoys me that he slouches. I just want to scream, “Stand up straight!” He kind of looks like a shlub when he slouches—but that’s just sometimes. He doesn’t always slouch, but when he does, I want to scream, “Posture!”
The other “issue” is that I find him attractive, but… his eyebrows are bushy and he sort of has a unibrow. He’s one or two hairs short of a definite unibrow. I heard somewhere that men shouldn’t pluck/wax their facial hair. I don’t know of any who do; not my father, brothers, brothers-in-law, cousins, or friends’ husbands. It doesn’t mean that they don’t, just that I don’t know. They really bother me. Can I look at his face for the next 50 or 60 years? Yes—but those eyebrows will always be an issue.
Yehuda is a great guy, but appearances do mean something and they count for something, right? He slouches and has a bushy unibrow. No, it hasn’t gotten in the way of his life thus far—but now I’m thinking about it. I know I can discuss these issues with him, but it just seems shallow of me. You’ve always said that you won’t love everything about the person you marry, but as long as there is more good than bad, then it’s fine because there will be things my spouse won’t like about me but will overlook for the long haul.
Thoughts?
Laura
Laura, thank you for your letter.
I see (hear) what you are saying. You want to be attracted to the person you date and marry, but find it impossible to be fully attracted to Yehuda because of when he slouches and his “almost unibrow.”
Every person who dates has the same question. No one will be attracted to 100% of the person all of the time, but you have to hope to be attracted to at least 85–95% of the person most of the time. And guess what? Your spouse, Yehuda or someone else, won’t be attracted to 100% of you 100% of the time either. That’s just life and how it is. Does the good outweigh the bad by a lot? Do you think you can mention the fact that he seems like he slouches without making him sound like Quasimodo? Posture can be fixed, but I understand what you’re saying. I went out with someone for about six weeks. I had reservations about some things, and one of them was the fact that he slouched all of the time. I even mentioned it to him. He looked so much better, more confident, and sure of himself when he stood at his full height. His shirt would bunch up, and he would seem shleppy when he slouched. It was an easy topic for me to start, but that’s just me. I said, “You look so much taller and more confident when you stand up straight.” That’s all I said. My date said his family always reminded him to sit and stand straight. He thinks he does it, but then someone reminds him to do it. Apparently, this was something my date was well versed in. He said he tried being more cognizant of it, but sometimes isn’t. Fine. He said I could feel free to remind him whenever I wanted to. That made me feel a little bit like his mommy. But he was okay with it. It was for other reasons that things didn’t work out.
The unibrow. I totally get it. I myself went out with a few men who had a unibrow—they had enough hair up there to donate to make a mustache for another guy. Yes, some men do not touch hair other than shaving their face. But some men do. I know of a married couple where the husband takes longer in the bathroom to prepare to leave the house than his wife does. He has more potions and lotions than his wife. He tweezes stray hairs, makes sure his bald head is shiny… For some men, they’re into self-care, and some aren’t and are old-fashioned. This is something you may have to ease into—if you want to discuss it. Although I can’t imagine starting a conversation about a unibrow. He may come back and say something about an unnoticed chin hair you have. The conversation can go many ways. You wrote that appearances count for something—and they do. But to hold up or break up a relationship for eyebrows and a slouch? Overall, how does he present as a person?
You wrote that you like Yehuda and the time you spend with him. Think about it in the long run: If you do end things because of his posture and unibrow, how will you feel in six weeks if you haven’t had a date since Yehuda? How will you feel if you hear that Yehuda became a chasan to someone other than you? Now, I’m not saying your reasons for having doubts about Yehuda are wrong or shallow. Everyone is allowed to feel the way they do without having to explain it to anyone—but if Yehuda is a good person and makes you feel safe and good and loved, do you think his posture and unibrow are important enough to discuss?
Laura, you also mentioned you have never been out with a fellow for this long. Could it be that you’re just having some fears and anxiety—which is totally normal—and so you’re picking on things that are easy to see? You may want to be open with Yehuda—or a friend/mentor—about these new feelings and fears that you have. It’s one thing to want to be in love and get married, and it’s another thing to be in love with someone else and then have to change your life to include this person in your life. Make sure you know where these doubts are coming from.
Again, no spouse will love everything about their other half. I don’t like that my husband is laid-back when it comes to time. He gets to wherever he or we need to get to on time, but he doesn’t schedule his day around it or set a special alarm. He’ll take his time with everything. We may be two minutes late, but we’re on time. And he hates that I keep pressuring him to get ready to be on time. Even when we were dating, he was late most of the time. I’m a punctual person. Did I think about it? Yes. Did I let it stand in the way of my future? No.
A discussion can clear all of this up. The decision of when and how to have it, if at all, is up to you.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..