A few weeks ago, I took my daughter out for lunch - some quality, special Mommy and Me time. There weren’t many customers in the restaurant. But the women at the table near us were loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear. My daughter begged me to ask the waiter to put on music to drown them out because she didn’t want to hear them talk during our lunch.
Besides the fact that these ladies were speaking extremely loudly in a public setting and it was sort of a private conversation (both things I hate when I am forced to listen in a public setting), I couldn’t help but want to listen in. Why? As soon as I heard, “I’m smarter than every guy I go out with,” I was riveted and tried shushing my daughter. I gave her my phone to play with while we waited for the food. My daughter even asked if these ladies knew who I was and that’s why they were talking so loudly. It was the only reason that made sense to my daughter: “They know you’re Goldy and they want you to hear about their dates. Otherwise, they’re just being obnoxious.” I had to break it to her: The women were just being obnoxious.
Firstly, in public and in private, there is a way of relating a story to someone where you come out looking good without having to badmouth or besmirch those you are talking about. I hope I know how to do it. I’ve been doing it for over twenty years. I do my best not to call anyone I’ve gone out with an “idiot” or “moron” or anything like that. He may have said something that surprised me or given me a good one-liner, but I don’t refer to him in a derogatory way (unless you count “Einstein” as derogatory. Why is it that we only call people Einstein when they are so obviously not? Hmmm?). Yes, there were the two times when the fellow I was out with insulted me to my face and I had a few choice words—but those are the exception, not the norm. Been There, Dated That, currently on sale, is doing just that; it gets the point across without having to outright insult someone. I call people out if they have done something rude or if I don’t think they should do something. But I don’t speak/write insults about them. Doing so doesn’t raise you in the eyes of others, or at least not in mine. By insulting those who can’t (for whatever reason) defend themselves, you show your true character. Secondly, the tone these women were using was making me gag. Besides that, they could have lowered their voices for such a place and topic. I wish I could’ve recorded some of it for this column, but imagine high-snobbery elite women with their noses up in the air speaking about the poor and downtrodden people of the world. Don’t get me wrong - everybody is free to speak how they want and to use whatever language they want to use, but if you’re in public, then watch out. You never know who may be overhearing your words and then judging you by what and how you speak.
I wrote in my first book that I went out with a lawyer who was very conceited; he began every sentence with “I can,” or “I have,” or “Did you know I…,” and when I was given the chance to speak, he was impressed that I knew “big words.” He asked how I knew all those words. I answered that I watched a lot of “SVU.” The conversation these women were having was a lot like that, telling each other the “stupidest thing” the last fellow they dated had said. Yes, some of the conversation was just banter, but to say very loudly, “He asked me if I knew which state Seattle was in because not many people know. He’s stupid for thinking I don’t know anything. He was such a dummy that he also had the nerve to say...” And then she would go on about other “dumb and stupid” things her date had said or done. The other woman listened and then began playing, “I can one-up you with that; my date was so stupid, he…”
I am here to say that if my recaps or stories come off as anything but funny or something you can relate to, I apologize. In no way is my intent to make myself seem as if I am the best date since cheesecake and the one with the best advice since Dear Abby and all the fellows I went out with were “losers…” I try to add levity to my experiences and when I respond to someone’s email. But I don’t want to do it by making anyone look like an idiot, shmuck, jerk… If I have ever done so, I now see how it looks/sounds. I ask forgiveness.
Dating isn’t natural, as I’ve said before. Some people don’t think twice about going out on a first date, and others dread it because they don’t feel comfortable in these situations and find it hard to make small talk or to find common ground with a stranger… There were many times when I was on a date and was able to tell that the fellow was uncomfortable or nervous. Just by reading his body language, it was obvious. For those dates, I’d be as gentle as possible, like petting a baby deer. I’m not referring to those who were rude or mean or had no self-awareness - for those, I was my usual self, and if it meant going at it one-liner for one-liner, I did.
What I want to convey here is simple - but I know I’ve muddled it up and it has gotten lost in translation. Even if you had a bad time on a date, when telling it over to a friend in a public setting, not at home in your jammies on your couch, but out where other people can hear you, be careful about the way you describe someone and how you speak about them (I mean, that should be a life lesson, not just a dating lesson). Never put others down to make yourself look good - because it has the opposite effect many times. Be aware of where you are and how loudly you are talking - especially because you are speaking about others. True story: I was out with a few friends, and one friend overheard people at another table talking, and the person they were speaking about was her cousin. I don’t remember everything, but she did interrupt them, explained who she was, and said that whatever they had just said about her cousin was wrong because ___. Whoa. Talk about being in the right place at the right time - for my friend. You never know who is listening.
These ladies who were having a lunch date were just being plain ol’ mean. I wanted to ask if there was any redeeming quality her date had - did he have nice shoes? Of course, my daughter forbade me from asking. But all of this “girl talk” was loud and would turn me off from setting either of them up with anyone because of how they picked apart every part of the date and what was said, like a vulture would a dead animal. Yes, it was brutal.
I’m not giving a mussar speech, but - if you’re going to talk negatively about someone else, do it in the safety and privacy of your home. No one cares about your thoughts about how your date acted or what he said or what you did… and ask yourself if you can use other words to describe what you want to describe that may be less harsh. The ball gets thrown two ways - who knows what the fellow is saying about this girl (or any girl) he dated. If you’re talking it over with your friends, he may be mentioning it to his friends too. He may be picking on you for things you didn’t even realize because men and women think differently, and what matters to one may not matter to the other.
Just be careful. I don’t want anyone to get a bad reputation when I know that isn’t the intent of what they were doing in the first place, but you never know.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book “The Best of My Worst” and children’s book “Where Has Zaidy Gone?” She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. Goldy is an experienced dating coach offering private sessions. To inquire, contact her at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..