I wasn’t sure whether to publish this letter or not. I decided to publish it because I don’t shy away from topics that are affecting our frum community because the topics are not rated G and appropriate for pre-teens to be exposed to. Years ago, I published a letter from a young woman who was dating someone who smoked marijuana. She didn’t know what to do. What should I have done? Should I have responded, “No. This column will not answer such a question because of young readers we don’t want to give ideas to”? OR because “this is an issue that the secular world faces, not the frum world”? Puh-lease! Keep ignoring what’s in front of you or playing ignorant to what’s happening to some of our brothers and sisters, then there really will be an issue. I’ve always said, whatever happens in the secular world happens in the frum world. Unfortunately, people think it’s all taboo to speak about and that’s wrong. We need to speak about it and make it the norm, so if people have a question or problem, they feel comfortable asking someone without the threat of being ridiculed.
But just to alleviate any worry, fear not: This article isn’t about something illicit or (what I consider) something inappropriate. I forewarned readers because there are a few Karens out there who will complain that I wrote about an inappropriate subject that doesn’t affect the frum community...” or “something I don’t need my 13-year-old to read about.” And you all know how I answer comments like those. If you read the letter and my response carefully, you will see that I answered the question asked – nothing more, nothing less. This may be the type of article that can help families start the conversation that I think all families should have. Out of all the letters on this topic that I received, this was the tamest and general. I thought it would be appropriate for this type of paper.
Please keep in mind that I am not condoning any behavior. I am simply responding to an email that I was sent.
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Dear Goldy:
My boyfriend used to smoke two packs of cigarettes a day. When vaping became popular, he joked that he would never give up his Marlboros, but now he has. He vapes all day: in the office, car, home, even in restaurants. To tell you the truth, I like the smell of plain old cigarettes better than some of the flavors of the vapes – mango, strawberry, mint. The smells are too fake.
My parents live in another state. They know about my bf and like him. They kind of met. Once, when my mom called, he was in the background, so I FaceTimed and everyone unofficially met for a minute or two. I always left out the part of his smoking/vaping. My grandfather and an aunt passed away from lung cancer years ago. Both were smokers. It’s a very sensitive topic with my mother, even though she tells me that she used to smoke a pack a day in the ’70s. I’m worried now, because my parents will be coming to New York City for a week this summer, and they will be spending time with me and my boyfriend.
I told my bf about my parents’ stance on smoking/vaping. To them, it equals lung cancer. I asked him if he could try quitting, just during the time that he’s with my parents. Chew gum, breath spray, etc. He said it’s time I told them and doesn’t see it as a big deal. He said if they can’t accept him vaping and their opinion matters more to me than him doing something that brings him relaxation, then maybe I don’t care as much about him or am invested as much in this relationship as he is. He said he’d never ask me to hide or change anything about myself to please his family. Plus, if things do get serious, they’d find out eventually, so why put off the inevitable?
I’m very invested in this relationship and his feelings do matter to me, but I also respect my parents’ feelings.
Leah
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Leah, thank you for your email.
I can understand your predicament. But I think it’s bigger than just vaping. You’re in a relationship and deeply care for someone, but you respect your parents and their views. You don’t want them to think that you are disrespecting them. You fear losing your boyfriend over this. We all encounter this sort of dilemma once we enter a relationship. We’re always told to respect and love our parents, but now we commit ourselves to another and at times their actions/views are completely the opposite of your family. You feel like you must choose, and by choosing one over the other, you feel as though you will lose something. This is the part of “adulting” that I hate. There’s no handbook for this. The real answer: You have to choose what’s right for you. It’s hard to keep walking the tight rope between your parents and the one you love.
Getting back to your letter, I understand what you mean when you say (joked) that you prefer the smell of cigarettes over the fake smell of vaping. I’m around smokers and vapers a lot, and the fake smell of the flavors makes me gag while the smell of cigarettes doesn’t affect me. You can try to make the argument that vaping is better than smoking, but we’ve all read and heard the arguments for and against vaping. And your parents are biased because of the loss of loved ones due directly to their smoking.
Your boyfriend has a point: If things continue to get serious between the two of you, your parents will find out. Why prolong the torture of waiting to tell them? He has another valid point: asking if what your parents think of your boyfriend and your choice to date a smoker/vaper is more important than him doing something that has become his norm. It’s almost like asking someone with an obnoxiously loud laugh not to laugh while in public because you’re afraid of what others will think and the looks you’ll get – but obviously the situation is more serious than a laugh.
Is it possible that you are jumping to the worst-case scenario once your parents are made aware of your bf habit? Do you think they’ll think less of you? Yell a lot? Ground you? They may do some of that, but they may shock you, as well. You can only control you, just like they can only control themselves. Your mother can’t control your father and vice versa. If they really understand that, they should also understand that you can’t control your boyfriend’s actions, but that you see all of the maalos your boyfriend has despite the smoking/vaping. They may come to realize this, too. Or not.
Leah, I’m sure you know that you can’t force an addict to quit if he doesn’t want to. Smoking/vaping is a drug. It’s one thing if you ask him to quit for you. But it’s a whole other ball of wax if you ask him to quit – even for a few days – because of your parents! If you keep pursuing this, even asking for a “temporary quit,” he may resent you for making him choose. You’re both adults. I’m sure he is taking your feelings into account, but you have to see things from his perspective, as well. Like I said in the beginning: This issue is bigger than just asking him to stop vaping around your parents because you’re afraid of how they will react towards him, you, and the relationship.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..