Dating Today

In the past, I have written that it is a huge adjustment to go from thinking of “Me” and “I” to “Us” and “We” once you become part of a couple. It took me a bit of time to adjust to that when I became a kallah. I was someone in my mid-30s who never had to consult someone else when I wanted to buy something or go somewhere. I’m a fast learner, so the adjustment period wasn’t long. But for some, the shock of having to ask another person “permission” to do something, go somewhere, or to buy something is shocking and it may seem ridiculous. I don’t think of it as asking permission. You’re not going on a class trip and in need of your parent’s signature. This is a new life. You will live with this person, and I refer to it as “keeping them in the loop” and “asking for another opinion.” Your actions and decisions will be affecting someone else, just as their decisions will affect you. As you will read below, this kallah found out the hard way that she should start thinking of herself as part of a “we” than a “me.”

Dear Goldy:

I’m writing to you to settle an issue I’m having with my sister. My sister is certain you’ll agree with her. And obviously, I’m certain you’ll agree with me. We need you to break the tie and really put an end to the whole thing.

I wasn’t sure whether to publish this letter or not. I decided to publish it because I don’t shy away from topics that are affecting our frum community because the topics are not rated G and appropriate for pre-teens to be exposed to. Years ago, I published a letter from a young woman who was dating someone who smoked marijuana. She didn’t know what to do. What should I have done? Should I have responded, “No. This column will not answer such a question because of young readers we don’t want to give ideas to”? OR because “this is an issue that the secular world faces, not the frum world”? Puh-lease! Keep ignoring what’s in front of you or playing ignorant to what’s happening to some of our brothers and sisters, then there really will be an issue. I’ve always said, whatever happens in the secular world happens in the frum world. Unfortunately, people think it’s all taboo to speak about and that’s wrong. We need to speak about it and make it the norm, so if people have a question or problem, they feel comfortable asking someone without the threat of being ridiculed.

Dear Goldy:

My son is 27 and began dating an older woman. She’s 33 and divorced. It’s not that I don’t like her; I don’t even know her. But I don’t think my son needs to be dating older divorced women. He’s young enough to see what single girls his age are out there.

A decade ago, I sent an anonymous letter to the Yated. It was a thank-you letter to klal Yisrael. I wanted to reach as many people as possible in klal Yisrael and figured the readership of the Yated was a good way to reach many. A decade ago, a member of my family needed a r’fuah sh’leimah. Doctors were baffled at the disease her body was trying to fight.

I’ve always said that having differences of opinion is good for a relationship. But some take that too far. Too many times I have heard that a couple stopped dating “because he/she thought that ______. I mean, isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard?” No. Breaking up with them over that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – or one of the Top Ten.