If you’ve lived long enough, chances are you’ve been stabbed in the back — possibly even by someone you cared about. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship or friendship. Do you know who you can — and cannot — have faith in?

“I swear I won’t tell anyone…” If you have a friend who loves to spill other people’s secrets and constantly breaks others’ confidentiality, please do not trust them. The gossip may be tempting, but decline. Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. She may vent her frustrations by talking badly about other friends. If she were honest about her feelings with the friend who hurt her, the issue could likely have been resolved.

Speak to your loved ones directly when you are hurt or angry. Do not air that dirty laundry to others. Speaking of laundry, you know that we can land on the moon, but we still haven’t invented a dryer that folds all the clothes. Heck, I tried to start a laundry business, but it folded. But seriously, if he lacks self-awareness, he will never take accountability when your feelings get hurt.

Please, look for those red flags. He fails to see how his actions affect you. He only looks out for himself. She may constantly shift the blame to you or even accuse you of being too sensitive. Sadly, you cannot trust her to have your back. You can always trust me — just not alone with chocolate. Other than that, I’m reliable.

Some people may even use your good nature to get what they want. Steer clear of manipulative or controlling people whenever you can. Sadly, you may even have a family member who tries to play upon your kindness or use you for their own benefit. Whoever tries to bring you down is already below you. So, please, take the high road, sweet friends.

He never wants to talk about his actions — only your reactions. She acts differently around others. Are there things your friends or loved ones don’t understand about you? Are there matters you simply wouldn’t dream of admitting to them?

Think about who you can share your deepest insecurities with. Anyone? You may have very sentimental ideas about friendship or relationships. If your friend is two-faced or desperately wants to impress others at your expense, think twice about whether she’s earned the title “friend.” It’s been said: Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn’t seem to crack. Women treat it like glass, and it goes to pieces.

P.S. If a woman says, “Do whatever you want,” do not do whatever you want.

But seriously — and sadly — she may care more about her image, and he may be more interested in his reputation than he is in you. She may not respect your boundaries or privacy.

Finding a true friend or falling in love can be the most euphoric feeling in the world. If you find yourself changing for the better, you may have found a true friend or mate. Does he make you feel more confident or less? And know this: conflict is a normal part of a relationship. As they say, whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend.

Choose someone who prioritizes you. No matter how busy he is, if he truly cares, he will make time to be with you. Then again, when someone does something wrong, don’t forget all the things they’ve done right.

Build emotional intimacy through acts of kindness. Share your successes with him. Comfort her when she is down. Show interest in her life. Be curious about his thoughts and feelings. Meet your friends halfway. If you need to readjust your schedule, do it. Give your energy to those who sacrifice for you, too.

You know what they say: best friends don’t care if your house is clean — they care if you have chocolate. By the way, have you ever noticed there are no recipes for leftover chocolate? And of course, nuts just take up space where chocolate ought to be. Do you agree?

Always look for solutions together, and do give second chances. Above all, surround yourself with people who choose you.

 Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens.  She works with individuals, couples, and families.  Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends.  She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.  or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.