Every year, in honor of President’s Day, I present a bunch of fun facts about one of our presidents, going in chronological order. I plan to do this every year until I get to a recent-enough president that people get upset at me for the jokes.
This year we’re up to the 4th president, who was definitely either Madison or Monroe. My research insists that it’s Madison, so we’ll go with that.
- James Madison was our nation’s 4th president, apparently.
- His nickname was “the Father of the Constitution,” but his son just called him Father, for short.
- He was also our shortest president, weighing under 100 lbs. and standing at 5 foot 4. But he told the shadchan he was 6 feet.
- Madison did not fight in the Revolution because he had a bunch of health issues, including, but not limited to, stomach aches. Which are pretty unhelpful in heated battles.
- He was the first president to declare war while in office. This was the War of 1812, which whoever was in charge of naming the wars was pretty sure would be done by the end of the year.
- The War ended in 1815. But by then no one bothered to change the name because it was already on the books for tax purposes, and it would have been a whole thing.
- James was born on a plantation in Virginia called Montpelier, which you’re definitely pronouncing wrong. And I know this, because I looked it up and found no less than six pronunciations.
- His name was actually James Madison Jr. but most people don’t know that because his father was not a founding father. Just a regular father. Of 12.
- After college, James was elected to Virginia’s Revolutionary convention, where he drafted a Guarantee of Religious Freedom, which said, among other things, that the non-Jews can start playing music for their December holiday as early as July.
- James was the youngest delegate at the Continental Congress, and as such, everyone made him take notes. His notes are considered to be the only comprehensive history of the proceedings. Everyone copied his notes before the tests.
- When it came to writing the Constitution, James showed up 11 days early with a pen and paper, and he and the other delegates spent 86 days in heated debate developing the structure of the federal government. When they were done, the room smelled like anything.
- He was also one of the writers of the Federalist Papers, which were like fake reviews of the Constitution written anonymously and sent out to local newspapers to convince people to ratify it. For example: “Another great hit by the writers of the Declaration! This Constitution has it all – taxation, representation, legislation… I brought home a copy for my husband, and my sholom bayis has never been better! 13 Stars!”
- Madison married a woman named Dolley, which is a nickname that she must have picked up as a child. Dolley came from yichus. Her parents were an eidim of George Washington’s brother, Sam Washington. This sounds made up, but most yichus is made up.
- Dolley may have been James’s first lady, but he wasn’t her first man. (Sorry.) Her previous husband had died during the yellow fever epidemic in a duel over toilet paper.
- After living in Philly with his wife for 3 years, Madison retired from politics and moved back to his house in Montpelier, where he spend his free time correcting people on how to pronounce it.
- His retirement lasted four years. He was very bored.
- Case in point, Madison still kept up with his friend Thomas Jefferson (the two had even gotten arrested once for driving on a Sunday). Anyway, in those days, there was a big controversy over whether American mammals were smaller than European mammals. So in one of his letters, Madison wrote down 33 measurements he’d made of a deceased weasel (including its heart and spleen) and sent it to Jefferson. Madison tried to downplay his excitement about this by writing, “For want of something better to fill the remainder of my paper, I will now add the result of my examination of another of our minor quadrupeds. It was a female & came to my hands dead.”
- Sure it did.
- In 1801, Jefferson asked Madison to join his new presidential administration as Secretary of State. Madison succeeded Jefferson’s previous Secretary of State, Levi Lincoln Sr., who was in office for less than 2 months before he quit, probably after he opened the president’s mail and found a weasel.
- One of the main things Madison’s presidency is known for is that his wife had major rebbetzin vibes. She was the first First Lady who took the role seriously – she arranged social functions, did public outreach, and redecorated the White House. James himself was not much of a conversationalist, so he always sat off to the side while Dolley sat at the head of the table. Which made no one uncomfortable. In fact, one of his nicknames was “Dolley’s husband.”
- Dolley Madison was particularly famous for popularizing ice cream parties, without which a lot less Mishnayos would be learned today.
- The couple’s favorite flavor of ice cream was reportedly oyster, made with fresh oysters from the Potomac. This might explain James’s constant stomach issues.
- Other popular ice cream flavors back then were asparagus, parmesan, and chestnut. The parmesan one made you milchig for six hours.
- The big event of Madison’s presidency was the War of 1812 – a war that to this day they haven’t thought of a name for.
- Actually, the War of 1812 did have another name – “The War of Faulty Communications”. Basically, Madison declared war against the British because for years they kept capturing American ships heading to France (as part of their war against the French). Madison did everything he could think of, and finally decided to just declare war, but right before he did this, Britain decided to stop. Madison just didn’t know that yet. And by the time everyone found out, war had already been declared, and it was too late to back out at that point.
- And not only was the war declared for nothing, the final battle of the war – the Battle of New Orleans – was actually fought after a peace treaty had already been signed over in Europe, but no one had told the soldiers yet. They really could have used phones back then.
- So anyway, in June of 1812, Congress declared war, at which point American forces immediately invaded Canada. This somehow ended in America having to give away parts of Detroit, which the British eventually gave back, because Detroit is one of the least British cities we have.
- For most of the war, we were not doing well. At the start of the war, the British had more than 600 ships, while the US Navy had, at a moderate estimate, about 17. And one of them was that boat from the famous George Washington painting. We also had a ship called, “Old Ironsides.” Literally. We were a shtickel outmatched.
- By 1814, Madison was able to achieve some victories by lowering the average age of generals to 36. From 60.
- Madison was the only president to lead his troops into battle during his presidency. In August of 1814, the British marched on Washington, and Madison said, “I’m going to go stand in front with my tiny frame and intimidate them.” I’m paraphrasing here.
- He had to borrow a pair of guns from his Treasury Secretary.
- I find it hilarious that the Treasury Secretary had to carry multiple guns.
- Once James got out to the battlefield and heard the rockets overhead, he was like, “Maybe I’m going to go stand in the back. If you guys don’t mind.”
- Madison was also the only president to lead his troops in the subsequent fleeing of Washington.
- This left the British to raid the White House and eat all the food and of course the ice cream, because it was August, and then burn it down.
- During the “battle”, Dolley supported her husband by supervising the evacuation of the White House.
- She also famously oversaw the rescue of a portrait of George Washington in that famous portrait that depicted him posing for a portrait, and she is forever known for this, because that was the only copy we had of that one.
- After that day, Madison was our first homeless president.
- Actually, he then took up residence in the Octagon House, which was so called because it was brown.
- “Scholars” believe no one won the war, but all sides involved believe that they did. The US lost most of the battles, and one of the few battles we won happened after the war was over; England didn’t even consider it its own war, but a minor part of their Napoleonic wars in which they got to stop for ice cream; and Canada was just happy to be included.
- For Madison’s second term, his vice president was Elbridge Gerry.
- “Elbridge Gerry” sounds like a flavor of ice cream from the 1800s.
- Madison died on June 28th, 1836. This was six days away from July 4th, and it created a major scandal, because the presidential minhag was to die on July 4th, as established by Adams and Jefferson, who had died on the same day, possibly in a barbecuing accident. The doctor offered to keep Madison alive until the 4th using simulants and possibly puppetry, and Madison said, “What? No!”
- His final words were, “I always talk better lying down.” Now he says that. Not while he was president.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
