I am writing this column right after getting up from shiv’ah. The people who came to be menachem aveil (consoling the mourner) have left. Those who came to help make sure that we had a minyan for all three daily davenings had left. The items supplied by Misaskim were taken back. For them, life has gone back to the way it was. For me it has not. I was debating whether or not to write about my mother, Etta Hecht. Someone suggested that I wait until shloshim (30 days after burial) to give me more time. I decided to accept the suggestion, but I want to make certain observations relating to shiv’ah and the last few days of my mother’s life.
It has been 13 years since I sat shiv’ah for my father, whose yahrzeit is on the fourth day of Chanukah. I don’t remember too much from then. What was true then, and at this time, is that there were people who came to the shiv’ah whom I never would have expected to show up. Some of them I had no idea who they were until they told me their name. Another person who came wasn’t talking to me, until recently, because he disagreed with my views espoused in the Queens Jewish Link. In contrast, there were those whom I would have expected to show up or call and did neither. It did not upset me 13 years ago, and it won’t upset me now. Not everybody is able to be menachem aveil for a variety of reasons. I appreciate everyone’s gesture of comfort through visits, calls, and cards or letters. Unfortunately, I have been remiss on occasion in making a shiv’ah call when I probably should have. I will use my experience as an incentive to be better and go to more shiv’ah calls.
Davening was no different. Although we had minyanim for all the davenings, some days it was tough. One misconception that some people made was that when they came and there was a decent-sized crowd, they thought that it would be the same the next day. Also, more people came early Sunday morning when they thought it would be hard to make a minyan (thank you!), but then we had trouble getting a minyan Monday morning. Don’t assume that everyone else is coming back.
We are fortunate to live in a community where chesed abounds. Hatzalah is second to none. They were prompt and professional when they came to my mother’s house. It is not easy to deal with an emergency situation, especially when the person in need is reluctant to go to the hospital. I believe that the quick actions of Hatzalah saved my mother’s life so that she was able to make it to the hospital. Although she did die a few days later, Hatzalah’s help kept my mother alive long enough to give my sister enough time to fly in from out of state to see her before she passed away. Some of the responders also came to be menachem aveil.
My mother was at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital of Queens. The staff was very cooperative and caring during this tough time. They called us the night before my mother died to tell us that her condition had worsened, and we should come to the hospital. This gave my family and my sister the chance to see her one last time. They also allowed my wife and me to stay in the room overnight with my mother, so she was not alone at the end.
While waiting in the hospital, we called Rabbi Welcher with halachic questions as they arose. The Rav guided us with patience and sensitivity. After my mother passed away, we needed a shomer, who came before dawn. I knew the shomer, which made the situation more comfortable.
Delicious meals were organized by the Ahavas Yisroel Chesed Committee, prepared and provided by members of the shul. It is a tremendous help to the family not having to decide what to make for supper. People signed up to learn Mishnayos in the memory of my mother for her shloshim.
No matter how old parents are, it is not easy losing them. The chesed of many has been a help and comfort to my family during this difficult time. I cannot thank them enough.
Warren S. Hecht is a local attorney. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
