You have the power to hurt someone. Do you occasionally ignore the rules of politeness and good manners? You know what they say: Good manners – the noise you don’t make when you’re eating soup. But truly, humans are not invulnerable deities, sweet friends. We can all be pained by a comment about our less-than-perfect selves. Yes, even you.
At times you may not be able to grasp how anxious she is, or how desperate he may feel. Do you tease others about their appearance, their financial status, or aging? Old age is always 15 years older than I am. Of course, we cannot always shield our loved ones from their own fragility, but remember that none of us is beyond suffering.
It is completely normal to want to be liked. In order to truly be compassionate, you may need to take on board this unfamiliar idea: We all have the power to cause other people in our lives serious harm. Furthermore, you can even ruin a total stranger’s entire day through a few incautious or misplaced words, or by withholding a smile.
There is a prevalent and damaging form of injury that many overlook. You may be suffering silently from wounds stemming from emotional neglect. You might have felt subtly ignored by your own parents or classmates at school. Perhaps no one smiled at you or praised you often. They may never seem to find time for you. It could be that he never notices when you look sad. She believes you when you half-heartedly say you’re “okay.”
Does your husband, wife, or friend spend enough time with you? Listen, my husband’s wife is awesome. True story. Someone once said: “I married for love; but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”
But truthfully, do your parents or children notice you? Speaking of which, wasn’t parenting so much easier when you were raising your non-existent kid hypothetically? You know what they say: When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog – so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
But truly, have you ever received an affectionate term of endearment or nickname? Does he simply not seem particularly interested in you? It may be that she doesn’t even look you in the eye; and last year she even forgot your birthday. Well, you know you’re getting old, when the only thing you want for your birthday is not to be reminded of it.
At first glance none of these things may seem particularly damaging or detrimental because, honestly, this behavior is invisible. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of indifference can surely attest to the hurt and injury caused by being unnoticed.
Perhaps you’ve attended a family event and people there acted as if you were a non-existent thing. Perhaps no one even turned around or came to hug you when you entered the room. You spoke at the table, and no one answered. You may secretly be wishing he would take notice of you. You might conclude that you are simply not as likable as everyone else there, or worse – that there is something wrong with you. You feel like screaming out loud: “Hey, does anyone see or hear me in here?” If I play with my invisible hula-hoop, will you finally see me?
How do you justify others’ indifference toward you? You may continue to try to please them or to win them over. But deep within, you may begin to blame yourself and even feel self-contempt. You might now try to numb those feelings by drinking a tad too much, shopping compulsively, or obsessing about your social media status. I know. A parcel a day keeps the sadness away. And you know what they say: No decision should be made on an empty shopping bag.
But seriously, if you failed to receive the kind of love that makes you feel solid or whole, it will be difficult to feel deserving or even to be your authentic self. Do not waste precious energy wondering why they are the way they are. You are simply seeing their shadow side, sweet friends. Change the way you see his defects or her weaknesses. Remind yourself to tend your own garden.
Reflect deeply and do not take too much interest in what others are. Humans are tricky and troublesome and not all filled with kindness. Do not tie your personal mood to his behavior or her attitude toward you. Keep a good distance between yourself and the world around you. It’s been said: Some humans are really bad at being human.
Focus on your own life and do not fret about all of humanity. Do not rely on the gullible, fickle, outside world, my friends. Don’t allow yourself to feel burdened by clinging to things that do not matter or over which you have no control. We get attached to people, objects, and – above all – to power. Fear of loss or abandonment can become an obsession. Power will always be insatiable, and things can be given or taken at any moment.
The way you position yourself in the world is entirely within your control. Do you want a stable sense of well-being? Live a moral, compassionate life, sweet friends; and please do try to accept the way things are. It’s been said: If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.
Caroline is a licensed psychotherapist, crisis counselor, and writer with an office in Queens. She works with individuals, couples, and families. Appointments are available throughout the week and weekends. She can be reached at 917-717-1775 or at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at facebook.com/pages/Safe-Haven-Healing.
