Dear Goldy:
This happened a while ago, but it’s an argument that I still have with my family. I was dating someone, and we were in between the beginning stage and the “we have been dating for a long time” stage. Basically, we were having a good time, but weren’t so serious yet, or at least I wasn’t.
My neighbor was the shadchan. One Shabbos, the cousin of the guy I was dating had a bar mitzvah in my neighborhood. He and his family stayed at my neighbors’ house. I thought this would be fine. I’d go about my usual business. I wouldn’t make an effort to see him or not see him. In my brain it was just a regular Shabbos. It happens to be that on Friday night, after my seudah, when I went on a walk with my sister, he was on his way to my neighbors’ house after the bar mitzvah seudah was finished. I didn’t feel pressured, but we stopped and spoke. It wasn’t a long conversation, but long enough for me to realize that he wasn’t the one for me. I never thought he really was. We were just having a nice time, but I saw a few red flags for me, and after that conversation, it was cemented. I thought about it later that night and finalized it in my head: I didn’t want to see him anymore.
The next day in shul, I stayed for the bar mitzvah kiddush. This is my shul. I’ve gone to it for decades. I know the family who was making the bar mitzvah, my friends were there, etc., so I stayed. A little cholent, some sponge cake, some chatting with my friends. I wasn’t in the mood for a face to face with the guy, so I left when I thought he may come over to say hello. I didn’t want to fake it and pretend to be interested in whatever he would say – plus Shabbos is a day of rest. I didn’t want to play the dating game with him. I stayed inside during the afternoon, except for a few minutes, which I spent on the back porch, but headed inside when my neighbor walked out. I didn’t want to get into a conversation that may turn into “So how’s it going with...” I thought I wasn’t going to alter my Shabbos plans because he was next door, and before Shabbos I didn’t know I’d want to end things, but I ended up changing what I would have done on Shabbos afternoon, which was to be out on my front and back porch with or without friends.
My mother said that there was no reason to walk inside when my neighbor came out. No one can say for sure if she would bring up dating. But it seemed rude to suddenly walk in when she walked out and to walk away from him when I thought he would be coming over to me at the kiddush. “You could’ve said a quick ‘Good Shabbos’ and then excused yourself that you had to be somewhere else.” All is true, but I just didn’t want to do it.
I ended things with him on Motza’ei Shabbos. I don’t know if he felt my vibe on Shabbos or not, but he didn’t seem surprised when I told him I didn’t want to date anymore. My question is: Do you think I was rude? Did I give him some hint about what I was going to do? Or does it not even matter and I can do whatever I want?
Shira
*****
Thanks for your letter, Shira.
As I always say, never apologize for your feelings. Actions are a different story. From what you wrote, I don’t think you acted rude, but did you and the fellow make eye contact at the kiddush while he was walking over before you left? And did you abruptly leave the back porch when your neighbor came out to her porch, if you were heading in anyway? But if you got up and practically ran in when you saw your neighbor, it kind of makes it very clear that you were avoiding her, and she may connect the dots. If she really wasn’t going to ask you about dating, she may have been confused.
You seem to have been in an awkward position, some would say. You were going out with someone who happened to spend Shabbos next door to you. You were bound to run into each other – especially if the bar mitzvah was in your shul. (Your shul/my shul. I know what you mean, but you don’t own the shul. It should be “the shul I daven at.” I’m sorry, I had to add that. It’s just when “my” is attached to something, if it isn’t a relative or a possession of yours, then it isn’t yours. It’s a pet peeve of mine. Sorry to point it out.) Did you discuss with the fellow, whom I will refer to as Shimon, what would happen if you would run into each other on Shabbos? It was bound to happen, especially if you were both going to be at the same kiddush. Or was it a conversation that you had with yourself in your mind? What I want to know is, were the two of you on the same page about what would happen or not happen on Shabbos?
I believe that I once wrote of going on a singles Shabbaton as was the fellow I was dating. The plans had been made before we had even met each other. This was the type of Shabbaton where a neighborhood welcomed singles. Families would host the singles to sleep or to sleep and for meals with other singles. I made it very clear to the fellow I was dating that we were not under any obligation to be exclusive during the Shabbaton. We had only gone out a few times, so why should I not mix and mingle with the other single men there? I paid my money and my dues (plenty of dues). I found out after the Shabbaton that he arranged to eat meals at the same family I was staying and eating at (my friend Rochelle, whom I told that it was odd that this fellow was just happen to be eating both Friday night and Shabbos lunch at her house knowing I would be there), and he had told other men that we were dating and warned them about talking with me. This was very unfair on his part. I didn’t find it romantic or chivalrous. It was a bit creepy, actually. This fellow specifically went against what we agreed not to do and because of that, altered what may have been a very fun Shabbaton for me.
So, I ask again, were terms laid out before the bar mitzvah? If not, if what you wrote about not altering your behavior was a conversation you had with yourself in your head, then your actions may have been rude. You spoke with him on Friday night and then avoided him on Shabbos. Hibernating or running away was avoidance. I can understand what your mother meant, but would it really be work and ruin your menuchah to say a quick hello to him at the kiddush? It’s never wrong to do the right thing. I’m not saying that what you did was not right, but some would say “What’s the big deal? Just be cordial and then walk away.” If you don’t feel bad about how you acted, then all is fine. But you wrote me an email about this. This tells me that it may be nudging you a little. Or maybe your mother has been nudging you about it. Personally, I would have said a quick hello at the kiddush and then gone about my business in the afternoon. I just can’t be outright rude or make it obvious that I’m avoiding someone because I would never want that done to me. I would feel awful if I thought someone was going out of his way to avoid me.
What’s done is done. Maybe you should always ask, “How would I feel if someone did to me what I just did to that person?” and then you would have your answer.
I never acted surprised, even when I was, when I was told I wouldn’t be going out with someone again – their choice not mine. I didn’t want to seem vulnerable or like someone who never saw the “no” coming. Inside, my feelings were all jumbled, but outside I was calm. So, did your actions tip Shimon off? I don’t know. All you can do is move forward. But if you have lingering feelings about what you did and how you did it, then you may have your answer.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
