Dear Goldy,
I went out with Eli twice. I started not feeling well the night before our third date. Nothing major, but my head and throat were bothering me, and I was very tired. I called Eli in the morning and told him I may have to cancel the date because I wasn’t feeling well. He told me he’d call me later to see if I was feeling better, and I could decide then; he didn’t want me to cancel in the morning when I might feel better later in the day. Fine.
I took Tylenol and a nap. I felt a little better later in the day—not 100%, but better. When Eli called, I told him I was feeling a little better, but not my regular self. He said that was fine and we could have a short date, and he’d take me home early if I felt worse on the date. I thought that was thoughtful of him. The first two dates with him were good, and now he was showing that he was considerate.
The date was fine. We went for coffee. I chose tea. We walked in a park and sat down to talk for a little while. I didn’t ask for the date to end early. The Tylenol I had taken right before the date was working, plus the tea… He did ask how I was feeling a few times during the date. I told him I was feeling good enough to continue but would probably go to bed when I got home.
The shadchan called me later that night (she left me a voicemail because I had already gone to bed when she had originally called). I called back. She said that Eli didn’t want to go out again. Although he liked me, he didn’t find me energetic or outgoing. What? The shadchan told me that after the last date Eli liked my “vibe.” And now he didn’t find me energetic or outgoing? I guess I have a very low-key vibe. The shadchan explained that I wasn’t exciting enough for what he was looking for. I told her that I wasn’t feeling well during the day, and Eli wanted to keep the date, so he knew I wasn’t my regular self. The shadchan didn’t know what to say. She said that Eli mentioned something about me not acting like I normally did and maybe I was holding back, but not that I was sick. She said that Eli was very specific about wanting more energy.
I’m still confused. It was only the third date, and I wasn’t head over heels or very invested in Eli yet, because we didn’t really do anything to get to know each other yet—just food, walks, museums… If this was the excuse he was using, let him have it. I think it’s so odd that he would comment on my energy when he knew I wasn’t feeling well. I think it’s something he made up. Why couldn’t he tell the shadchan the truth of why he didn’t want a fourth date? I’m a big girl, been dating for a long time. I can handle the truth. But to say I wasn’t full of energy and pizzazz when he knew I wasn’t feeling my best, was full of Tylenol, and he encouraged me to go out… just grow up.
What do you think?
Batya
Thank you for your email, Batya.
I wrote it and said it many times: I don’t understand people.
Good for you for putting on your big girl clothes and keeping the date. You said that you weren’t feeling your best, not that you were sick—like with a bad cold or sinus infection. If you were sick, you are allowed to cancel a date. We’re all human, and it’s a date, not a lifetime commitment—although we may hope dates lead to that. You felt that you had a responsibility, and you called Eli to tell him. He was the one who said to see how you feel later in the day, and he took you out, even offering to drive you home if you felt symptoms getting worse. You took one for the team. You were truthful. And then he used your words and the effort you put in against you.
He told the shadchan he liked your vibe from the last date, but now you didn’t have enough vibe, energy, spark, charisma—however he would term it. And the shadchan didn’t know you weren’t feeling well during the date? Seems like Eli didn’t mention that on purpose, because then the shadchan could have advocated for you, that you were sick, so obviously you weren’t swinging from the chandelier. In my opinion, you’re right. Eli chose a reason, but he chose one that he knew would leave you with questions. Or maybe he didn’t put that much thought into it and just used what was easily available, not thinking how easily it could be refuted. It may be good that you weren’t head over heels for him yet. This showed some of his true colors. I don’t know him or the situation well enough to tell you if it’s a dark, cruel, vile color or just a plain, boring beige. All I know is that the reason he gave the shadchan, and not telling her the full story, tells me that maybe it’s a good thing you didn’t spend more time getting to know him.
Batya, you’re not the first person to say that after one or two dates the person they had been out with didn’t want to go out again, and the reasoning seems to be similar: People want excitement, energy… But it’s kind of hard to be full-on 100% energy when you are trying to get to know the person you’re with. True, an outgoing person is usually outgoing in any setting, but dating is not just “any setting.” You want to be careful not to scare the person off by being too much of anything—too quiet, too outgoing, too loud. I once went out with someone who was “on” for 100% of our date. It was a lot to handle. Was this his normal? Would he get even more intense if I got to know him better? He also had no filter, which was part of his charm—or so he said: “I say it. I put it out there.” Great. Thanks for telling me now.
I think it’s strange to expect a stranger to tell you about his or her escapades and adventures in life when you barely know each other. The first few dates are to get to know the person, to see if you want to spend more time with the person so then you can get to hearing about the exciting times and even creating some together. To expect it all at once isn’t real. We don’t live in a movie! We aren’t John Grisham or J.K. Rowling when we date. You don’t have to entertain someone with stories of adventure and mystery in order to hook them and have them keep coming back for more. You don’t jump into the deep end of the pool if you can’t swim! Getting to know someone takes more time than sipping a latte or just looking at their social media. If people aren’t interested in putting in the time to get to know someone else, and then really seeing if they’re a fun and exciting type of person—and if they have that need to be entertained at all times or they’ll swipe left—then I worry about future generations. Sometimes relaxed, slow, and boring is good (for so many reasons).
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
