I’ve always said that having differences of opinion is good for a relationship. But some take that too far. Too many times I have heard that a couple stopped dating “because he/she thought that ______. I mean, isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard?” No. Breaking up with them over that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – or one of the Top Ten.
It doesn’t take a political science major, or someone glued to cable news, to figure out that the world we are living in today is much different from the world even three years ago. A person must watch every syllable that comes out of his mouth, and he must be careful that his actions aren’t misinterpreted by a stranger on the street, or that some “Karen” won’t start yelling at him over something that he didn’t do and not only that, but record and post it. Yeah, you read that correctly. There are wackos out there recording everything and yelling about it!
Why should the shidduch world be any different? Whatever happens in the secular world makes its way into the frum world, and in this case the dating world. Please read on.
*****
Dear Goldy:
I don’t even know what to say. This is a crazy situation; maybe you can help.
I’ve been dating someone for a nice stretch of time. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. We aren’t talking about marriage yet, but we are serious enough for me to be worried about this.
On our last date, the conversation turned political. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but our views are opposite. This was a huge deal for him. He kept saying that he couldn’t believe that I thought this way (I won’t tell you what each of our views are). I said that I could say the same about him. But I didn’t really care. I told him that we can still feel whatever we feel as long as the other doesn’t try to convert the other. I thought that was adding levity to the situation.
It’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him. I texted him the next day, the usual type of text. It didn’t occur to me that he may be upset. No response. Later that night I called and left a voicemail message. Nothing. I texted him once more the following day, asking him if anything was wrong. I was worried, because he’d never not answered a text message or call or anything for more than a day. He never responded to text messages or voicemail. I called my friend who’s married to his friend (they introduced us). I told her that the only thing I could think is the political issue, but he can’t be avoiding me for that – can he? My friend said she would find out. She reminded me of how busy my “boyfriend” (I guess that was what he is or was) is with school and work. I said I knew, but it takes only seconds to send a text message. She said she’d let me know.
My friend called me when she knew I wasn’t going to be available to take calls. Her voicemail was: “Hi. Call me back when you can.” I did. Then, next day, I sent her a text message asking her to call or text me. I haven’t heard from her except for a text message that said, “I’ll call you soon.” But now it looks like she’s avoiding me – why else call when she knew I’d be busy and then not return a text message.
You don’t think that he broke up with me by ghosting me because of political views and my friend is too afraid to say something, do you? As more time goes by, that’s what I’m feeling.
Shari
*****
Shari, thanks for your email.
I don’t know what to say. You had been dating someone for a “long stretch” without an issue, and after an argument about politics, he’s gone radio silent. Your friend doesn’t seem to be much help either, if you’re still waiting for her to call you.
What I do know is that politics is a minefield of a topic, and I don’t look good wearing a bomb squad heavy suit, so I stay clear of that topic. All I have to do is turn on Fox News or CNN or even the local CBS station and I guarantee you I will see a story about how someone was attacked verbally or even physically for voicing a political opinion. Sometimes the person doesn’t even have to say anything, and then gets attacked because of something she is or isn’t wearing. I’m not joking when I say I do not broach that topic with anyone other than my husband, father, sister, and nieces, and even among that small group, there are differences of opinion, especially with one niece whom I love, but want to strangle sometimes.
When I started working at an organization, one of the first questions my assistant asked me was, “Trump supporter?” I told him I wasn’t answering that question, not because I am or am not, but because I’m not going to find out in the first five minutes of meeting him that I couldn’t stand him and then we’d be stuck together until one of us quits or is fired. He didn’t care. He told me his views. Thankfully, I share his views.
Shari, I’m at a loss for words. Unfortunately, I can understand that this may have happened. I don’t know how much of a disagreement or opposing your views were from those of the fellow, but nothing surprises me these days. Maybe this fellow needs some time to calm down and get used to the fact that the woman he is dating has formed her own opinions and beliefs. It’s sad, but some may have a hard time accepting that. Or, he may be busy, as you hinted, but too busy to send a ten-second text? No one is that busy. I’m more bothered by your friend’s reaction/response as well. I can overlook her calling you when she’d know you wouldn’t be able to pick up. It’s hard enough to remember my own schedule, let alone the schedule of my friends and when they’re available. Her voicemail was neutral and simple, which you can read nothing into or a lot into. But bottom line, she hasn’t gotten back to you when you were available. If she was able to find out that your thinking was dead on (that he ghosted you), she may not want to be the one to break the news to you. But she would only be dragging things out by putting it off. Knowing that you’re anxious to hear from her should motivate her to try to reach you because she knows what it’s like to have been single and “waiting for an answer.” It can also be that your friend has poor timing. I don’t know.
A lot of unknown variables here; what side of the political aisle you and this fellow are on, how strongly you each feel about your opinions, how he felt about your differences and then his reaction to your opinion, is he really very busy that he can’t text… But prepare yourself for a grim reality. He may have broken up with you (the cowardly way). Yes, I will say, “Better that you found out what type of person he is now, rather than later, when you get deeper into the relationship or are engaged.” I’m only saying that because it is true, but I also know that it’s going to hurt. It doesn’t matter if he ended things because of the color of your shirt or because you had a real disagreement; this was someone you liked, and he basically disappeared from your life. In time, you will feel as the quote I quoted said, but right now and for a little while it’s gonna be hard. Your heart will break. Maybe listen to some Sara McLaughlin music or watch The Notebook. If I had to make a judgment call about this with only your letter and a minute to think, I’d think he is breaking up with you. But I really hope I’m wrong.
Please send me a follow-up email in a few weeks, just to let me know how you are and if I am wrong. I will gladly eat humble pie.
Hatzlachah to you all.
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone? She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
