Dear Goldy:
My parents have been divorced since I was little. I lived with my father, stepmother, and their family. The relationship with my mother is...complicated. I try my best, but sometimes it’s just a 30-second phone call with her because of kibud av and that’s it.
Dating has been hard. Some people don’t want to get mixed up with a “divorced family.” It’s almost like they blame the kids for the break-up, or they think if things get difficult, the child from the divorced home will cut and run because that’s the type of environment they were raised in. Or maybe people don’t want to be bothered with too many mechutanim and all the issues that could bring, especially if the divorced parents don’t get along. I don’t know, but I do know that shadchanim told me that men didn’t want to date me because of the “divorce issue.” That’s their issue. I never felt bad about it or that it was my fault. Their loss.
Now I am seriously dating someone. He met my father and “bonus” mother. And now we are up to meeting my mother. I’m going to make it a quick type of meeting, probably meeting for a cup of coffee. I chose to meet her in public so she will be less likely to do or say something embarrassing. Sometimes I don’t know what will come out of my mother’s mouth. It all depends on her mood. And her mood can change if she feels she was slighted or insulted in any way, even if it wasn’t done intentionally. She is very high-maintenance to get along with, which is why I don’t spend much quality time one-on-one with her. I don’t have the strength to maneuver the minefield of topics and emotions.
My boyfriend is understanding. I haven’t said much about my mother, but I have not said a bad word about her – except that she has her own ways of seeing things, which is very true. I don’t think anything my mother says or does will cause any issues between me and my boyfriend, but I don’t want him thinking, “What did I get myself into?” He knows I’m close with my bonus mom and she plays a big part in my life. I’m just worried that my mom will answer all the questions of why people don’t want to date a child of divorce. Am I crazy? Should I ask my mom not to say or do something that may be embarrassing? Like, text her right before?
Shula
*****
Thank you for your letter, Shula.
Let me begin by saying that it’s healthy and correct to realize it’s not your fault why some men/women (or their parents) don’t want to get involved with a child from a divorced family. It isn’t your fault that your parents divorced when you were young. It was probably for the best. Would it be better to grow up in a toxic environment just so you can say that your parents are married? Or is it better that everyone can live as they choose and not be suffocated or antagonized or aggravated by the other party every day (sometimes just the sight of the other person can set you off, but now you have to live in the same house?) And is living all together as a family worth it, knowing your parents are miserable and hardly interact with each other? It would make it a difficult environment to live in, especially knowing that you, as the single adult child(ren) are the reason and also the solution: “As soon as he/she is married, we’re getting a divorce.” I know a few families that stayed together until all children were married. The parents stayed/stuck it out together for five or ten years. They hoped they were doing the right thing and maybe for their family they are, but just imagine living with someone whom you don’t want to be with and pretending to be happy? Their reasoning was good: to help their child date and marry; but it sounds like a horrible situation to me. Shula, your parents did what they felt was right for them, and now your father is married to someone he can truly be happy with. It’s wonderful you feel close to your bonus mother (I love that term).
From reading your letter, I understand that the relationship with your mother is really based on kibud av, and if you had a choice, you’d rather not navigate the “minefield” that is your mother. I can also understand why you want to keep the meeting short and in a public place. But don’t think that, by meeting in public, an outburst can be prevented. I’ve had the experience of knowing that when people want to cause a scene, they will, no matter where they are. If something should happen, just know that you are doing the right thing by including your mother in this part of your life (to a degree) and nothing that your mother does as a grown “mature” woman reflects badly on you. You may feel that it does, because she’s your mother, but it doesn’t. If your boyfriend knows you and has seichel, he will realize this. And just to let you know, every family has a little crazy in it, so every spouse has thought, “What have I gotten myself into?” when the crazy is let out of the cage.
Have you told your mother what the goal of the coffee date is? So, you can introduce her to someone who has become important to you. I would not give your mother “warnings” or “notices” of “Don’t say ___ or talk about ____.” From what you wrote and from what I know, that may be a trigger for her to do just that. Also, she may find it insulting to give her a list of do’s and don’ts.
Your boyfriend knows you and has already met your father and “bonus” mom. He sees how close the three of you are. He must know that there is a reason you don’t speak of or to your mother on a regular basis. So even if your mom does say or does something embarrassing, he knows it has nothing to do with you. Your mother may make it clear why the two of you aren’t close during the first meeting. But then again, maybe your mother will surprise you and everything will go smoothly. Try to think positively. Does she want her daughter to be happy? Does she care about her daughter? If the answer to these questions is “yes,” then know your mother wouldn’t intentionally do anything. Remember, she can’t cause any harm to your relationship if you and your boyfriend are committed to each other.
You aren’t “crazy” to be worried about your mom meeting your boyfriend. Only you know what your mom is capable of and what she has done in the past to cause you to worry this much. Keep in mind, we can only control ourselves. Don’t worry too much about your mother and your boyfriend. Whatever happens, happens. Just let it go. You may think that this is the worst advice you can get – but it’s true. What good will worrying do except make you anxious about the moment when it comes. Don’t have Plan B or C in mind in case something happens. You are not being held hostage; if the situation goes south, you and your boyfriend can leave and put it in the past.
I wish you luck, but I think you got this.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
