Dear Goldy:
Bli ayin ha’ra, I have over a dozen grandchildren (and two great-grandchildren). I am concerned about two of my grandchildren who are in their upper 20s and lower 30s who are still single. They aren’t going the normal route of meeting with shadchanim or going to singles events. I’m afraid they have adopted the secular way of viewing marriage: Live life first before settling down. With my grandson, he’s more excited to tell me about a sport he’s involved in than a girl he may be involved with, and his cousin is no better. She’s always flying off somewhere, traveling. What fun is it to travel with a friend when you can travel with your spouse?
I’m not saying that my other grandchildren in the parshah who go the traditional route get engaged right away, but they go out fairly often. The dances, mixers, and get-togethers that I went to when I was single are a thing of the past. The rebbeim saw to that. So now, how can eligible singles meet who don’t go to shadchanim? Is my grandson supposed to meet someone playing sports, my granddaughter to meet someone in a foreign land mountain-climbing with her?
I wish I could do more to help. I’m not a Savta who sits off to the side knitting. I am very active. I speak to my young neighbors, asking them if they have friends or family whom either grandchild can date. They all say no and to “call a shadchan or have them go to a single event.” But that’s not the way for these two. What do other singles like my two grandchildren do? What can I do to help?
Savta Sara
*****
Savta Sara, thank you so much for writing in.
You do not sound like a grandmother sitting in a rocking chair with her knitting needles and yarn at all. You see what’s happening, and you want to help the grandchildren who you feel need the help. It’s wonderful that you want to roll up your sleeves and get involved. But before you do that, speak with the parents of these grandchildren or even to your grandchildren themselves. Maybe actions are already being taken you may be unaware of. I would also ask because these grandchildren may not want anyone, even Savta, getting involved in their personal dating life.
You are correct to say that the “traditional” way of dating you referred to – meeting with shadchanim, going to shidduch meetings and single events – is not for everyone. And you are correct that the dances and mixers that were around decades ago are no more. My parents and their friends met at those types of events. And yes, the rebbeim put an end to them, or so I was told. But that is a great question: If they put an end to the mixers, how can men and women meet? Going to a shadchan is an awkward and sometimes anxiety-ridden experience for some, and then being set up with a stranger the shadchan refers can be the same type of situation. At least with mixers, one got to see and talk with another and start building a relationship or seeing if there was chemistry from the start. People went with friends; no one was alone. And with friends around, people generally act like themselves and not put on a formal façade to impress the girl/guy within the first ten minutes.
But we are not here to discuss that issue. We are here because you are concerned that two of your grandchildren are not, in your opinion, making dating a priority. You feel they are trying to “live their best life ever,” before they get married, and I guess feel like they can’t do that once married. You are right: You can play sports and travel with your spouse, but maybe your grandchildren are doing it this way because the other way doesn’t work for them. Maybe they do meet potential dates through friends they travel and play with. Or maybe dating is not at the top of their priority list and right now they are living life as best they can while waiting for their bashert. Why wait in the living room when you can be out in the world? There can be a million reasons why they are doing what they are doing. Most importantly, ask before you get involved. You may have good intentions, but people react in different ways when others try and help them, especially when they haven’t asked for help.
There are ways of meeting/dating others without using shadchanim. You can meet someone through friends, at work, on dating websites/apps, on vacation, or at the bus stop. (Yes, I know of a couple that met at the bus stop. They waited for the same bus for months and one day, they started talking to each other. They now have four children.) You can meet someone through yoga classes, painting classes, at the gym, etc. In today’s world, there are countless ways to go the non-conventional route and meet someone. I know you want the best for all your grandchildren, but don’t involve yourself unless you’re asked.
I don’t have much more to add and I don’t like to type words to fill up space (I’m not in college or grad school where I needed X number of words for a term paper.) I’m going to end my response here, because I feel I have answered the question: It’s wonderful that Savta wants to help, but first ask if help is wanted or needed. Then look around; there are more ways of people connecting today than there were decades ago. So, let’s keep hoping for your grandchildren and for everyone else.
Hatzlachah to you all!
Goldy Krantz is an LMSW and a lifelong Queens resident, guest lecturer, and author of the shidduch dating book, The Best of My Worst and children’s book Where Has Zaidy Gone?
She can be contacted at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..
