The other day I made an appointment to get a haircut. When I arrived at the barber shop, the barber asked me if he could take a customer before me, as the customer was a chasan. I allowed the chasan to go first. While getting his haircut, the chasan shared some of the sardonic quips people were telling him about marriage. “Enjoy your last days of freedom,” “Marriage isn’t a word; it’s a sentence,” and other such lines.
When the chasan got up from the chair, I gave him my unsolicited blessing that his marriage should be so wonderful that he will quickly realize how inane and dumb those marriage quips are.
That’s not to say that marriage is always blissful and challenge-free. But like all truly valuable things, the requisite investment and effort are well worth it.
Under the chupah, the chasan places a ring on his kallah’s finger and declares, “May you be sanctified to me with this ring according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael.”
The vernacular seems rather strange. Why do we state that the marriage should be in accordance specifically with Moshe and Yisrael? Isn’t every mitzvah we do according to the traditions we have from Moshe and Yisrael? Before we recite Kiddush on Friday night, why don’t we declare that we are doing so according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael?
Moshe Rabbeinu’s leadership of klal Yisrael was often not smooth sailing. The nation repeatedly repaid Moshe’s selfless devotion with frustration and heartache. They challenged Moshe, sought to undermine his authority, rebelled against him, and even falsely accused him.
Yet, Moshe’s love for his people never faltered! In their most vulnerable moment, when G-d wanted to destroy them, Moshe declared, “And now bear their sin and, if not, erase me from the book You have written (i.e., the Torah).”
Under the chupah, the chasan expresses this same level of devotion to his kallah. “Despite the fact that married life will not always be smooth sailing, I pledge to you that I will be there for you always. You will always be my priority, even when we may have justifiable grievances with each other.”
That’s the commitment that marriage entails. Just as Moshe and Yisrael shared an unbreakable commitment, so do husband and wife pledge to have with each other.
In the last of the Sheva Brachos, numerous expressions of joy are mentioned: “Joy and happiness, groom and bride, rejoicing, glad song, pleasure, delight, love, brotherhood, peace, and friendship.” The final one mentioned, the apex of all, is friendship. The ultimate goal and highest level of marriage is for a husband and wife to be best friends. The mark of true friendship is not only that it is enriching and validating, but that it is able to withstand difficult times.
Rabbi Daniel Kalish, menahel of the Waterbury yeshivah, notes that the Torah outlook on how to define love is vastly different from how it’s defined in general society. It’s the difference between being reporters of love versus producers of love.
In our society, love is understood as a description of how the other person makes me feel. If you make me feel good today, then I love you. But as soon as you no longer make me feel good, I don’t love you anymore.
In the distorted fantasy world of Hollywood, a character who leaves his family and community in pursuit of love is considered a hero, because he/she has followed his/her heart above all else. The fact that he left behind his religion and family is lauded. What a tragedy!
In contrast, we view ourselves as producers of love. It’s an attitude of “I’ll be there for you when you’re good to me and even when things are challenging.” That’s part of the commitment of marriage and the effort to become “beloved friends” (in the vernacular of one of the other Sheva Brachos).
Such commitment is the result of marriage being initiated according to the laws of Moshe and Yisrael.
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This article is being written in honor of the engagement of our dear daughter Aviva to Shloime Stern (Flatbush) this week.
We daven that Aviva and Shloime’s marriage epitomize commitment and ultimate friendship, through thick and thin.
May they build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
Rabbi Dani Staum, LMSW, is a popular speaker, columnist, and author. He is a rebbe at Heichal HaTorah in Teaneck, NJ. and principal of Mesivta Orchos Yosher in Spring Valley, NY. Rabbi Staum is also a member of the administration of Camp Dora Golding. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. and at www.strivinghigher.com.
