On Sunday night, July 6, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem hosted a virtual talk featuring Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, MS, LCPC, and Rivka Slatkin, LSCSW, a husband-and-wife team who counsel couples together.
The Slatkins are the founders of the Marriage Restoration Project (marriagerestorationproject.com), where they use Imago Relationship Therapy, a method that helps couples understand one another with empathy and communicate more effectively.
The goals of Imago Therapy include:
– Understand your partner – learning to see each other with empathy instead of blame
– Heal past wounds – uncovering unmet childhood needs that often fuel current conflicts
– Practice conscious communication – engaging in structured dialogue that avoids interruption and reaction
– Move from conflict to connection – viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth, not failure
Rabbi Slatkin explained that people often enter marriage with an idealized vision of what it should be. But over time, conflict – whether minor or intense – becomes part of the relationship. The natural tendency is to blame the other person, especially when we’re hurting. Instead, he encouraged listeners to see conflict in a different light.
“Conflict is a message from Hashem,” he said. “It’s a sign that I’m in the exact place I’m meant to be. It’s a chance to take ownership and responsibility.”
When we shift our mindset – asking what the situation reveals about ourselves – the conflict often begins to soften. “As you take ownership,” he said, “you begin to see brachah in your own healing.”
One of the hardest parts of truly listening, he noted, is setting aside ego. Ego is fragile. When we feel threatened, we become defensive and react from our own pain. That defensive state makes it nearly impossible to hear another person.
When we listen with our left brain – the seat of logic and judgment – we often become focused on proving our point or defending our position. That part of the brain, he said, is associated with din, judgment, and separateness. “It leads us to say, ‘You’re wrong, I’m right, and I’m not really interested in hearing you,’” he explained.
Instead, we need to approach with curiosity: the function of the right brain, which is connected to chochmah and the capacity to see things from another person’s perspective. “When I ask, ‘Why do you feel this way?’ I’m crossing a bridge into your reality,” he said. “That’s where connection happens.”
This, Rabbi Slatkin said, is also where the Shechinah enters. “When we make space for another, we make space for Hashem.”
He contrasted this kind of openness with what we see in the world of politics, where people often talk past each other, feel threatened, and refuse to listen. “In a healthy relationship, we strive to do the opposite – to create space for another reality to exist.”
He stressed that you don’t need to agree with your spouse to validate him or her. “Two people can both make sense. The goal is not to win, but to connect. We need to get more comfortable with seeing the gray.”
Rivka Slatkin then spoke about a common dynamic in couples: one partner is the “hailstorm” – expressive and emotionally intense – while the other is the “turtle” – withdrawn and protective. She explained that much of our behavior in relationships stems from how we learned to protect ourselves growing up.
“People often act out when they don’t feel safe,” she said. “Our goal is to teach couples how to break that cycle by creating safety through communication.”
She explained that people are often attracted to their opposites, and without the tools to navigate that difference, misunderstanding and frustration can take over. Their marriage therapy approach emphasizes mirroring and validating – repeating back what was heard and affirming the feelings behind it.
“We all need to feel heard,” she said. “That’s the foundation of connection.”
Rabbi Slatkin added that many couples get stuck in the content of their arguments. But it’s rarely about the specific issue. “It’s about feeling unsafe, getting reactive, and focusing inward. That only escalates the tension.”
Rivka shared a helpful analogy: “A relationship is like a bank account. You have to make deposits – connection, time, attention – or you’ll be overdrawn. The more positivity you put in, the less likely small things will explode into big ones.”
She offered a simple but powerful suggestion: “Sometimes, just say to your spouse, ‘I don’t need you to fix this. I just want you to be fully present with me.’”
The key, she emphasized, is to realize that it’s not about solving the problem. It’s about honoring the other person’s story, feelings, and experience. Listening with empathy and compassion is what creates the space for healing.
