On Sunday evening, March 26, Let’s Get Real with Coach Menachem featured Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, director of The Shmuz and author of 10 Really Dumb Mistakes Very Smart Couples Make, in a Zoom shiur on roles of the husband and wife and taking marriage to the next level.
Rabbi Shafier shared that in 1990 in the United States, the divorce rate was six percent. Today it is 50 percent. This is not true in the frum community but, sadly, in our community it still has skyrocketed. He sees couples on a regular basis who come for help with their marriage and they don’t recognize the damage they are doing to each other. “I can guarantee something that can make your marriage better,” he said.
He taught that there are three parts to having a successful marriage:
Commitment – knowing that Hashem picked the perfect match for you
Love – the glue of a marriage – working on connecting to each other
Learning to live together.
He explained that you cannot change things about your spouse, but there is a lot you can do to change yourself. If you want to be happier, let your wife know through word, deed, and action that you cherish her. So many guys drop the ball on this one. It is the number one mistake men make. The husband is responsible for everything in creating a bond of love in your marriage. The mistake is not working on love in marriage. The husband is responsible to call his wife and send texts daily and to plan date night and send gifts. The wife needs to know that she is loved. The Steipler Gaon taught that if a woman doesn’t know that her husband loves her, it is pikuach nefesh. Both spouses will be unhappy.
Rabbi Shafier taught that most women are insecure about their husband’s love in the beginning of marriage and that extends for the first 35 years. “If she doesn’t get the message in word, deed, and action, then you will both be unhappy.”
A couple is supposed to be having an ongoing love affair. Love is the glue of the marriage.
He then pointed out that for women the one single mistake they make is disastrous to a marriage. They try to change their husband. “It never works!” Both spouses need to understand that Hashem created this person this way. The most destructive force in marriage is wanting a spouse to change.
If couples work on these two things, they see dramatic improvement in their marriage. “If there is no bonding, if you aren’t lovers, then there will be friction and tension.”
The first part of working on marriage is to spend time together. Be a couple. This has to be on a regular basis.
The husband’s job, he repeated, is to write love notes and text messages, and to send gifts. Everything you do shows her she is number one in your life. “You need to tell your wife you love her with word, deed, and action. It will change your relationship and the tone of your marriage.
He posed the following question. What is worth fighting for in your marriage. He answered, “Nothing!” If you win, you crushed your best friend and if you lose you are crushed. The key isn’t whether you fight or not; the key is can you repair the damage and move on. Couples who are avoidant get more distant. Getting into a fight doesn’t mean you have a bad marriage if you can move on and repair the damage.
He noted that women tend to suffer more from anxiety and depression than men. This can become a source of contention in a marriage. He shared that the most important words in your marriage are: “that’s strange.” He explained that when you say this, you open yourself to better understand your spouse with scientific discovery. Every scientific discovery was preceded by the words “that’s strange.” When you say these two words, you open yourself to understanding your spouse’s inner world. Then you can understand your spouse and live together in peace.
He reiterated that if you meet your wife’s core needs of feeling loved, then this can make a seismic difference in your marriage.
He then pointed out that it is true that we are busier than any other generation ever. People say they can’t make a commitment to have a date night or spend alone time together regularly, and this is a big mistake. Do your kids come first or not? If they do, he taught, then you will invest in their becoming wholesome, happy people by working on having a strong marriage. If you don’t increase your bond with your spouse, then there will be fighting. “You can’t increase the bond without spending time together!”
The primary responsibility in marriage is connecting to each other. Marriage is at the core of family, and it is at the core of children being well adjusted.
“If you don’t spend time to work on it, it can’t get better.” He emphasized that “the best investment in your family and children is working on your marriage regularly.”
He spoke about the need to avoid relationship anorexia, which is when people starve their relationship. It is actually a Torah obligation to work on your marriage. If you fight, you can transgress many negative commandments in the process. Your children will suffer if you don’t go out.
The woman is responsible to arrange the regular babysitter. “The greatest thing for improving our midos is marriage!” He recommends reading books on marriage before you marry.
He taught that if you want to improve your marriage, you need to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I am a difficult person.” We are all imperfect. Our job is to perfect ourselves. We all have flaws. “Your job is to be a friend who overlooks your spouse’s flaws. He noted that it is your job to be best friends.
If a relative criticizes your spouse, you must defend your spouse and realize the idea that it is you and your spouse against the world. It is your job to defend him or her to be best friends who support each other.
Ask yourself what you can do to make your spouse happy. Listen to what he or she says.
The lecture ended with a lively Q&A.
By Susie Garber
