It’s that time of year – all the yeshivas and shuls are making dinners, so that everyone can get together for a night of chizuk and community and trying very hard not to say that this is all about the money.
And this is a stress for you, because you have to write a journal ad, for fundraising-obligation and tax-write-off purposes. Again. What do you write?
“Why on earth is this even a thing?” you’re wondering. For example, my shul is in middle of putting together a Sefer Torah l’zecher nishmas somebody, and everyone gets to sponsor a parsha, but not one of us has to figure out what to write.
Well, you came to the right place.
First of all, there’s a very good chance no one will see your ad but you. The books are huge. The only people reading it are you and your spouse – basically, the people who’ve already read it before it was in the book.
“Did they get the words right? Good.”
I know people who get paid to put together journals, and even they don’t like the journals. No one’s proud of it in the end; they’re just happy to have gotten it done. I’ve never heard a normal publisher talking that way about their books.
But the journal is a moneymaker. You know how the first 12 pages of an Artscroll sefer are dedications? Imagine an entire book is dedications for a story that never happens. You get through the dedications, and you’re at the back cover.
“Wait. Did I miss something?”
This is what happens when 600 people are each writing one page in a book. And you’re reading it like, “I don’t understand what’s going on here. There’s no plot. Everyone is just repeating what everyone else said. This book could have been so much shorter!”
Nobody bothers to check: “Was there already a page about this?” They say, “Let’s dedicate our ad to the Rosh Hayeshiva!”
Well, there are already 100 pages dedicated to the Rosh Hayeshiva.
It’s like with the Torah; we can’t all go in and sponsor 54 Parshas Yisros. Someone has to dedicate their ad to the permanent sub.
Not only that, but we don’t even come in with an idea of what we want to write. You’re paying for the page; say what you want. You can have a page where you just unload your political opinions. Who’s even going to know?
But I mean, I write books for a living (I have 8), and every sentence in the book has a thought behind it of “Will people buy the book if this was the first sentence they saw? Would people who are not me actually want to read this?” and at most, people will pay me 30 bucks for a copy, and I have to talk them into it. Whereas with this book, no one wants to read it and yet people are paying hundreds of dollars sight unseen and not even bringing their copies home. I think I work too hard.
And then people pick up my books and go, “Is this mostly articles I’ve read already? Once, about 8 years ago?”
Well, excuse me.
I guess people like seeing their names in a book. And maybe that’s why I don’t think it’s a big deal – I’ve had my name in a book. It’s not a huge deal. Mostly, people ask you to sign it.
“OMG, are you Barry from page 653 of the 2022 journal? Can you sign it? I bring it everywhere! Hang on… Can you help me lift it?”
Mostly, people flip through it at the dinner during the speeches, because once you’re home, you will never look at this book again. It’s not a book, it’s a list of who gave the yeshiva money that year. And you’re saving it. Because someone you know is in it. Do you save every phone book?
And yes, it’s a phone book, because some people put in ads. Actual ads, for their businesses. Like they misunderstood what the school meant by ads. Who is looking through this book for businesses to call?
“Our roof is leaking! Let’s look through last year’s dinner journal!”
Every dinner journal is required to have a roofing guy. And an ad for payroll services.
But the book is not even alphabetical to make it easy to search for your roofing guy or whatever. It’s based on money. You pay more to be closer to the front of the book, because depending on the length of the speeches, it means that more people will see it. There’s a gold page, and a platinum page… They’re not gold. They’re a rip off. You’re in a section called “gold.” That seems very honest, coming from our respected mosdos.
So for example, my son’s yeshiva is having a dinner, and the ads go, in rising order of cost: 1/9 Page, 1/4 Page, ½ Page, Full Page… and then what should they do? You can’t get anything bigger than a full page. Though I suppose they could give you a 2-page spread or a fold-out banner. So they added more levels over time. The next one up is Parchment Page, like this could have been part of a Sefer Torah, but we outbid the sofer. And then there’s Copper, and Silver, Gold… No wonder the book is so heavy. And then what? So they added Ruby, Emerald, Diamond… I don’t know the prices of each compared to the others. Does it fluctuate, like some years emeralds are more than rubies? Is this something someone learns in school? Not the school I’m sending my kids to for this dinner, I’ll tell you that for free. Then above Diamond, there’s Patron. A patron is worth more than diamonds. Then there’s a Master Builder Page, which I’m pretty sure is a Lego thing. Finally (for now), we have Double Chai Diamond, which diamond experts agree is the best kind of diamond. For $36,000, we can get a Double Chai Diamond Page. Or 60 full-page ads. Put them all in a row, so there’s no way anyone’s going to miss it. And you with your measly $600 think anyone is going to see your full-page ad?
What do the non-Jewish places do instead of Chai? I also can’t imagine they have Parchment pages. Or Dinner journals, I’m pretty sure.
And then the back of the book is like, “Here are the people who barely gave money.” And those ads are packed with words, whereas the Diamond-Page ads carved into stone at the front of the book are like 5 words each. Those people are busy making real bucks; they don’t have time to play around with exact wording on an ad no one’s gonna read.
“What did we write last year? Can we replace the names? Good.”
Meanwhile, the 1/9-page ads are like, “Alef is for the Ahavas Yisrael that you have. Beis is for the Bracha that you give us every day. Veis is for…”
Though actually, the book doesn’t start with the ads. It starts with a message from the Menahel and the Rosh Hayeshiva, and that’s what you’re reading while the Menahel or the Rosh are up on the podium speaking. Possibly saying the same thing; you don’t know. You’d rather read it. That way you can skip around.
Then the book talks about the honorees. For example, there are Parents of the Year. I don’t know how they choose that. I spend two hours a night learning with my kids, I make them nutritious suppers, and we play board games on Friday night. And I have never won Parent of the Year. Meanwhile, the guy who makes a ton of money and goes to every function and basically never goes home to see his kids – he’s parent of the year.
So anyway, here are some phrases you can include in your ad if you want it to fit in. And be invisible:
- “Mazel tov to the honorees.” This is how you say mazel tov to your dear friends -- in a note on a half-page on page 853?
- “To our esteemed honoree, whose name escapes me at the moment.”
- “Our very best wishes.”
- “Our very platinum diamond triple parchment wishes.”
- “To Chaim and Miriam, but mostly Miriam.”
- “Thanks to the yeshiva for 4 great years and 8 mediocre ones.”
OTHER TIPS:
- There has to be one ad that has the name Melvin in it somewhere. It can be dedicated to Melvin, it can be by Melvin... “Melvin and Beverly Goldstein”, for example. Like every moisid knows the same Melvin Goldstein. You know the guy -- his yarmulke is made of the same fabric as your tallis bag. His wife doesn’t have to be Beverly, though. It can be Brenda, Rose, Linda, Francine… Also, Melvin’s name can be Seymour.
This is a yeshiva where every kid has to be called by his whole Jewish name, but his parents can do whatever. It’s like “Mazel tov to Irene and Israel, and your children, Yekusiel Boruch, Chaim Shmiel, and Batsheva Esther.”
We don’t need your work name, dude. No one calls you Israel. Write your Jewish name: Eretz Yisrael.
More words or phrases you can work into your ad:
- You have to work in the word endeavors.
- Exemplary
- Constant inspiration
- Source of pride and nachas
- Sterling middos
- Best wishes. Like you’re on summer vacation.
- Continued success
- Saying that something is only matched by something else.
- “We salute you on this well-deserved honor.” I’m waiting for the part of the dinner where everyone who said, “We salute you,” gets up and salutes. I think I always leave before that. Or I’m looking down in my journal.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
