With yom tov fast approaching, it’s time to think about getting your wife something nice. Such as a carton of eggs.
Well, it’s either something nice or eggs. You can’t have both. You’re going to make me decide between eggs and matzah?
So we need to figure out what we’re going to do. Last Pesach, according to my notes, my family ate 20 dozen eggs. In one week. I’m not even sure how we’re still alive. Don’t tell my doctor.
And I don’t know about you, but I haven’t heard any of our so-called pro-Jewish politicians address this. What are we going to do about Pesach?
Wait. What are the non-Jews going to do about their egg holiday? Don’t they hide eggs?
Though to be honest, their holiday is easy, because they could just not hide as many eggs as they say they did. Also, I think they’re yotzei with plastic eggs. Whereas I don’t think we can put one of those on the Seder plate with a little prize inside. (“Surprise! It’s your afikoman gift! It’s a sticky hand!” “Great! Now I can grab matzah from across the table!”)
Also, I see no reason they can’t paint potatoes. Except that then we’ll have a potato shortage, C”V.
Also, the non-Jews make fake eggs out of chocolate. Can we do that? I know a lot of people who would give up their ten eggy squash kugels for some good chocolate. Though I don’t think it’s very Jewish to have a good piece of chocolate on your Seder plate right next to your chicken wing.
Yes, I know about pareve chocolate. I said good chocolate.
And yes, there are some stores that aren’t as super expensive as others. But those stores have a “two dozen” limit, which is super useful when it comes to Pesach. So I have to go to the store ten times? Though I probably will anyway.
So we need some ideas. Of course, the way my articles work, knowing my luck, by the time this article runs, the egg prices will already be coming down. But I mean everything else is pretty expensive too, so some egg-stretching tips might still come in handy.
Obviously, the first idea that comes to anyone’s mind is to get our own chickens.
I have chickens, for example, even though that is definitely not where I saw myself three years ago. And the main thing you have to worry about with your own chickens, as far as chicken flu, is people asking you, “Aren’t you worried about chicken flu?”
They don’t just manifest chicken flu. They have to catch it from someone.
My chickens only see each other. I’m not bringing them to a chicken kindergarten every day to interact with other chickens and bring home diseases.
But I looked it up.
First of all, if you eat an egg that comes from a bird with bird flu, the egg will be fine, particularly, if you don’t gulp it down raw. So only chazanim have to worry, and also people who make their own kosher l’Pesach mayonnaise.
Secondly, as a chicken owner, I know that if your chicken is sick, she stops laying for a while. So the birds with chicken flu aren’t even laying.
So I don’t think I understand this whole situation in the first place. The chickens have flu. Great. So we kill them? Why don’t we have them quarantine? Wear masks? Wipe down their groceries? Two weeks! That’s all it takes to kill the spread. Right?
Why are we killing them so they don’t die on their own? Why not let all of them catch this flu and then build herd immunity? The ones that survive can be immune to it!
How is this not fixable? Why don’t we just try some of the classic flu remedies? Some Tylenol, a decongestant, a hot shower, let them get plenty of rest and take it easy… Though chickens don’t really take it easy. Their heads are always on a swivel.
Oh, and we should make sure they drink plenty of fluids… Maybe some chicken soup…. Okay, maybe not that. Is that why we can’t fix bird flu? Because we can’t give them chicken soup? How are they getting the flu at all? They’re made of chicken soup! What if we just fed them water and some carrots and left them out in the sun?
So that’s what I do.
So I would definitely say to get chickens. Except that most places that sell chickens only sell babies, so you had to have done this about six months ago. No one’s selling you an adult chicken. Why would they? They can make way more on eggs. The oldest you can generally get them is babies. In fact, some places also sell them as eggs that you have to sit on yourself, but I can’t see those eggs being cheaper than the ones you buy at the grocery. If you want adults, you’d be better off hunting down pigeons.
Though that’s an idea! How about you do a crazy amount of shiluach hakan over the next few weeks? I don’t know when you might have time to happen across that many nests, but maybe that can be your project on Chol Hamoed. That way you have the last days covered, at least. Take a tiyul through the woods and climb some trees, or head over to the duck pond and start wading! You can also get the kids involved, so they can witness firsthand – in a confrontation between Tatty and a mother bird – who will chase away whom.
Another idea is that maybe we can stretch our eggs, like it’s the 1930s. For example, any recipe that calls for you to whip egg whites, whip them for double the time. See what happens.
Also, who says we should just fluff up our egg whites for cakes? Why not do it before we make omelets? Or potato kugel?
(“Boy, this is the fluffiest yapchick I’ve ever had!”)
Or maybe we can stretch our eggs with other ingredients. We sometimes use eggs to stretch other foods, like chopped liver, but there’s no reason it can’t worth both ways. Don’t have enough eggs? Add liver!
Or we can just try leaving the eggs out of some recipes. For example, egg white cookies can be just white cookies! Oh, wait. The white is part of the egg too. So then just sugar! Which is white.
I mean, there are people who are allergic to eggs. Maybe we should find out what they eat on Pesach. Nothing good, probably. But there must be egg substitutes, right? Like what do vegans do on Pesach? We should find out. This could be why Hashem made vegans. And has them constantly advertising who they are. No one is secretly a vegan. So let’s ask them, if we’re still talking to them.
So I looked it up. And it turns out there are numerous options. Though most of the options I saw have ingredients that are either considered kitniyos (flax, cornstarch, tofu, canned chickpea liquid), or are considered milchig (yogurt, buttermilk, condensed milk).
I’m not sure how the vegans are eating the milchig alternatives either.
But there are a couple options that you can consider. For example, one alternative I found was to used mashed banana. This can be very good in a cake. Like if you’re making a Pesach banana cake, you use bananas in place of eggs, and then some more bananas for bananas! But I’m not sure your potato kugel is going to be amazing. Or your chicken cutlets. (“Would you like some chopped bananas and onions?” “No, I already fell for that once, with the avocado salad!”)
Also, if you buy 20 dozen bananas before Pesach, you’re going to end up being the people from the math problems. The cashier will say, “Do I want to know?” And how quickly do you have to do all your Pesach cooking before all the bananas go bad?
(“Where are all these fruit flies coming from?”)
I also don’t think you need to eat that much banana on a week that you’re also eating matzah.
Another option I saw was applesauce. Sure, just whip up your kneidlach with applesauce and pretend they’re not sad, soggy fruit dumplings. It happens to be that my wife already uses applesauce instead of margarine sometimes, so if she wants to make an apple kugel, she just has to put in applesauce, applesauce, and sliced apples, and she’s most of the way there!
Also apparently you can replace an egg with 2 tablespoons of potato starch and 3 tablespoons of water. So like if you’re making Pesach lukshen, which is eggs and potato starch, instead you can just use potato starch and potato starch!
(“Why is the soup so thick?”)
But these substitutions don’t work for everything. For example, we can’t just put some kind of egg substitute mush on the Seder plate. Even if we put it inside a plastic egg.
“This is to remember the chagigah!”
“Was the chagigah slimy?”
But maybe we can buy one real egg -- a really really nice one -- and put it on the Seder plate. You go to the store, inspect it like you would an esrog... And then Rebbes can have a big rebbishe egg, like from a turkey or a goose or something... And a giant zroa. Though the stores would then charge hundreds of dollars for a Seder plate egg, and then we’re back to where we started.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
