From time to time, we like to take a break from reading the news down here on earth, and see if there’s any better news up in space, in case moving up there is an option.
I can assure you it is not.
Our first story today is from February, when, according to astronomers at NASA, a piece of the sun broke off.
Oops. Was that supposed to come off?
I didn’t even know a piece of the sun could come off, which I guess is the first thing you say the first time something breaks. Then you try to put it back so the next person thinks he broke it.
But according to space weather physicist Tamitha Skov, the phenomenon is not as alarming as it sounds. Which is exactly what they would say if something was alarming, because they don’t need a panic on their hands. Where are we gonna go?
“This kind of thing happens all the time,” she told reporters, over the sounds of scientists yelling and running back and forth in her lab.
So that’s reassuring.
Oh, it’s supposed to come off! That’s a relief. As long as it doesn’t land here, right?
Also, the part that broke off was a piece of the sun’s northern pole, which, if I remember from astronomy, is its coldest part – the part that gets the least sunli—wait a minute.
Anyway, our next news story today is titled, “Aliens could be deliberately avoiding NASA rovers on Mars.”
So first of all, they’re not aliens; we are.
I think people are saying this just because it’s been a while since we’ve sent rovers up there, and we have yet to find life. But I mean, life moves. Also, it’s not like we know what we’re looking for up there. We’re going to other planets looking for life, and we’re picturing they’re going to be a lot like humans. But we already know all the humans down here, and some of them we don’t like. We’re going to go up and find something in common with those humans? Maybe they’re not even humans. Maybe life up there looks like rocks. I would say that statistically, just based on how many species there are on this planet, if there is other life up there, it will probably be insects. Have they checked under all the rocks?
The other thing we keep looking for up there is water. Life needs water, at least the life we know, so if there’s water, maybe we can go up and colonize it when this planet gets too full. But I mean, we haven’t even explored the entirety of our world. Why not explore the bottom of the ocean first? See if there’s water there! We’re going to go to a planet with no oxygen and build a dome and live in it. Why don’t we do that under the ocean? It’s a lot closer!
So really, I think it’s people want to move up there in case another piece breaks off the sun. Buy ourselves an extra five minutes.
Either way, scientists have decided that either the aliens are hiding from the rovers, or else – and this is the more likely theory – our equipment is not calibrated to find the kinds of life that might live on Mars. Now they’re saying that the kind of life living on Mars might be something called “dark microbiomes.” We’re only calibrated for light microbiomes and regular-sized biomes. So now they want to send up more sensitive equipment.
Microbiomes, in case you’re wondering, are things like bacteria, fungi, and viruses. Viruses. We’re always like, “What would happen if we met aliens?” We’d probably get sick. We’re basically looking for viruses on other planets.
And speaking of rovers, this brings us to another article, titled, “People want NASA’s Mars rover to fight the Chinese Mars rover.” Seeing as the rovers are useless up there anyway.
This fight is going to happen regardless once this Mars mission goes from looking for sentient life to looking for a new virus to bring home. We can’t let China win this one. Again.
What kind of people are suggesting this? Bored members of the public. Not the aliens.
NASA would win anyway. The Chinese rover, Zhurong, weighs about 500 pounds, while the closest American rover in its vicinity, Perseverance, is over 2,000 pounds. Also, it’s called Perseverance. Our other rovers are named Sojourner, Spirit, Opportunity, and Curiosity. Which of those should fight Zhurong, if not for Perseverance? Sojourner would spend the whole time traveling to get there, Opportunity would immediately get seized, and Spirit and Curiosity would spend the entire time off to the side, playing in the dirt.
Also, Perseverance has a 7-foot arm with a drill at the end of it, and an actual laser beam powered by plutonium that is used to find and analyze samples.
Wait. Plutonium?
But then you’re thinking, “If Zhurong is lighter, it probably moves faster!” It does. Perseverance moves at .01 mile per hour, while Zhurong moves at .12. They don’t need speed, because there are no destinations up there. That we know of.
Either way, the fight could take years and will not be very exciting to watch. Most likely, it’s going to be us staring at a screen for a while and saying, “What is happening? Nobody’s moving.”
“Oh, look! Somebody’s drilling! Now he’s shining a laser in the other one’s eyes.”
“Which ones are the eyes?”
It’s the camera. The eyes are the camera. You’re blinding the scientists back on earth.
That’s how this thing with China is going to get settled: a zero-miles-per-hour fight between two robots on a different planet. On earth, China is bigger, but in space, our thing is bigger, and if we summoned all five rovers from the far reaches of the planet, we can definitely gang up on it. And then our robots can lock together and make a bigger robot with a sword.
And speaking of people getting along, according to a recent calculation, the minimum number of people required to start a civilization on Mars, if we do that, would be 110.
Because for starters, we’d need at least two shuls. There’s the shul you daven in, and the shul you would not go to if it was the last one on the planet.
But according to scientists, this has more to do with how many people it takes to make the planet self-sustainable, in case all lines of transportation between Mars and Earth suddenly break down -- between setting up breathable areas and growing food and making supplies and tools and of course putting out a humor column. (“Hey, is life here depressing? Let’s look at Earth!”)
We’d also need materials. Building materials, for starters. Which brings us to an article from a couple of years ago, titled, “Astronaut blood can be used to make concrete on Mars, scientists say.”
Great. How many astronauts have to die to make a city block, do you think? Is this why we need 110 people?
For years, scientists have been trying to figure out how to make building materials on Mars, because concrete is heavy to schlep up there. It takes 19 tons of bricks to make a 3-bedroom house, on average, and the cost of transporting a single brick to Mars, they say, is $2 million.
“We never stopped to think that the answer might be inside us all along,” says Aled Roberts, from the University of Manchester. That sounds more poetic than what the answer actually is: Astronaut blood.
This sounds a lot like Mitzrayim. “Have the astronauts make their own bricks!”
They call it AstroCrete, which is a combination of concrete and astronauts.
Living in houses made of blood may sound disgusting, they say, but eventually it scabs over. And in fact, they point out, a protein from human blood, combined with tears, sweat, and Martian soil, can produce a material stronger than ordinary concrete, which just has the blood of slaves and construction workers. They also point out that historically, animal blood was used as a binder for mortar. But also historically, animals do not do well in astronaut training.
Anyway, that was what they were saying a couple of years ago. But now, just this past month, scientists have come out and said that, “Wait. We just discovered that if you want, instead of blood, we can use potato starch.”
Potato starch: Substituting for everything since 2448.
I hope they got this information out before Mars started with the human sacrifices.
And meanwhile, every Yid is like, “Yeah, we knew this! Potato starch is a good substitute for everything. If you don’t mind your houses being a little bit rubbery. Like the bottom part of the sponge cake!”
The article had to go to some length to explain what potato starch is, for the benefit of their non-Jewish and Sefardi readers. The article was titled, “Potatoes are better than human blood for making space concrete bricks, scientists say.” I love how they put “scientists say” on it, like this is an opinion.
They’re calling this new stuff StarCrete, which makes no sense, and they say it can easily be made out of Martian soil, potato starch, and salt. And I’m assuming 11 billion eggs. They estimate that just 55 pounds of dehydrated potatoes could be used to produce a half ton of StarCrete, or 200 bricks. Though if they think this will be cheaper than schlepping bricks up there, they’ve never been to a Jewish supermarket before Pesach.
They would still need tears to make the salt, though.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
