I feel like playground equipment has changed a lot since I was a kid. And I wasn’t a kid that long ago. But apparently, they decided that playgrounds were a disaster. We didn’t know that back then. They were always seen as a good day trip for the kids, because they were usually free, and you would spend a half a day there, and then a half a day in the emergency room. The main purpose of playgrounds was to provide a structured space in which to teach kids the laws of physics and the numerous ways it could kill you.
For example, I haven’t seen a see-saw in years. If you’re too young to remember, a see-saw is like this catapult, but it was evenly balanced, only when no one was on it. The way it worked was you would get on with your friend and then it would quickly become obvious which one of you was the heavier child. And then the lighter child would sit at the top with his feet dangling and scream, “Don’t get off don’t get off don’t get off!” and eventually the heavier kid would get off, and the lighter kid would go SLAM!
Whoever designed it was like, “Yeah! All kids are roughly the same weight...”
In a way, the see-saw wasn’t that much fun for the heavier kid either, because he was just sitting on the ground, and if he wanted to do more than that, he would have to keep jumping. The fun of the see-saw was largely based on how high the heavier kid could jump.
It wasn’t easy to get on either. Basically, the first kid would get on, and then the other kid would have to PUSH down his side or, if he was the lighter kid, get an adult to come and push down so he could get on. And then the adult would walk away and the kid would get launched into the sky.
The first safety measure they did in some parks was add like a half tire sticking out of the ground under each child. That was a very big thing in parks when I was growing up -- tires sticking out of the ground. They didn’t know what else to do with old tires. There was also this attraction sometimes where it was just 20 tires sticking out of the ground, and you’d have to jump from one to the other, and then you would fall and have tire treads on the side of your face, and you’d come home and your parents would ask, “Did you get hit by a truck?”
“No, I fell in the playground.”
So see-saws are gone. They decided that they’re not safe for kids. But I mean what about adults? Sometimes I’d go to the park and see a married couple on a see-saw!
That’s not good for sholom bayis.
Then there was the merry-go-round. You know that Gravitron ride at the amusement park where you get into a huge clothes dryer it spins you around and you stick to the walls? Well this is like, “What if we have that, but it’s manual powered and there are no walls?”
So basically the way it works is a bunch of kids would stand around it, and they’d hold onto the bars and all run in the same direction, around and around until it got faster and faster and then at some point some of the slower runners lost their footing and were being dragged along the ground, bowling down spectators, while the kids who were still running would jump on like they were getting onto a moving bus, and they’d brace themselves. Kids were flying off left and right, and then everyone would stagger away at the end like they’d been drinking.
The one thing I’m surprised still exists is swings. Because talking about an obstacle course where if you walk around obliviously you get kicked in the head? There was just a row of them. And then some of these swings were shaped like an animal that had a stake driven through its head, but was smiling anyway because of brain damage. Ever get hit with one of those? Those things were like a battering ram. They would send you across the park.
Not to mention the tire swings. Those did not even have a predictable trajectory. They’d go in whatever direction they felt like as the 3 or 4 nauseous kids sitting on it kept bumping heads and the back of their legs kept getting wet from whatever liquid had been sitting inside the tire.
There sure were a lot of tires involved in playgrounds back then.
If we wanted to climb around, we had jungle gyms. A jungle gym is like -- you know the scaffolding outside a building when they’re doing construction? This was just the scaffolding. The way it worked was that a bunch of kids would climb it, and then whoever made it to the top first would just sit there. And sing. Because what else do you do once you’re up there? There’s no slide. You’re just there.
You could fall if you want, but then you hit every bar on the way down.
Unless your playground had that one that was shaped like a dome. Then you’d just hit the dirt and lie there, trying to heal on your own, because no adult could come in and get you.
There were other climbing things too. Every playground had like a cement turtle for no reason. The way you played on that was that basically, you’d just go sit on the turtle. Why a turtle? Nobody knew. But the one rule of the park was that every time you came, you had to take a picture with all your siblings on the turtle. Or of everyone stacked at the bottom of the slide, holding up traffic.
Another thing that I’m surprised they took away was sandboxes, which were great for kids who never got to go to a beach, but still wanted to be able to come home from day trips with shoes full of cat droppings. And spend the day filling up buckets with sand and then pouring them out. They were trying to make castles, but they basically just made hills, because there’s only so much you can do with sand that isn’t wet. Unless you got a bucket of water from the water fountain.
Are there still water fountains? Those were probably the most dangerous. The water pressure was never right on those things. It would either be so low that people were sucking on the spigot, or it would be so high that it would shoot straight over the edge and make a mosquito swamp on the ground, right near where everyone congregated to wait in line. And your turn lasted only as long as you could hold the button down with your thumb, except for smaller kids, who couldn’t push the button AND they couldn’t reach the water, yet they wanted a turn anyway, so their parents or older sibling would have to hold them up with one hand and push the button with the other hand then use their chin to nudge the kid’s face into the stream of water. And he’d suck on the spigot.
The lines were weird, because this was the ‘80s, when no one drank water, ever. Water was gross. Except from this water fountain at the park.
Slides still exist, but they’re different.
When I was growing up, slides were standalone structures that towered over the playground, glistening in the sun. You had a steel ladder that was literally a 90° angle from the ground and went 3 stories straight up. When you got to the top, there was a landing about the size of one child, protected on both sides by a single pole that looped upward so the kid could fall sideways if he wanted to, but no worries – there was always someone’s parents down below, holding their arms fruitlessly over their head. Then you would slide down on what was essentially a blech, and that was the last time you wore shorts to the playground.
And the slide was like an 80-degree angle from the ground, so you would go shooting off the bottom of the slide at 100 miles per hour, skidding along the ground for a bit before you came to a complete stop. Or creating an ever-growing crater at the bottom of the slide with your feet. Your parents couldn’t catch you, because they were off at the side with their arms over their head. You’d just mow down all the kids who were climbing up the slide backward, or the family that was taking a picture at the bottom.
Also, the ground at the park was usually pavement. It wasn’t the wood chips or foam we use today. They just put up the playground in a parking lot, with tires. If it wasn’t pavement, it was a mixture of gravel and broken glass with some cigarette butts in it.
Nowadays, everything in the playground is colorful and vibrant, but in the old days, the entire playground was the color of rusted metal over concrete. And we begged our parents to take us. We’d pass by a new park on the street and be like, “Can we stop there?” and our parents would sigh and look at their watches and try to decide if they had time to stop by the emergency room later.
My point is, why did they get rid of all that stuff? Uch.
Nowadays, we wonder how our parents used to be able to send us out of the house to play in the front yard without a care.
It was with a care. They were thinking, “At least he’s not at the park.”
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
