This Purim, I’m taking a break from my regular humor column to talk about an uncomfortable topic that is particularly prevalent this time of year, and no one really wants to address it. It’s an addiction that people don’t really consider a problem until it’s too late – one that’s claiming more and more people each year. It’s in our yeshivos, it’s particularly in our Bais Yaakovs… It’s even in our preschools. I suffer from it too.
My name is Mordechai Schmutter, and I’m a chocoholic.
And I’m not alone. According to recent statistics that I actually looked up, 4 out of every 5 people are chocoholics. That’s 80% of the population. Compare this to the 6% who are alcoholics.
And I don’t know about the alcoholism statistics, but when it comes to chocoholism, the 80% definitely includes the frum community. If you deny it, I’m sorry to say, you’re delusional. Think about five people you know. Chances are, four of them love chocolate. And the fifth one is insane.
Maybe there seem to be more chocoholics because they announce it. Proudly. “Yeah, I’ll take some chocolate! I’m a chocoholic! Ha ha.”
Nobody just comes out and says, “I’m an alcoholic! Ha ha.” Chocoholism is played for laughs. They’re not even embarrassed about it.
But the term itself should tell you how serious it is. I didn’t make up the term. Chocoholic. If it wasn’t a serious issue, the all-knowing pioneers of the English language would not have named it after a serious alcohol problem.
And don’t get me started on the workaholics. And shopaholics.
And if you don’t think chocolate is the same as alcohol, just look at it: You have a sweeter chocolate, which is pretty harmless, you think, but that’s sort of a gateway chocolate for beginners. “Oh, I’ll just have a little bit with my dinner.” And then there’s a dark chocolate that has percentages right on the packaging, and the more you like chocolate, the higher percentage you’re willing to go. What other food writes percents like that – how much of what you’re buying is in what you’re buying? Just alcohol.
Yes, small amounts of alcohol are actually good for stress. Like small amounts of chocolate. But that’s a little bit. Who ever has a small amount of chocolate?
So you’re saying, “Well, if a little bit is good, imagine how good a lot is.”
“Oh, let me have a little bit! It’s Friday night, it’s a simcha…” They’re all excuses.
And anyway, what is a little bit? Like a schnapps glass’ worth of chocolate? Or two maybe? For goodness sake, I mix it into my milk. Big cups of milk!
I drink alcoholic drinks that have chocolate in them too. Yes, that’s how much I like chocolate – I will drink something I don’t like if there’s chocolate in it. I don’t do the same thing with other foods I like. I once ordered chicken in a Mexican restaurant just because the menu said there was chocolate in the sauce. It wasn’t the worst, actually. But I mean, I like jellybeans, but if you told me there were melted jellybeans on a steak, I wouldn’t try that. And I like steak more than I like chicken.
My wife makes banana muffins from time to time, to procrastinate throwing out the bananas for another week, and I’ll eat them, as long as they have chocolate chips. Don’t tell her, but I’m mostly eating them for the chocolate chips. In fact, if a recipe calls for, say, “six ounces of chocolate chips,” do you think I’m measuring out six ounces? No, it’s getting the whole package.
There are people who have the same philosophy with cooking wine.
And my kids eat these muffins. That’s the other thing about chocoholics is they get started early in life. None of this 21-years-old business. Most parents give their kids chocolate when they’re babies. Babies! And they’re like “Ha ha! He’s dribbling chocolate all over his face! It’s so cute! Let’s take a picture and broadcast it to the world!” Try that with alcohol. Take pictures.
You look at the picture, the kid is brown, he’s not wearing a shirt, his eyes are half closed, and the parents are beaming: “He takes after me!”
And it’s bad enough that chocolate is not like alcohol in the first place, where you taste it for the first time as a kid, and you make a face, and you cough, and your uncle laughs and says, “You have to develop a taste for it!”
For goodness sakes, we reward our kids with chocolate.
And yes, there are some parents who hide in the closet when they eat chocolate, because they don’t want their kids to follow in their ways. Because if they’re eating chocolate, the next thing they know, the kids are eating chocolate. And this addiction does not go away.
And what does society do about it? Alcoholics have organizations to help them, like Alcoholics Anonymous. Chocoholics are not anonymous. They proudly announce, “I’m a chocoholic!” It’s something you need to work on! Don’t normalize it!
Nobody gets together and has an intervention about it either:
“We don’t like how you are when you eat chocolate. We love you.”
“You had too much chocolate the other day, and you were bouncing off the walls. And then you drove.”
“I just want my father back.”
Families don’t stage an intervention, because you know what? They don’t care. They don’t care. You ate all the chocolate in the house, you refused to share, and instead of wondering why, they’re just mad at you. “I wanted that chocolate.” Me me me. Every piece of mishloach manos that came in with chocolate you immediately claimed, and they frankly cannot be bothered with you anymore.
But we ignore the problem. You know what we do talk about, as a society? When someone isn’t a chocoholic. We say, “Oh, no! That’s so weird!” Yeah. They’re the problem. Even though they’re the only people you can trust to hold your chocolate for you. No one else can be trusted. Not even your own parents. Your own parents, who will hold money for you for years and not touch it; but chocolate can’t last a week in their possession.
But for the people who are not addicted to chocolate, the peer pressure they face every day is enormous. We try to bring them down to our level.
“How can you not like chocolate? Be like us!”
It’s like how I don’t really like wine, and everyone’s always focused on that. “What do you do on Purim? What do you do on Pesach?”
I do the same thing that people who don’t like chocolate do on Purim and Pesach. I have it anyway.
When you go to someone’s house for Shabbos, you say, “I don’t know if I can bring them wine. Do they drink wine? I’ll bring them chocolate!” I don’t know if you can bring them chocolate!
“No, it’s okay; they’re chocoholics.”
The other option I guess is flowers. Is there anyone who’s addicted to flowers? Bees…
But everybody gets up on Purim and says, “Be careful about all the alcohol!” No one says, “Be careful about all the chocolate!” You know how much chocolate is given out on Purim? And Pesach? Those are the biggest yomim tovim for these things. Everyone’s focused on the alcohol, and the chocolate is slipping right by. In the same shalach manos as the alcohol! Everyone’s fighting over it. The adults are fighting over it. And what’s the mekor, even? Who in the Megillah ate chocolate? Did Achashveyrosh have a tov leiv b’chocolate? No, we make excuses. Pineapple too. Don’t get me started on pineapple.
And then bochurim come into your house on Purim, and they’re definitely hyper, and they’re dancing around, and throwing up, and you know what you offer them? Rugelach. You know how much chocolate is in rugelach? What are you thinking? You want them more hyper? Offer them alcohol!
So this Purim, I think we should not make so many jokes about the consumption of chocolate -- we should be a little more careful -- and hopefully we’ll all IY”H make it through Purim b’simcha.
[If you or a loved one has a chocolate addiction, we can help. Just pack up all the chocolate in your house – all of it, so you don’t even have a taavah – and send it to someone – preferably someone you don’t know personally who is aware of the dangers of excessive chocolate consumption because he just wrote an article about it. Me, I’m trying for immersion therapy, where I eat as much as I can and hope I get sick of it. You can help.]
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia, a monthly humor columnist, and has written six books, all published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
